Workbook para Perfeccionismo - Tecnologia Web (2024)

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<p>Perfectionism</p><p>Evidence-Based Skills to</p><p>Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism,</p><p>Build Self-Esteem & Find Balance</p><p>A STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH TO HELP YOU:</p><p>Stop People-Pleasing n Avoid Stress & Burnout</p><p>Overcome Your Need for Control n End Procrastination</p><p>Find the Courage to Try New Things</p><p>SHARON MART IN , MSW, LCSW</p><p>F O R E W O R D B Y J U L I E D E A Z E V E D O H A N K S , P h D</p><p>A N E W H A R B I N G E R S E L F - H E L P W O R K B O O K</p><p>The CBT</p><p>Workbook for</p><p>The CBT W</p><p>orkbook for Perfectionism</p><p>M</p><p>ARTIN</p><p>SHARON MARTIN, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, mental health writer, and</p><p>media contributor specializing in perfectionism, self-esteem, and healthy relationships,</p><p>with a practice in San Jose, CA.</p><p>Don’t Let Perfectionism Take Over Your Life</p><p>Do you hold yourself—and perhaps others—to extremely high standards? Do you have</p><p>a nagging inner-critic that tells you you’re inadequate no matter how much you achieve?</p><p>If the answer to one or both of these questions is a resounding “yes,” chances are you’re</p><p>a perfectionist. And while there’s nothing wrong with working hard and having high</p><p>standards, needing to be perfect can also get in the way of your happiness and take over</p><p>your life. So, how can you find balance?</p><p>With this workbook, you’ll identify the root causes of your perfectionism, and</p><p>uncover how your need to be perfect has been negatively impacting your life and your</p><p>relationships. Rather than measuring your self-worth by “error-free” productivity and</p><p>accomplishments, you’ll learn to exercise self-compassion, and extend that compassion</p><p>to others. Finally, you’ll discover ways to move past your need for perfection and stop</p><p>focusing on achieving fixed goals. If you’re ready to break free from perfectionism and</p><p>start living a richer, fuller life, this workbook will help you get started.</p><p>“Perfectionists, procrastinators, and people-pleasers take note. There is a new book</p><p>available that can change how you live your life! … You will find enormous comfort and</p><p>guidance in this well-thought-out, highly structured workbook.”</p><p>—Jonice Webb, PhD, bestselling author of Running on Empty</p><p>“There’s no better book on the market that offers such practical advice and exercises</p><p>for someone who wants better control over their perfectionism.”</p><p>—John M. Grohol, PsyD, founder and editor-in-chief of PsychCentral.com</p><p>SELF-HELP</p><p>Also available as an e-book</p><p>newharbingerpublications</p><p>www.newharb inger . com</p><p>“Perfectionists, procrastinators, and people-pleasers take note. There is a new book available that</p><p>can change how you live your life! The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism by Sharon Martin is more</p><p>than a book; it’s a program. If you find yourself caught up in self-criticism and self-judgment,</p><p>struggling with deadlines, or sabotaging your own success, you will find enormous comfort and</p><p>guidance in this well-thought-out, highly structured workbook.”</p><p>—Jonice Webb, PhD, nationally recognized pioneer in the area of</p><p>childhood emotional neglect, and best-selling author of Running on Empty</p><p>and Running on Empty No More</p><p>“This workbook redefines what it means to work through your stuff. It’s chock-full of activities</p><p>that help you really think about what you want to change AND gets you actively moving towards</p><p>the change you want to see. The workbook takes you from understanding perfectionism to navi-</p><p>gating the tough road to recovering from perfectionism to being able to live a life without the guilt</p><p>and people-pleasing that come from being a perfectionist. And while many workbooks claim to do</p><p>this, the way Sharon has crafted this workbook shows you step by practical step how to succeed at</p><p>making this a solid transition. Professionals will love working with this book in their practices, and</p><p>clients will love working through their perfectionism with such a useful guide.”</p><p>—Mercedes Samudio, LCSW, parent coach, and best-selling author of</p><p>Shame-Proof Parenting</p><p>“I’m a big fan of workbooks because they allow the reader to become an active participant in their</p><p>self-help efforts. Sharon Martin’s contribution to help people fight perfectionism is a fantastic</p><p>antidote to getting perfectionism’s maladaptive behaviors better under control. Martin offers a</p><p>direct and no-nonsense look at perfectionism that eschews psychobabble, pulling together tech-</p><p>niques in a cohesive and sensible manner. This workbook works well as either an adjunct to psy-</p><p>chotherapy, or as a stand-alone guide to those in need of help of silencing the perfectionist in</p><p>themselves. There’s no better book on the market that offers such practical advice and exercises for</p><p>someone who wants better control over their perfectionism.”</p><p>—John M. Grohol, PsyD, founder and editor-in-chief of www.psychcentral.com</p><p>“Many people struggle with perfectionism whether it’s in our workplaces, in relationships, or the</p><p>battle within ourselves. And many books talk about its root causes and how perfectionism affects</p><p>the human psyche. But rarely do books offer ways to address perfectionism. In The CBT Workbook</p><p>for Perfectionism, Sharon Martin offers practical, concrete, research-driven ways to let go of strug-</p><p>gles like self-criticism, procrastination, people-pleasing, and the need for control. A must-read for</p><p>anyone whose potential has been hindered by perfectionism.”</p><p>—Melvin Varghese, PhD, psychologist, and founder of Selling The Couch</p><p>“Perfectionism can be paralyzing, but Sharon Martin gives you a road map to reclaim your life.</p><p>Sharon expertly guides you to down a path to self-discovery, and arms you with exercises to find</p><p>mental and emotional freedom. For lifelong high achievers, The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism is</p><p>a must-have companion that will help you embrace imperfect action and reach your goals with less</p><p>stress.”</p><p>—Melody Wilding, LMSW, peak performance coach, and adjunct professor</p><p>of human behavior at The City University of New York</p><p>“Sharon Martin has been a trusted resource for my clinical work for years. She has a way of break-</p><p>ing down complex topics into understandable explanations, which makes them easier to under-</p><p>stand and address. This workbook is no exception. She clearly explains what perfectionism is, how</p><p>it shows up in our lives, where it comes from, and what we can do to change the perfectionistic</p><p>behavior, which can be so problematic in our lives. This workbook includes so many effective strat-</p><p>egies to help those of us who struggle because of perfectionism, and I plan to use it in my individual</p><p>work with clients as well as with groups. I highly recommend this book to clinicians and the</p><p>general public alike.”</p><p>—Laura Reagan, LCSW-C, integrative trauma therapist, and host of</p><p>the Therapy Chat podcast</p><p>Perfectionism</p><p>Evidence-Based Skills to</p><p>Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism,</p><p>Build Self-Esteem & Find Balance</p><p>SHARON MART IN , MSW, LCSW</p><p>N e w H a r b i n g e r P u b l i c a t i o n s , I n c .</p><p>The CBT</p><p>Workbook for</p><p>Publisher’s Note</p><p>This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to the subject matter</p><p>covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering psychological, financial,</p><p>legal, or other professional services. If expert assistance or counseling is needed, the services of a competent professional</p><p>should be sought.</p><p>Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books</p><p>Copyright © 2019 by Sharon Martin</p><p>New Harbinger Publications, Inc.</p><p>5674 Shattuck Avenue</p><p>Oakland, CA 94609</p><p>www.newharbinger.com</p><p>Cover design by Amy Shoup</p><p>Acquired by Ryan Buresh</p><p>Edited by Jennifer Eastman</p><p>All Rights Reserved</p><p>Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data</p><p>Names: Martin, Sharon C., 1971- author.</p><p>Title: The CBT workbook for perfectionism : evidence-based skills to help you let go of self-criticism,</p><p>build self-esteem, and find</p><p>didn’t make it, he sunk into a depression that</p><p>his friends and teachers couldn’t understand. They saw his perfect life, successful</p><p>parents, and excellent grades and didn’t understand why he was so down.</p><p>Perfectionist parents like Marco’s are generally loving and don’t necessarily directly set unre-</p><p>alistic expectations for their children (although they may, if they’re demanding as well). They</p><p>model their value of a perfect family, house, and appearance through achieving at extremely high</p><p>levels and attaining academic, career, or monetary success. Their children are likely to hear them</p><p>speak critically about themselves and compare themselves to others.</p><p>Did your parents display any of the traits of perfectionist parents?</p><p>� They were goal-oriented, driven perfectionists.</p><p>� They encouraged high achievement, goals, and standards.</p><p>� They praised their children’s achievements rather than their efforts or progress.</p><p>� They were disciplined and rigid.</p><p>� They demanded a lot of themselves.</p><p>� They measured themselves and their children in comparison to others.</p><p>� They valued outward signs of success such as material possessions, awards, titles,</p><p>and physical appearance in themselves and their children.</p><p>� They felt unhappy or unsatisfied despite outward signs of success.</p><p>� They unintentionally modeled self-criticism.</p><p>Distracted Parents</p><p>Many parents are so distracted that they aren’t attuned to what their children need. Usually,</p><p>these parents mean well but are unaware of how their children feel, what they need, and how their</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 39</p><p>own behavior affects their children. A distracted parent could be one who works eighty hours a</p><p>week and isn’t physically or emotionally available. She could also be a parent who spends most of</p><p>her time in front of a screen or with her nose in a book. And some distracted parents are so busy</p><p>that they’re always going from one activity or commitment to the next. They never slow down long</p><p>enough to really check in with their children. Distracted parents usually meet their children’s</p><p>physical needs but often neglect their emotional needs. Perfectionism is a way for children of dis-</p><p>tracted parents to either get noticed or help their parents out.</p><p>Jacqueline’sStory</p><p>Jacqueline is her mother’s only child. Her father, on the other hand, has five more</p><p>children with his second wife, and long ago Jacqueline realized that she is not</p><p>among her father’s favorites. Growing up, she saw her dad occasionally, as he only</p><p>lived ten miles away, but their visits were awkward, and they didn’t seem to have</p><p>much in common. Jacqueline lived with her mother, who was devoted to giving</p><p>Jacqueline all the opportunities for success that she never had. She worked full-time</p><p>as a bank teller, four nights a week waiting tables, and occasionally helped her sister</p><p>cater parties on the weekend. This was the only way she could afford to send</p><p>Jacqueline to private school and soccer camp. Jacqueline’s mother couldn’t always</p><p>get to the spelling bees and soccer games, but she always gave her a big kiss on the</p><p>forehead and said, “Jacqueline, I just couldn’t be prouder of you. Someday, you’re</p><p>going to be someone important. I just know it!”</p><p>As a teenager, Jacqueline spent a lot of time alone, studying. She wanted to</p><p>make her mom proud, and she knew getting a scholarship to college was the way to</p><p>do it. However, Jacqueline’s mother was too distracted and busy working to realize</p><p>that Jacqueline passed up party invitations and dating in order to study. Nor did she</p><p>notice that Jacqueline was binging and purging and that she agonized over what to</p><p>wear every morning.</p><p>Jacqueline had two distracted parents, and she longed for more emotional</p><p>connection with them. Jacqueline became obsessed with her grades and her</p><p>appearance, because she knew this would please her parents, and unconsciously</p><p>she thought she’d gain their approval and attention if she were perfect.</p><p>It’s important to note that although Jacqueline’s mother seemed to be focused on her daughter’s</p><p>well-being, Jacqueline experienced it as an interest in her future success, not in her as a person; her</p><p>mother’s love felt conditional in this regard. Distracted parents can be like Jacqueline’s mother—</p><p>well-meaning, but distant—or like her father, who was largely physically and emotionally absent.</p><p>Distracted parents often lack the skills to be more emotionally present. Often, their own parents</p><p>40 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>were emotionally distant, so this level of attunement seems normal to them. They may not out-</p><p>wardly demand perfection, but some such parents give the message that success is what makes you</p><p>worthwhile, while others relay the message that the child isn’t enough (smart enough, cute enough,</p><p>talented enough) to garner their attention.</p><p>Did your parents display any of the traits of distracted parents?</p><p>� They were unaware of their children’s feelings and needs.</p><p>� They were physically absent.</p><p>� They were physically present, but emotionally distant.</p><p>� They were uncomfortable talking about feelings.</p><p>� They were always busy.</p><p>� They believed that if their children were achieving or seemed happy, they must</p><p>have been doing fine.</p><p>Overwhelmed Parents</p><p>Overwhelmed parents lack the skills to effectively cope with life’s challenges and their chil-</p><p>dren’s needs. Some parents are chronically overwhelmed due to their own trauma, mental illness,</p><p>addiction, or cognitive impairment. Overwhelmed parents might also be dealing with a crisis such</p><p>as a very sick child or relative, marital or relationship problems, or grief. Chronic stressors such as</p><p>unemployment, poverty, health problems, or living in a violent community can also exceed a par-</p><p>ent’s ability to cope.</p><p>When a family is in a constant state of crisis or overwhelm, it is particularly detrimental to the</p><p>children. A crisis disrupts a family’s equilibrium. This disruption may be due to a finite event, such</p><p>as a parent being unemployed for six months, and after the crisis has passed, the family may regain</p><p>its footing, especially if it was functioning well beforehand. Or the disruption may be ongoing,</p><p>because there is a chronic stressor or series of stressors, such as unemployment compounded by</p><p>depression and alcohol abuse, and the parent doesn’t recover and never maintains stable employ-</p><p>ment again. Children are more likely to develop perfectionist traits to cope with an overwhelming</p><p>and chaotic home life when their family is chronically stressed and overwhelmed.</p><p>Overwhelmed parents aren’t just distracted and fatigued; they aren’t able to provide a safe and</p><p>nurturing environment for their children. In overwhelmed families, there is either a lack of consis-</p><p>tent rules and structure, virtually no rules, or overly harsh or arbitrary rules. And overwhelmed</p><p>parents either have unrealistic expectations for their children, such as expecting a five-year-old to</p><p>prepare and clean up his or her own meals, or no expectations, as if they’ve already decided their</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 41</p><p>child is a hopeless failure who will never succeed. Often overwhelmed parents cannot fulfill their</p><p>adult responsibilities, so things like childcare, cooking and cleaning, and providing emotional</p><p>support often fall on the older children.</p><p>Life in an overwhelmed family is unpredictable and can be emotionally or physically unsafe.</p><p>Children often struggle to fully understand what’s happening. Although even very young children</p><p>can instinctively sense that something is wrong in their family—their parents are stressed or their</p><p>environment is unsafe—they probably can’t identify or understand the nature of these problems.</p><p>It’s very confusing for children to have this sense that things are off, but not have adults openly talk</p><p>about what’s happening and help them to understand it. So when no one is talking about Dad’s</p><p>depression or Mom’s addiction, children will assume that</p><p>they are causing the problems and that</p><p>the family will be happy and healthy if they can be “better” children. Kids come up with distorted</p><p>thoughts such as If I got better grades, my dad wouldn’t be so stressed out or If I were a perfect kid, my</p><p>mom wouldn’t drink so much. In addition, some overwhelmed parents overtly blame their children</p><p>for the family’s problems, which compounds a child’s false belief that they are the problem.</p><p>Trying to be perfect can be a defense against a chaotic, unpredictable, or unsafe home. Some</p><p>children with overwhelmed parents use perfectionism to try to exact control over themselves and</p><p>others in order to feel more safe and secure. For example, teenagers might edit an essay for hours</p><p>or measure their breakfast cereal before eating it in order to create a sense of control and predict-</p><p>ability that they aren’t getting from their parents. Children develop perfectionist traits as a way to</p><p>compensate for feelings of blame and a deep sense of being flawed and inadequate. As you’ll see in</p><p>Rebecca’s story, they come to believe that if they can be perfect, they will please their parents, solve</p><p>their family’s problems, or bring respect to their family.</p><p>Rebecca’sStory</p><p>Rebecca is the oldest of three children. Her dad was an alcoholic, and her mom</p><p>desperately tried to pretend that everything was normal in their family. Rebecca</p><p>recalls that her dad would get home from work at four in the afternoon and</p><p>immediately start admonishing Rebecca and her siblings for making too much</p><p>noise, for their grades, their appearance—pretty much anything he could think of.</p><p>This continued until he was so drunk that he passed out on the couch. By</p><p>dinnertime he was slurring his words, sometimes barely able to make it to the table</p><p>without falling down. Rebecca’s mother served dinner, made small talk, and ignored</p><p>the fact that Dad was nearly incoherent. Rebecca tried to please her parents, but</p><p>her father never acknowledged anything she did right, whether it was getting her</p><p>driver’s license or cleaning up all of his beer cans. When Rebecca made honor roll,</p><p>her dad’s response was, “Now, if only there was something you could do about that</p><p>fat ass of yours!” Her mom was too busy dealing with her dad and her brother, who</p><p>42 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>was frequently in trouble at school, to give Rebecca any positive attention. She</p><p>counted on Rebecca to help with the housework and watch her little sister after</p><p>school. Rebecca’s way of coping with her overwhelmed parents was to try to be the</p><p>perfect, responsible kid in order to gain her parents’ love and approval. She thought</p><p>that if she could only be good enough, they’d see her accomplishments and hard</p><p>work. Instead, she was always reminded of her mistakes and shortcomings. She</p><p>ended up feeling inferior no matter what she accomplished. Now, as an adult, she</p><p>continues to push herself to work even harder and do even more, putting everyone</p><p>else’s needs in front of her own.</p><p>Did your parents display any of the traits of overwhelmed parents?</p><p>� They experienced chronic stressors or serious problems such as addiction or</p><p>mental illness.</p><p>� They had either overly high expectations and rules or no expectations and rules.</p><p>� They were inconsistent.</p><p>� They were highly critical.</p><p>� They were impossible to please.</p><p>� They were moody, angry, or emotionally or physically abusive.</p><p>� They depended on their children to assume adult responsibilities such as</p><p>household chores or to provide emotional support to their parents.</p><p>� The blamed the children for the family’s problems.</p><p>� They were indifferent to their children’s feelings and needs.</p><p>� They didn’t provide affection (loving words, hugs, kisses).</p><p>The Connection Between Your Perfectionism</p><p>and Your Childhood Experiences</p><p>There are differences between demanding, perfectionist, distracted, and overwhelmed parents, but</p><p>they all share an inability to notice, understand, and value their children’s feelings. Children expe-</p><p>rience this as a lack of interest in truly knowing them as people—their thoughts, feelings, dreams,</p><p>and goals. Children parented by demanding, perfectionist, distracted, or overwhelmed parents</p><p>learn that being perfect gets them attention and accolades or helps them avoid harsh punishment</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 43</p><p>and criticism. Their self-worth (and sometimes their survival) depends on their ability to be the</p><p>best, keep their parents happy, and create an illusion that they and their families are happy and well</p><p>functioning. These children are always chasing external validation hoping it will finally make</p><p>them feel good enough, and so these patterns continue into adulthood.</p><p>Did you have demanding, perfectionist, distracted, or overwhelmed parents? If so, what</p><p>connections can you make between your perfectionism and how you were parented?</p><p>Were you encouraged to be assertive, have your own opinions or goals, and try new</p><p>things?</p><p>What happened when you performed well or achieved your goals (won an award, got</p><p>good grades)?</p><p>44 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What happened when you made mistakes as a child? Were they seen as failures or</p><p>learning opportunities? Were you forgiven or encouraged when you made a mistake or</p><p>didn’t achieve a goal?</p><p>Perfectionist Messages from Culture and Media</p><p>As we grow up, we’re influenced more and more by factors outside of our home environments.</p><p>School and peers have a big impact on our development, as does the wider culture and world</p><p>around us. So while you can trace your perfectionism back to your family of origin, you may find</p><p>that the media as well as your church, schools, cultural customs, and community have also encour-</p><p>aged perfectionism.</p><p>America, for example, is built on the idea that hard work paves the way to success. This, in</p><p>itself, isn’t problematic; it can actually be motivating and hopeful. The problem is that valuing hard</p><p>work has turned into valuing perfectionism and busyness and has encouraged the belief that success</p><p>is for only the best and the brightest. Combine this with our emphasis on individualism, and we</p><p>learn that (1) we have to be perfect and live up the images on our televisions and computers, and</p><p>(2) we have to do it all on our own, because life’s a competition, and only some of us can make it to</p><p>the top.</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 45</p><p>In addition, technology has added to the pressures to do more and achieve more—and to look</p><p>perfect while we’re doing it. With technology, we can now work 24/7. And since we have all started</p><p>carrying a little computer in our pockets, the line between work and time off has gotten really</p><p>blurry. There are very few people who work nine to five, Monday through Friday anymore.</p><p>Busyness has become a status symbol, and we’re encouraged to work nonstop. Sometimes we trick</p><p>ourselves into thinking that a f lexible work schedule is to our advantage, but usually it just means</p><p>we can work at home and at our place of business.</p><p>Technology also means we’re saturated with images and messages from the media. We are</p><p>spending more and more time watching television and YouTube, surfing the web, and perusing</p><p>social media. These things all give us a specific image of who we’re supposed to be, what we’re</p><p>supposed to look like, and what we’re supposed to be doing. And that message is: You should be</p><p>able to do everything, and you should make it look effortless. You should have a successful career,</p><p>raise your kids with organic meals and enriching activities (never sticking them in front of the</p><p>iPad), have a spotless house, take picture-perfect vacations to the beach, and love going to the gym.</p><p>Despite how far we think we’ve come, most American media outlets still feature tall, slim,</p><p>Caucasian female models and tall, muscular, Caucasian male models. We grow up with this unat-</p><p>tainable version of beauty. We are</p><p>saturated with this message, making it easy to believe that if we</p><p>don’t look like those models, we aren’t pretty enough or good enough. Dissatisfaction with one’s</p><p>body and the pressure to diet and be thin starts early. Research has shown that more than half of</p><p>girls and one-third of boys aged six to eight think their ideal body would be significantly thinner</p><p>than their actual body (Lowes and Tiggemann 2003). And one of the conclusions of Common</p><p>Sense Media’s 2015 research brief was that “there is strong documentation of unrealistic, idealized,</p><p>stereotypical, and sexualized portrayals of body types. We also found evidence linking consump-</p><p>tion of these media [movies, television, magazines, ads] with negative relationships to body image</p><p>and behavior” (Pai and Schryver 2015, 31).</p><p>While all genders are certainly impacted by culture and media, women and girls seem to be</p><p>particularly susceptible to perfectionism due to the way they’re socialized. In Western cultures,</p><p>girls are socialized as caretakers, to put the needs of others before their own, and to suppress their</p><p>own feelings and goals in order to please others or keep the peace. Girls are taught to be neat and</p><p>quiet and that being pretty and thin are measures of their worth.</p><p>Depending on your family’s culture and religious traditions, there may be other teachings and</p><p>models that encourage perfectionism and create unattainable expectations. In these situations, it’s</p><p>not just a family or parent, but a larger system that is teaching and reinforcing the notion that</p><p>there is an exacting standard of worthiness and anything less is a failure or sign of inherent</p><p>unworthiness.</p><p>For example, in her book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chua explains that traditional</p><p>Chinese mothers leave no room for imperfections. They expect their children to be the best. Chua</p><p>46 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>writes, “1) School work always comes first; 2) an A- is a bad grade; 3) your children must be two</p><p>years ahead of their classmates in math;… 6) the only activities your children should be permitted to</p><p>do are those in which they can eventually win a medal; and 7) that medal must be gold” (2011, 6).</p><p>My psychotherapy practice is in Silicon Valley, an area of the country that also breeds perfec-</p><p>tionism and extremely high demands on children and adults to achieve and be at the top. People</p><p>here have busy, high-pressure, and achievement-driven lifestyles. And they often fall into the com-</p><p>parison trap—thinking that everyone works at Apple or Google, drives a Tesla, and lives in a</p><p>multimillion-dollar house. It’s only natural that hardworking, middle-income folks feel like they’re</p><p>falling short. So while children living in Silicon Valley may get these messages from demanding or</p><p>perfectionist parents, there’s also a bigger cultural message that encourages working nonstop,</p><p>outward signs of success, and productivity and achievement above all else.</p><p>What messages did you get (in words or actions) from your culture, religion, school, or</p><p>media about success and needing to be perfect?</p><p>Individual Traits</p><p>There may also be an innate temperament or sensitivities that predispose you to perfectionism.</p><p>Researcher and psychotherapist Elaine Aron, PhD, identified that 15–20 percent of the popula-</p><p>tion is naturally highly sensitive to and aware of the world around them. They feel things deeply</p><p>and are more easily overwhelmed by highly stimulating environments. Some of the traits of highly</p><p>sensitive people (HSPs) are also common among perfectionists, such as being excellent at avoiding</p><p>and spotting errors and being extremely conscientious and adept at tasks that require accuracy,</p><p>speed, and attention to detail (1998, 10). In her newsletter, Aron wrote, “HSPs tend to be</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 47</p><p>perfectionists for two reasons. First, we don’t like unpleasant surprises, such as criticisms, making</p><p>a mistake, hurting others, or having something go very wrong. To avoid these, we try to plan,</p><p>arrange, and do things perfectly.… Second, we tend to be perfectionists because we can envision</p><p>how something could be done perfectly and aim for that” (2004).</p><p>A sensitive child can seem overly needy and hard to soothe to his or her caregivers. If you didn’t</p><p>have an attuned and responsive caregiver with the skills to create a sense of safety and secure</p><p>attachment, the stage was set for you to feel insecure and have an unmet need for acceptance that</p><p>fuels your perfectionism.</p><p>You and Your Family</p><p>These descriptions aren’t true for every family. The roots of your perfectionism lie in the particular</p><p>messages you got as a child from your parents, grandparents, teachers, culture, school, and reli-</p><p>gious groups, as well as the media. Take some time to answer the following questions to explore</p><p>how your experiences have contributed to your perfectionism.</p><p>What did people expect of you as a child?</p><p>What happened when you met those expectations?</p><p>48 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What were the consequences of not meeting expectations?</p><p>Why do you think you developed perfectionist traits?</p><p>Summary</p><p>In this chapter, we examined how and why perfectionism begins in childhood. You were able to</p><p>consider whether your parents had a demanding, perfectionist, distracted, or overwhelmed parent-</p><p>ing style and, if so, how that affected you—particularly how it contributed to your developing</p><p>perfectionist traits to cope. In addition, we discussed the impact that the larger culture and media</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 49</p><p>has in reinforcing unrealistically high expectations. And lastly, we considered that some perfec-</p><p>tionist tendencies may be innate. You should now have a good idea of the factors that influenced</p><p>the development of your perfectionist traits and of the fact that while they were instilled when you</p><p>were impressionable and without healthier coping skills, they no longer work well for you. Now</p><p>we’re ready to move on to strategies for changing perfectionism. We will begin by gaining an</p><p>understanding of the fears that underlie perfectionism and how to overcome them.</p><p>Chapter4</p><p>From Fear to Courage</p><p>As people with unrealistically high standards, a need to please others, and all-or-nothing</p><p>thinking, we have a particular set of fears that keep us stuck. Fear of failure, fear of criticism,</p><p>and fear of rejection are commonly the driving forces beneath our perfectionism. Our perfec-</p><p>tionism becomes a way for us to cope with and try to minimize anxiety-provoking thoughts</p><p>and experiences. In this chapter, you’ll identify which perfectionist fears are standing in your</p><p>way and learn ways to determine whether your fears are accurate, and if they aren’t, you’ll</p><p>learn ways to change your thinking so you can take advantage of all of life’s opportunities and</p><p>challenges and ultimately find the courage to embrace being imperfect.</p><p>How Your Brain Assesses Danger</p><p>Emotions are the body’s way of telling us what it needs. Fear is a normal biological response</p><p>meant to protect us from danger. Everyone has fears that guide decisions about what is safe</p><p>and what isn’t. However, for perfectionists, our warning systems are working overtime, alert-</p><p>ing us to danger when it doesn’t really exist. This is how we get trapped in our fears.</p><p>Fear is housed in the amygdala, the ancient, reptilian part of the brain that’s responsible</p><p>for the stress response you experience when faced with danger—the urge to fight, escape</p><p>from, or freeze in the face of whatever it is that stresses you out. If you’ve ever encountered a</p><p>52 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>small lizard or snake in your yard, it probably froze or ran off as soon as it sensed your presence. It</p><p>instinctively knows that it can’t win a fight with you, a much larger creature, so its best defense is</p><p>to hold still and hope you don’t notice or to scurry under a bush to safety.</p><p>In much the same way,</p><p>when your brain perceives danger, it immediately must decide if the best response is to run away,</p><p>freeze (or play dead), or fight. And in making this decision, the amygdala acts on instinct rather</p><p>than rational thought.</p><p>The brain has a negativity bias, which means we’re more likely to think about what might go</p><p>wrong than what might go right, and we’re more likely to remember negative experiences than</p><p>positive ones. For example, if you watched a news story about a plane crash that killed three</p><p>hundred people and a heart-warming story about a seventy-five-year-old great-grandmother finally</p><p>graduating from high school, you’re more likely to remember the plane crash. The negativity bias</p><p>was an evolutionary advantage that developed to help us stay alert and aware of potential dangers.</p><p>Fears, however, don’t always give us an accurate assessment of danger. Sometimes the amyg-</p><p>dala overreacts, and we feel afraid when there is actually little or no danger. This is particularly</p><p>true when you’ve experienced a trauma or an upsetting event that you perceived as overwhelming</p><p>and out of your control. After such an experience, we develop a heightened sensitivity and increased</p><p>fear to protect ourselves from being hurt again. The amygdala becomes like a super-sensitive smoke</p><p>detector that goes off every time you burn your toast. We’re counting on it to alert us of actual</p><p>danger, not something as minor as blackened toast. An overly sensitive smoke alarm, like an overly</p><p>sensitive amygdala, makes it challenging to distinguish between real and perceived danger.</p><p>As perfectionists, our fears aren’t so much of physical harm, but of emotional harm. From a</p><p>biological standpoint, situations where we might be criticized, rejected, or embarrassed feel just as</p><p>dangerous as a bull charging right at us. So the fear you feel when presenting a disastrous sales</p><p>report to your boss is alerting you to the danger of being criticized and embarrassed, but your brain</p><p>is likely exaggerating the danger in this situation.</p><p>When we let fear drive us, we miss out on opportunities and underestimate our ability to cope</p><p>with setbacks. And because fear increases if we try to ignore it, the only way to get beyond our</p><p>fears is to confront them. In the next sections, we’ll work on recognizing our fears, challenging</p><p>them to see if they’re warranted, and learning to cope with uncomfortable situations and feelings.</p><p>We’ll do this in small chunks, so you can gradually increase your tolerance for anxiety-provoking</p><p>situations.</p><p>Acknowledging Your Fears</p><p>Perfectionism can act as a shield that we use to keep people from seeing our imperfections and</p><p>mistakes, which we’re terrified to have revealed. Perfectionist fears tend to revolve around being</p><p>inadequate and having other people find out, judge, and reject us because of our imperfections or</p><p>From Fear to Courage 53</p><p>deficits. We also have unrealistic expectations of ourselves—that we can and should be without</p><p>fault, and that others will hold us to the same impossibly high standards that we have (and fail to</p><p>meet). So we often hold people at a distance and only show them our praiseworthy parts, because</p><p>we’re afraid of what people will think if they find out that we failed to get the job we applied for or</p><p>that we’re having marital problems.</p><p>Fears also keep us from trying new things, making necessary changes, and embracing new</p><p>opportunities. We’re reluctant to try new things, because they involve the risk of making mistakes.</p><p>Yet mistakes are inevitable; there is no way around them. It isn’t possible to know how to do some-</p><p>thing perfectly the first time. But as perfectionists, we want to be perfect every time, so we spend</p><p>a lot of time observing, studying, reading, rehearsing things in our heads, or sitting on the side-</p><p>lines. We can choose to live life on the sidelines and avoid anything that may result in a mistake or</p><p>failure, or we can work toward embracing mistakes and seeing them as normal. I like to think of</p><p>mistakes as proof that you’re fully living, trying new things, and being bold. The first step in</p><p>moving past your perfectionist fears is to acknowledge them.</p><p>Which of these common perfectionist fears do you identify with?</p><p>� fear of failure</p><p>� fear of success</p><p>� fear of rejection</p><p>� fear of judgment</p><p>� fear of embarrassing yourself</p><p>� fear of not being understood</p><p>� fear of not being liked</p><p>� fear of being alone</p><p>� fear of criticism</p><p>� fear of trying new things</p><p>� fear of not being good enough</p><p>How do these fears impact you? Do you keep people at a distance or miss out on</p><p>opportunities because you’re playing it safe?</p><p>54 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Now that you’re more aware of your fears, we’ll investigate whether they’re accurate and helpful.</p><p>Are Your Fears Accurate?</p><p>Some fears are based on distorted thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy, pioneered by Albert</p><p>Ellis, PhD, Aaron Beck, MD, and David Burns, MD, is based on the idea that your thoughts</p><p>affect your feelings and behaviors. Specifically, when you become aware of and change your overly</p><p>negative and unrealistic thoughts (often called “cognitive distortions,” “negative automatic</p><p>thoughts,” or “irrational beliefs”), you can learn to feel better (less anxious and more hopeful),</p><p>think more positively (speak to yourself with encouragement rather than criticism), and act in ways</p><p>that help you reach your goals.</p><p>Perfectionist fears are made up of various cognitive distortions. These are some of the most</p><p>common ones:</p><p>• All-or-nothing thinking: You see things as absolutes; there are no in-betweens.</p><p>• Mind reading: You assume others are thinking the same thing you are.</p><p>• Double standard: You hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else.</p><p>• Catastrophizing: You expect the worst.</p><p>• Labeling: You label yourself negatively.</p><p>• Magical thinking: You think everything will be better when (you’re</p><p>thinner, smarter, richer; when you get a new job, and so on).</p><p>• Should statements: You judge yourself and criticize yourself for what you should be</p><p>doing.</p><p>Cognitive distortions are also common; we all think in counter-productive, unrealistic ways</p><p>sometimes. Noticing our cognitive distortions is the first step to challenging them and replacing</p><p>them with more realistic and helpful thoughts.</p><p>Noticing Your Cognitive Distortions</p><p>Use the chart on the next page to practice identifying some of the cognitive distortions behind</p><p>your perfectionist thinking. This list of cognitive distortions is also at the back of the book in</p><p>appendix A, for easy reference in the future.</p><p>From Fear to Courage 55</p><p>Cognitive Distortion Your Examples</p><p>All-or-nothing thinking</p><p>You see things as absolutes, no in-betweens.</p><p>Example: I’m stupid.</p><p>Mind reading</p><p>You assume others are thinking the same</p><p>thing you are.</p><p>Example: I’m sure I didn’t get the job because</p><p>I’m too old.</p><p>Double standard</p><p>You hold yourself to a higher standard than</p><p>everyone else.</p><p>Example: I don’t mind if your desk is a mess,</p><p>but I have to keep mine neat and tidy.</p><p>Catastrophizing</p><p>You expect the worst.</p><p>Example: I was late on the rent. I’m going to</p><p>be evicted.</p><p>Labeling</p><p>You label yourself negatively.</p><p>Example: I made a mistake. I’m a failure.</p><p>Magical thinking</p><p>You think everything will be better when</p><p>(you’re thinner, smarter, richer;</p><p>when you get a new job).</p><p>Example: I’ll meet Mr. Right once I lose</p><p>twenty pounds.</p><p>Should Statements</p><p>You judge yourself and criticize yourself for</p><p>what you should be doing.</p><p>Example: I should run five miles every day</p><p>before work.</p><p>56 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>For each of the fears you identified earlier in this chapter, try to recall a specific time you felt</p><p>this way and record it below. I also want you to identify the distorted thoughts or beliefs that fuel</p><p>the fear and the way you behaved in response to these thoughts and feelings. You may find it</p><p>helpful to do this exercise at the end of each day for the next few</p><p>weeks; if so, you can download</p><p>additional copies of the “Noticing My Distorted Thoughts and Fears” worksheet from http://www</p><p>.newharbinger.com/41535. This will help you gain awareness of how perfectionist fears impact</p><p>your feelings and actions. Below is an example to help you get started.</p><p>Fear: Fear of failure and not being good enough.</p><p>Situation: My sister got a promotion and a big raise.</p><p>Underlying belief: I’m not as smart as my sister. She’s always more successful than me. I feel</p><p>like I always take second place.</p><p>Behavior: I pretended to be happy for her and then felt ashamed of my jealousy. I yelled at my</p><p>kids for making a mess, but mostly it was because I was in a bad mood about my sister’s</p><p>success. I stayed up late drafting a new proposal, hoping to impress my boss.</p><p>Fear:</p><p>Situation:</p><p>Underlying belief:</p><p>Behavior:</p><p>From Fear to Courage 57</p><p>Fear:</p><p>Situation:</p><p>Underlying belief:</p><p>Behavior:</p><p>Fear:</p><p>Situation:</p><p>Underlying belief:</p><p>Behavior:</p><p>58 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Challenging Your Fears</p><p>As I said earlier, fears aren’t always an accurate assessment of danger, so we need to practice</p><p>realistically assessing our fears to ensure that we’re acting based on a judgment made with the pre-</p><p>frontal cortex rather than on the negativity bias of an overzealous amygdala.</p><p>Cognitive reframing is a four-step process that you can use to notice, challenge, and replace</p><p>your distorted thoughts.</p><p>Step 1: Record your negative thoughts.</p><p>Step 2: Check for distortions. Do you see that your thoughts include cognitive distortions?</p><p>The important thing is to recognize the distorted thoughts, so try not to overthink which</p><p>types they are.</p><p>Step 3: Challenge the distortion. Look for evidence to support or refute this thought.</p><p>Asking yourself these questions can help you challenge cognitive distortions. This list can</p><p>also be found in appendix B at the end of the book.</p><p>• How do I know if this thought is accurate?</p><p>• What evidence do I have to support this thought or belief?</p><p>• Do I have a trusted friend whom I can check out these thoughts with?</p><p>• Is this thought helpful?</p><p>• Are there other ways that I can think of this situation or myself?</p><p>• Am I blaming myself unnecessarily?</p><p>• What or who else contributed to this situation?</p><p>• Is it really in my control?</p><p>• Am I overgeneralizing?</p><p>• Am I making assumptions?</p><p>• What would I say to a friend in this situation?</p><p>• Can I look for shades of gray?</p><p>• Am I assuming the worst?</p><p>From Fear to Courage 59</p><p>• Am I holding myself to an unreasonable or double standard?</p><p>• Are there exceptions to these absolutes (always, never)?</p><p>• Am I making this personal when it isn’t?</p><p>• Who gets to decide what I have to or should do?</p><p>• Does this align with my values?</p><p>• Is this a realistic expectation?</p><p>• Am I expecting myself to be perfect?</p><p>Step 4: Replace distorted thoughts with more realistic thoughts.</p><p>Let’s look at an example so you can see how you can use cognitive reframing to challenge your</p><p>distorted fears and perfectionist thinking.</p><p>Ryan’sStory</p><p>Ryan and his wife, Melissa, have a three-month-old baby daughter. Adjustment to</p><p>parenthood has been rough for both. Melissa has postpartum depression, and it</p><p>takes all her energy just to provide for her daughter’s basic needs. Most days, she’s</p><p>gone back to bed by the time Ryan gets home. Ryan is overwhelmed and worried</p><p>about his wife and daughter. When he gets home from work, he too is exhausted,</p><p>but he focuses on getting his wife to shower and eat something. He then gets to</p><p>work cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry, and feeding and playing with his</p><p>daughter. Ryan and Melissa have close friends and parents who would be happy to</p><p>give them a hand, but Ryan refuses to let anyone help. He hasn’t told anyone that</p><p>Melissa was diagnosed with postpartum depression or how much stress he’s under.</p><p>Whenever someone asks if she can drop off a casserole or pick up a few things from</p><p>the store, he declines. Ryan’s afraid he’ll be judged. He thinks it’s his job to take care</p><p>of his family and asking for help proves that he’s a failure and can’t do it on his own.</p><p>He’s afraid of what people will think of Melissa’s depression, and he imagines their</p><p>friends would reject them if they knew. He’s embarrassed to have anyone over</p><p>because the house is a mess.</p><p>Step 1: Record your negative thoughts.</p><p>Ryan’s negative thought: Our friends and family will judge us for a messy house, mental health</p><p>problems, and being overwhelmed.</p><p>60 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Step 2: Check for distortions.</p><p>Ryan’s cognitive distortion: This could be mind reading, a double standard, or catastrophizing.</p><p>Step 3: Challenge the distortion.</p><p>Ryan’s challenge: My parents are supportive of my cousin who has depression. I’ve never</p><p>known my friends to be judgmental about housekeeping or mental health. We helped Mary and</p><p>Joe when their baby was born, and I didn’t think any less of them because the lawn hadn’t been</p><p>mowed and laundry was piled up on the couch.</p><p>Step 4: Replace distorted thoughts with more realistic thoughts.</p><p>Ryan’s realistic thoughts: Our friends and family will still love and accept us even if we’re</p><p>having problems and need help. I don’t have to keep them at a distance and do it all myself.</p><p>This was a very helpful exercise for Ryan. He can now see that asking for help isn’t a sign of</p><p>failure and that the risk of rejection or judgment is small. This sets the stage for Ryan to behave</p><p>differently and courageously, say, by asking for help. It will still be challenging to behave differ-</p><p>ently after so many years, but bit by bit, you will find that you can let go of the fears and negative</p><p>thoughts that have been holding you back. You can use the space below to practice replacing your</p><p>fears and distorted thoughts with more accurate ones. (And if you find this process helpful, you can</p><p>also download a “Challenging My Negative Thoughts” worksheet from http://www.newharbinger</p><p>.com/41535 to work with other negative thoughts.)</p><p>Record your negative thoughts:</p><p>Check for cognitive distortions:</p><p>Challenge the distortion:</p><p>From Fear to Courage 61</p><p>Replace with more realistic thoughts:</p><p>Record your negative thoughts:</p><p>Check for cognitive distortions:</p><p>Challenge the distortion:</p><p>Replace with more realistic thoughts:</p><p>Record your negative thoughts:</p><p>Check for cognitive distortions:</p><p>Challenge the distortion:</p><p>62 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Replace with more realistic thoughts:</p><p>Courage in the Face of Perfectionism</p><p>When we get stuck in our perfectionist fears, we allow perfectionism to dictate what we can do and</p><p>how we feel about ourselves. For most of us, these fears drastically limit us. Courage, however, is</p><p>the antidote to our perfectionist fears. Being courageous in the face of perfectionism means we can</p><p>take chances, tolerate mistakes, and live our lives fully.</p><p>Courage in the face of perfectionism takes many forms:</p><p>• self-acceptance</p><p>• asking for what you need</p><p>• sharing your mistakes rather than trying to hide them</p><p>• speaking your truth</p><p>• asking for help</p><p>• trying something new</p><p>• admitting when you’re wrong</p><p>• speaking up for what you believe in</p><p>• allowing others to see your imperfections</p><p>Courage is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the stronger it becomes. Practicing courage</p><p>means repeatedly doing things that are just beyond your comfort zone. Most of us deal with change</p><p>best when we do it incrementally. For example, if you are anxious speaking in public, I wouldn’t</p><p>suggest volunteering to speak in front of 1,500 colleagues at the next company-wide meeting.</p><p>Instead, you might start with a smaller group, like your department or even your book club.</p><p>Successfully speaking in front of your book club or presenting at a departmental staff meeting will</p><p>build your confidence, and with practice, you’ll have the courage to</p><p>present to the entire company.</p><p>The point is to challenge yourself just enough to feel discomfort, but not so much that you are</p><p>overwhelmed and paralyze yourself.</p><p>From Fear to Courage 63</p><p>You can’t create the life you crave, whether it’s financial success, a satisfying relationship, or</p><p>high self-esteem, without taking risks. Growth is the essence of life. We are all changing con-</p><p>stantly. When we embrace change and learn to value our mistakes as the stepping stones of self-</p><p>improvement, we are moving toward our goals.</p><p>What does courage to be imperfect mean to you?</p><p>Can you think of a time when you were courageous in the face of perfectionism and</p><p>resisted being driven by fear and the need to achieve?</p><p>Summary</p><p>In this chapter, I asked you to identify your fears and consider how they are negatively impacting</p><p>your life. We practiced noticing that fears are often based on distorted, or unrealistic, thoughts,</p><p>and finding ways to challenge and replace them. This is a strategy based on cognitive behavioral</p><p>therapy, which can be effective when practiced consistently. Over time, you’ll be able to do this</p><p>exercise in your head, but at the beginning, most people find it’s most useful when it’s done in</p><p>writing. Now, we will move our focus to our self-critical thoughts and work on transforming them</p><p>into more accepting and loving ways of thinking and acting toward ourselves.</p><p>Chapter5</p><p>From Self-Criticism to</p><p>Self-Compassion</p><p>As perfectionists, we’re hard on ourselves, and this often takes the form of self-criticism.</p><p>In this chapter, we’ll examine how self-criticism is a barrier to accepting and caring for</p><p>ourselves. I’m going to provide you with four strategies to help you move away from</p><p>self-criticism and toward self-compassion: talking to yourself with compassion, cognitive</p><p>reframing, practicing self-forgiveness, and focusing on your strengths. They all work syner-</p><p>gistically, and you’ll find they overlap nicely. But before we get to the strategies, let’s first</p><p>examine why we’re so prone to self-criticism and how self-compassion can benefit us.</p><p>Self-Compassion Leads to Self-Acceptance</p><p>Self-compassion might sound strange, selfish, or soft, but it’s a fairly simple concept that</p><p>means you give yourself the same understanding and kindness that you might give a friend</p><p>during a time of need. It includes talking to yourself kindly, forgiving yourself, taking care of</p><p>your body, giving yourself comfort (like making time to savor a calming cup of tea at the end</p><p>of a stressful day), and loving touch (such as giving yourself a hug or massage).</p><p>66 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Kristin Neff, PhD, author of the book Self-Compassion, identifies three parts of self-compas-</p><p>sion: (1) self-kindness rather than judgment or criticism in the face of struggle; (2) recognition of</p><p>our common humanity, meaning that we feel connected to, not isolated from, others in our shared</p><p>struggles; and (3) mindfulness, so that we are aware of our feelings, but not minimizing or exag-</p><p>gerating our pain (2011, 41). Using these three components, we can learn to treat ourselves with</p><p>kindness and reap the rewards of self-compassion.</p><p>In this chapter, we’ll practice ways of being kinder and gentler with ourselves using exercises</p><p>inspired by Neff ’s work. We’ll recognize that everyone has difficulties in life. My struggles might</p><p>be different than yours, but you can be sure that no one has a problem-free life! And every one of</p><p>us deserves compassion when we’re going through a hard time, whether you forgot to pick up your</p><p>son from swim practice or backed into another car in the parking lot. Understanding that our</p><p>problems and flaws make us similar to others, not different from or less than they are, allows us to</p><p>give ourselves the same kindness that we’d give a friend during a difficult time.</p><p>In order to give ourselves compassion, we need to first acknowledge that we’re having a hard</p><p>time. Noticing our own struggles can be surprisingly difficult. It requires us to mindfully pay</p><p>attention to our thoughts and feelings and the physical sensations in our bodies. This could be</p><p>thinking, I’m having a rough day, or I’m overwhelmed by everything I have to do, or noticing that</p><p>you’re irritable and physically exhausted. Only when we notice and accept our struggles can we</p><p>respond with kindness and understanding. As perfectionists, we’re particularly apt to deny our own</p><p>shortcomings, struggles, and pain, because we view them as proof of our inadequacies. This is why</p><p>it’s especially important for us to work on transforming our self-criticism into self-compassion.</p><p>Perfectionists Never Feel Good Enough</p><p>We all talk to ourselves continuously. Most of this self-talk isn’t even in our consciousness. We get</p><p>so accustomed to our steady stream of thoughts that we don’t pay attention to most of them.</p><p>However, our unconscious thoughts are important, because they reflect what we believe about</p><p>ourselves and influence our feelings and actions. Most perfectionists hold a core belief that we’re</p><p>not good enough, hence the need to constantly do more and be more. We create unrealistic expec-</p><p>tations for ourselves, expectations that we’ll be perfect; and when we inevitably fail to meet them,</p><p>it serves as evidence that we’re not as good as everyone else. Perfectionists meet this sense of failure</p><p>with harsh self-criticism, which further reinforces our feelings of ineptitude.</p><p>Many of us find it easier to offer a kind gesture, encouraging word, or forgiveness to others</p><p>than we do to ourselves. Sometimes we’re truly quite awful to ourselves—saying and doing things</p><p>to ourselves that we would never say or do to a friend. We subject ourselves to an unforgiving inner</p><p>critic, unhealthy relationships, toxic substances, and self-punishment because we’re convinced that</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 67</p><p>we’re different and inferior. We see ourselves as failures, idiots, careless, and lazy. We’re quick to</p><p>notice our faults and discount our positive qualities. And we criticize ourselves, because we think</p><p>we deserve it. And because of our impossibly high standards, we see our faults as catastrophic.</p><p>Hence, we worry that giving ourselves grace will lead to more failures and insecurities. We let our</p><p>imperfections keep us disconnected rather than seeing the shared humanness in our</p><p>imperfections.</p><p>Laurie is an example of a perfectionist who’s very hard on herself. You’ll notice that some of her</p><p>negative self-talk is spoken out loud, and some are silent thoughts.</p><p>Laurie was plucking stray hairs from her chin one morning when her young</p><p>daughter asked what she was doing. “I’m trying to make myself look presentable,”</p><p>she replied in a flustered tone. She examined herself in the mirror and said, “See all</p><p>these wrinkles and these ugly black hairs on my chin? I’m old. No one wants to look</p><p>at an old woman.” Running late, as usual, she started yelling at her daughters to find</p><p>their coats and backpacks and get in the car. “We’re going to be late again!” she</p><p>hollered. Minutes later, as she drove to work, she was berating herself: I can’t believe</p><p>I lost my temper again. I said I was going to stop yelling. Why can’t I ever plan ahead and</p><p>get organized the night before? What’s wrong with me?</p><p>Can you relate to Laurie? Laurie is not only self-critical, but she sees her f laws as proof that she</p><p>is different and “not enough.” She imagines that other people have fewer wrinkles and chin hairs</p><p>and are more organized and patient than she is. Laurie has homed in on her perceived shortcom-</p><p>ings and wants to be more organized and patient, but she ends up criticizing herself, partly out of</p><p>habit and also because she believes it will lead to changes in her behavior. However, self-criticism</p><p>is unlikely to be an effective change strategy for Laurie or for you.</p><p>What do you say to yourself when you make a mistake, procrastinate, don’t achieve your</p><p>goals, lose your temper, don’t live up to expectations,</p><p>or feel not good enough, or when</p><p>things don’t go according to plan? Do you tend to be accepting and kind or harsh and</p><p>judgmental?</p><p>68 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>If you’re like most perfectionists, you tend to be self-critical. You may not be aware of the</p><p>extent of your self-criticism, because you’ve grown accustomed to it and see it as normal. Or you</p><p>may notice it but think it’s deserved or even necessary. As we continue on, we’ll work on both</p><p>becoming more aware of our self-criticism and understanding that it’s not warranted or helpful.</p><p>Isn’t Self-Criticism Motivating?</p><p>Most perfectionists mistakenly believe that self-criticism will motivate them to excel or change and</p><p>that meeting an error with compassion will only lead to poorer performance and more mistakes. If</p><p>you made a mistake on your last sales report, you might say something critical to yourself: I’m such</p><p>an idiot. This is the worst report I’ve ever written. This type of self-criticism might temporarily moti-</p><p>vate you out of fear and shame, but at the same time, you’re undermining your self-esteem and</p><p>potentially increasing feelings of depression, anxiety, and shame. Ultimately, self-criticism makes</p><p>us feel worse about ourselves, and it’s hard to do better when we’re yelling and calling ourselves</p><p>derogatory names. Instead, imagine how it would feel if you responded to your mistake with com-</p><p>passion: I feel embarrassed and frustrated about making this mistake, because I’m trying so hard to do well</p><p>and impress my boss. I know I can do better next time. Maybe I need to get more sleep or finish my reports</p><p>first thing in the morning when I’m fresh.</p><p>As you can see from this example, self-compassion isn’t self-indulgent. It’s not giving ourselves</p><p>a free pass when we screw up. We don’t have to choose between accountability or compassion. Self-</p><p>compassion allows us to give ourselves both the accountability and the understanding that we need</p><p>to accept and improve ourselves, as well as the space in which to do so.</p><p>Self-compassionate people tend to be more motivated, because they are interested in learning</p><p>from their mistakes. They can move on more quickly after a setback and set new goals instead of</p><p>getting stuck in disappointment and self-reproach.</p><p>Over the years, has criticizing yourself made you feel better or worse about yourself?</p><p>How do you think acknowledging your struggles and responding to them with kindness</p><p>could be motivating?</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 69</p><p>Support and encouragement help us to succeed. Some of that support may come from family,</p><p>friends, or colleagues, but we can also provide ourselves with emotional support by replacing self-</p><p>critical thoughts with kinder and more realistic self-talk. Self-compassion is a more effective and</p><p>positive motivator than self-criticism. So, now that we’ve identified some of the benefits of self-</p><p>compassion, we’ll work on practicing it.</p><p>Talk to Yourself with Compassion</p><p>Talking to yourself kindly is an important form of self-compassion and a natural antidote to self-</p><p>criticism. The following exercise will help you identify self-critical thoughts, recognize that you</p><p>aren’t alone in your failures and imperfections, and offer yourself compassion. Use the space below</p><p>to give it a try, and then continue to practice using compassionate self-talk at least once a day. The</p><p>more you practice, the more natural it will feel.</p><p>Identify a situation in which you were self-critical.</p><p>Sample response: I was late picking up my daughter from preschool. She was the last child</p><p>there, and her teacher looked annoyed with me. I told myself, “I’m the worst mom. Why can’t</p><p>you get anything right?”</p><p>70 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What is the pain you’re experiencing?</p><p>Sample response: I felt like a failure as a mom. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was sad</p><p>about upsetting my daughter and making the teacher stay late.</p><p>Are you the only human who has ever made this type of mistake? How do you know?</p><p>Sample response: No, my husband has been late before. And I’ve heard Sara say that it’s really</p><p>hard for her to pick up Jack by six.</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 71</p><p>Now that you’re aware of your pain and see that you aren’t the only one who has done</p><p>these things (hurt someone, failed, made a mistake, and so on), what would you say to</p><p>someone else who is experiencing this pain?</p><p>Sample response: You’re not a bad mom just because you were late. You take really good care</p><p>of your daughter and work hard all day to provide for her. I know you’re doing the best you can.</p><p>Now try giving yourself the same compassionate response that you’d give a friend.</p><p>Sample response: Sharon, you’re not a bad mom just because you were late. You take really</p><p>good care of your daughter and work hard all day to provide for her. You’re doing the best you</p><p>can.</p><p>72 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>How does it feel to give yourself compassion in a difficult time?</p><p>Cognitive Reframing</p><p>As we did in the previous chapter on challenging our fears, we’re going to use cognitive reframing</p><p>to change exaggerated or inaccurate negative thoughts (cognitive distortions) about ourselves. Self-</p><p>criticism becomes an automatic response for most of us. In fact, a lot of our thoughts aren’t in our</p><p>conscious awareness. They’re like elevator music humming in the background, setting the tone,</p><p>without us even realizing it. In this case, the tone is critical, negative, and pessimistic. We want to</p><p>replace this with more balanced and realistic thoughts. So, to begin to change this, we want to</p><p>become more aware of our self-critical thoughts.</p><p>Noticing Self-Criticism</p><p>The first step in changing negative thoughts—what’s often called “negative self-talk”—is to</p><p>get really clear about the negative things we’re saying to ourselves.</p><p>Over the next several days or weeks, record the negative thoughts you have about yourself. You</p><p>can start with the following chart (which you can also download as a worksheet, “Noticing Self-</p><p>Criticism,” from http://www.newharbinger.com/41535), but you may find it more convenient to do</p><p>it on a notepad you carry with you, on a journaling app, or as a written or voice memo on your</p><p>phone. You may be surprised at how often you’re being self-critical.</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 73</p><p>Be on the lookout for the words always, never, and should. They’re often signs that criticism is</p><p>at work. You may also find it helpful to refer to the list of cognitive distortions at the end of the</p><p>book (appendix A).</p><p>Day and time Situation Negative self-talk</p><p>Monday,</p><p>8:30 a.m.</p><p>Spilled my cup of coffee. I’m so clumsy. Now I’m going to</p><p>be late.</p><p>Challenging Self-Criticism</p><p>We start the process of changing our negative thoughts by looking for evidence to either support</p><p>or refute our negative beliefs about ourselves. The questions we used in the previous chapter (you</p><p>can find a copy in appendix B) can be helpful in exploring whether your thinking is accurate.</p><p>It’s important to go through the step of challenging your negative self-talk before replacing it</p><p>with something more positive, because it feels phony to simply say positive things to ourselves if we</p><p>don’t believe them.</p><p>74 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Completing this chart (which is also available in downloadable format, “Challenging Self-</p><p>Criticism,” from http://www.newharbinger.com/41535) will help you practice identifying, chal-</p><p>lenging, and changing your negative self-talk.</p><p>Negative self-talk Challenge Realistic or positive</p><p>self-talk</p><p>I’m so clumsy. I spilled my coffee because</p><p>I was in a rush. I don’t do this</p><p>every day. It’s not fair to label</p><p>myself “clumsy.” I don’t think</p><p>I’m clumsier than other</p><p>people.</p><p>I was in a rush. Spilling coffee</p><p>doesn’t make me clumsy.</p><p>This isn’t worth criticizing</p><p>myself over.</p><p>I’m sure Megan’s</p><p>going to</p><p>get the promotion. She’s</p><p>much smarter and prettier</p><p>than I am.</p><p>I don’t know who’s going</p><p>to get the promotion.</p><p>I know I’ve had excellent</p><p>performance reviews the</p><p>past two years, and my</p><p>manager sent me that</p><p>nice e-mail after my last</p><p>presentation. I’m assuming</p><p>the worst.</p><p>I’ve worked hard and done</p><p>my best. That’s all I can</p><p>expect of myself. Maybe</p><p>I’ll get the promotion, maybe</p><p>I won’t—either way, I’m still</p><p>a good employee and a</p><p>good person.</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 75</p><p>Changing our self-talk is an important part of moving from self-criticism to self-compassion.</p><p>However, sometimes our self-criticism is deeply lodged as a result of something we feel very badly</p><p>about. Self-forgiveness is an approach that can be helpful in addition to cognitive reframing.</p><p>Practice Self-Forgiveness</p><p>Because we demand a lot of ourselves and are constantly disappointed in our imperfect perfor-</p><p>mance and behavior, we tend to hold on to our mistakes and continue to castigate ourselves for</p><p>things that we did wrong. You might be continuing to punish yourself for yelling at your children,</p><p>like Laurie did, or for causing a car accident. Mistakes become a heavy load to bear for perfection-</p><p>ists, because we severely (and sometimes inappropriately) blame ourselves, and our list of wrongs</p><p>and mistakes only grows unless we take steps to accept our mistakes and imperfections and forgive</p><p>ourselves.</p><p>Forgiveness is a way of giving ourselves compassion and accepting our mistakes; it normalizes</p><p>them. Forgiveness recognizes our shared humanity—we all make mistakes and have regrets, and</p><p>no one deserves to be perpetually criticized for them.</p><p>However, our perfectionism, a reflection of our feelings of inadequacy, makes it hard for us to</p><p>forgive ourselves, and self-criticism is a barrier to self-forgiveness. But beating ourselves up for our</p><p>imperfections and mistakes does not ultimately serve us well—or those that we may have hurt. The</p><p>best way to make things right and feel at peace is to acknowledge and take responsibility for our</p><p>mistakes, apologize or repair any damage caused, and commit ourselves to learning from them. It’s</p><p>much harder to do these things when we’re bogged down with self-loathing or depression than</p><p>when we’re practicing self-compassion.</p><p>Forgiving ourselves doesn’t mean we disregard our mistakes or excuse our poor choices. On the</p><p>contrary, forgiveness requires that we take responsibility for our actions and believe that compas-</p><p>sion will allow us to move forward toward better choices.</p><p>Self-forgiveness is more of a process than an event. It’s something that you will practice over</p><p>and over again in order to gradually release your self-criticism and the belief that you deserve to be</p><p>punished for your imperfections. Self-forgiveness happens when—bit by bit—we believe that we</p><p>truly did the best we could and understand why we made the choices that we did. Hindsight really</p><p>is twenty-twenty, which is why it’s completely unfair to judge our past selves with the knowledge</p><p>and skills we have now. Remember: “When we know better, we do better.”</p><p>If you’re highly self-critical and holding on to past mistakes, you can work toward self-forgive-</p><p>ness with the following exercises: re-do a regret, forgiveness affirmation, and take positive action.</p><p>Each one can be a part of the process of self-forgiveness.</p><p>76 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Re-Do a Regret</p><p>We can’t, of course, travel back in time and do things differently. But it can still help to think</p><p>about what we would have done differently and give ourselves compassion; this helps us learn from</p><p>our mistakes and keep things in perspective.</p><p>Think of a situation that you’re struggling to forgive yourself for, something you’re feeling</p><p>shame, regret, hurt, or anger about. Describe what happened below.</p><p>What can you say to your past self to offer understanding and compassion during that</p><p>situation or experience?</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 77</p><p>If you could do it over, what would you do differently?</p><p>See if you can implement what you just described the next time you’re in a similar situation.</p><p>Forgiveness Affirmation</p><p>An affirmation can create a positive mindset and energy that can help you start to think about</p><p>yourself differently and then, ultimately, treat yourself differently. For example, Laurie used a for-</p><p>giveness affirmation to stop beating herself up about losing her temper with her daughters during</p><p>times of stress and to remain focused on her goal of being less reactive and self-critical.</p><p>Laurie’s forgiveness affirmation:</p><p>I forgive myself for yelling at the girls. I release myself from feeling guilty and like a</p><p>terrible mother and person. I accept that I’m human and I make mistakes. Now, I</p><p>would do things differently, but I did the best I could at the time, and I forgive</p><p>myself for my mistakes.</p><p>You can use this formula for your self-forgiveness affirmation or you can modify it as</p><p>needed.</p><p>I forgive myself for                    . I release myself from</p><p>. I accept that I’m</p><p>human and I make mistakes. Now, I would do things differently, but I did the best I</p><p>could at the time, and I forgive myself for my mistakes.</p><p>78 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Or write your own personal forgiveness affirmation:</p><p>Try repeating your affirmation every morning and every evening. See how it feels. You can</p><p>change the affirmation to language that speaks to your specific pain and regret. Make it meaning-</p><p>ful to you.</p><p>Take Positive Action</p><p>It’s important that we acknowledge our mistakes—not so we can punish ourselves for them,</p><p>but so we can learn from them and accept our imperfections. Sometimes our mistakes also nega-</p><p>tively impact others, and this can be an especially painful reminder of our imperfections. However,</p><p>getting stuck in rumination and regret doesn’t help anyone. We can try to make the best of a</p><p>mistake by learning from it, giving an apology or making amends to those who were hurt, or by</p><p>doing something good in the world.</p><p>Often, part of releasing ourselves from regret is giving an apology and making amends. A</p><p>quality apology has three parts: (1) taking responsibility for our actions and the impact, (2) showing</p><p>regret, and (3) offering to fix things. Here’s an example: “Isaiah, I’m sorry I took credit for your</p><p>idea during the customer meeting. That was wrong. I see now that it made you look unprepared</p><p>and incompetent in front of our customer. I’d like to talk to our supervisor and the customer to take</p><p>responsibility for my wrongdoing and give you full credit for the idea.”</p><p>Think of a situation in which you did something you wish you could apologize for. Practice</p><p>writing an apology that takes responsibility, shows regret, and offers a repair.</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 79</p><p>Sometimes the person you need to apologize to is you. If you’ve been degrading yourself,</p><p>cursing at yourself, and holding yourself hostage emotionally, it can be a powerful exercise to</p><p>forgive yourself for being mean and unnecessarily harsh with yourself. You would expect an apology</p><p>if someone else treated you this way, so why not give yourself an apology? Jacie’s story is an example</p><p>of self-forgiveness.</p><p>Jacie’sStory</p><p>Years after her mother died, Jacie continued to beat herself up for not getting to</p><p>her mother’s bedside in time to say goodbye. Her siblings had all been there to</p><p>comfort their mother and hold her hand as she died. Jacie felt like an awful</p><p>daughter. Jacie’s apology to herself went like this: “I’m sorry that I’ve guilted you</p><p>and said you were a bad daughter. I’m sorry that I’ve let you focus on this regret and</p><p>let it color your memories of Mom and our relationship. That wasn’t fair. I want to be</p><p>kind to you going forward and offer you understanding and compassion when</p><p>you’re suffering.”</p><p>Try writing an apology to yourself</p><p>for being self-critical and harsh.</p><p>Sometimes an apology isn’t possible and we can’t make amends to the injured party. This</p><p>doesn’t mean we are doomed to a lifetime of regret and self-criticism. We can still lessen the nega-</p><p>tive impact by taking positive action in the world. In Jacie’s case, she did apologize to herself, but</p><p>she still felt unsettled. She finally started to feel better when she began a practice of sending sym-</p><p>pathy cards with a heartfelt message to parishioners in her church when a loved one died. This was</p><p>a small but meaningful way that Jacie could help others.</p><p>80 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Doing something positive in the world doesn’t need to be time-consuming or costly. You can</p><p>simply do something small, like bringing in your elderly neighbor’s trash cans, as a way to counter</p><p>your negative and self-critical perfectionist beliefs, make amends, and focus on how you can make</p><p>the world a better place.</p><p>What are some simple ways that you can take positive action in the world?</p><p>Focus on Your Strengths</p><p>You’re probably hyperaware of your faults and shortcomings but unaware of or quick to dismiss</p><p>your strengths and positive personality traits. Perfectionism gives us an inaccurate perception of</p><p>ourselves. We become internally focused on our imperfections and failures, which we try to keep</p><p>hidden from everyone else. This creates an inaccurate self-assessment, which contributes to our</p><p>tendency to self-criticize.</p><p>Identifying Your Strengths</p><p>We all have strengths and weaknesses, but as perfectionists, we tend to magnify our weak-</p><p>nesses and ignore our strengths. It’s not realistic to expect ourselves to know everything, excel at</p><p>everything, and win every competition. And it’s not fair to discount our strengths and positive</p><p>attributes. We’ve talked about ways to begin to accept our weaknesses and mistakes, but we also</p><p>need to rebalance our thinking by recognizing our strengths.</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 81</p><p>• creative</p><p>• determined</p><p>• patient</p><p>• confident</p><p>• kind</p><p>• energetic</p><p>• focused</p><p>• gracious</p><p>• humorous</p><p>• spiritual</p><p>• a team player</p><p>• independent</p><p>• playful</p><p>• hardworking</p><p>• attentive to detail</p><p>• honest</p><p>• open-minded</p><p>• able to keep things in</p><p>perspective</p><p>• organized</p><p>• practical</p><p>• disciplined</p><p>• brave</p><p>• loyal</p><p>• generous</p><p>• responsible</p><p>• thoughtful</p><p>• adaptable</p><p>• consistent</p><p>• spontaneous</p><p>• positive</p><p>• authentic</p><p>• a lifelong learner</p><p>• hopeful</p><p>• appreciative of the small</p><p>things</p><p>• curious</p><p>• self-aware</p><p>• empathetic</p><p>• prudent</p><p>What strengths do you see in yourself? (List at least five.)</p><p>As you work on identifying your strengths, remember that strengths are not the same as</p><p>achievements. Achievements have their place, but they are only part of who you are. We want to</p><p>tap into the inner character strengths, personality traits, and positive attributes that make you</p><p>special.</p><p>You can use this list of strengths to help you get started.</p><p>82 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>If you have trouble with this exercise, try asking yourself these questions.</p><p>What strengths have contributed to your successes?</p><p>What activities or roles do you enjoy?</p><p>Which of your personality traits bring you joy?</p><p>Which of your personality traits reflect your values?</p><p>You can also ask two or three close friends, family members, or colleagues about your strengths.</p><p>Sometimes others see things that we don’t recognize in ourselves.</p><p>What strengths do your friends and family see in you? In what ways do they value you for</p><p>what you do—and who you are?</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 83</p><p>Give and Accept Compliments</p><p>Giving ourselves compliments and accepting them from others is another way we can act in a</p><p>loving way toward ourselves. Many people tend to disregard compliments. We shrug them off, not</p><p>wanting people to think we’re narcissistic or conceited. However, most compliments are given</p><p>freely with an open heart. They are intended to focus on the positive and to brighten your day.</p><p>Graciously accepting a compliment brings joy to both the giver and the receiver.</p><p>Write down some compliments that you’ve received in the past few weeks. If none come</p><p>to mind, be on the lookout for them for the next few days, and write them down when you</p><p>receive them.</p><p>How do you typically respond to compliments?</p><p>84 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>When you receive a compliment, remind yourself that someone else has recognized something</p><p>positive about you and wanted to let you know. Let it soak in. If you don’t entirely believe what the</p><p>other person’s telling you, perhaps mull it over and look for some truth in it. And even if you don’t</p><p>completely agree with the compliment, try receiving it as a loving gesture—an expression of his or</p><p>her care for you. You might respond by saying, “thank you,” “thanks for noticing,” “I appreciate</p><p>your kindness,” or “yes, I’m really happy about that, too.”</p><p>What response or responses to compliments feel right to you?</p><p>Now we’re going to practice giving ourselves compliments. As perfectionists, we already tend to</p><p>base our value on our achievements, so for this exercise, try to focus on your strengths, things that</p><p>matter to you (not things that you did to please others), and challenges you’ve overcome, as well as</p><p>the self-improvement, effort, or progress you’ve made. This is another place to watch that you don’t</p><p>get caught up in all-or-nothing thinking. It’s totally valid to give yourself a virtual gold star for</p><p>prepping your lunches for the week on Sunday night, even if you didn’t manage to do it last week.</p><p>These compliments are about what’s happening right now.</p><p>Try to record at least one positive thing about yourself per day and then write it as a compli-</p><p>ment. To reinforce your strengths and efforts, it’s great to come back to this list and reread it, say</p><p>the compliments out loud, or write them on sticky notes that you stick on your mirror or computer</p><p>for extra reinforcement. (For a worksheet version of this exercise, “Give Yourself a Compliment,”</p><p>that you can print out and post, visit http://www.newharbinger.com/41535.)</p><p>From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 85</p><p>Date Positive quality or effort Compliment</p><p>Sunday Stayed calm while I taught my</p><p>sixteen-year-old to drive, even</p><p>though inside I was super anxious.</p><p>Sharon, I’m really proud of you for</p><p>staying calm and not showing</p><p>Sophie how anxious you were</p><p>about her driving.</p><p>86 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>After you’ve spent some time practicing self-compassion and giving yourself compliments, be</p><p>sure to look for opportunities to compliment yourself for using compassionate self-talk and forgive-</p><p>ness instead of self-criticism.</p><p>Summary</p><p>We can change self-critical patterns by incorporating compassionate self-talk, cognitive reframing,</p><p>forgiveness, and focusing on strengths into our daily routines. These strategies will help you to</p><p>notice when you’re struggling and give you the love and understanding that you need and deserve.</p><p>Next, we will be tackling the challenge of procrastination, which can also lead to self-criticism and</p><p>diminished self-esteem. We’ll look at why we procrastinate, practical approaches for increasing</p><p>motivation, and ways to be kind to ourselves when we fall prey to procrastination.</p><p>Chapter6</p><p>From Procrastinating</p><p>to Getting Things</p><p>Done</p><p>We’ve all experienced procrastination—that knowledge that you should be doing something</p><p>productive, but instead of starting the laundry, you’ve spent the last hour watching one</p><p>YouTube video after another. Because of our impossibly high standards, we perfectionists</p><p>tend to be harder on ourselves than most people when we procrastinate. In this chapter, we’re</p><p>going to take a closer look at how overwhelm, fear, and perfectionist thinking contribute to</p><p>procrastination and how to break the cycle by changing our thoughts and</p><p>behaviors.</p><p>Why We Procrastinate</p><p>Some people are surprised that perfectionists procrastinate, because we’re generally such</p><p>workhorses. It’s true that perfectionists will not take a missed deadline or sloppy work</p><p>lightly, but we aren’t immune to the overwhelm, fear, and negative thinking that fuel</p><p>procrastination.</p><p>88 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Overwhelm</p><p>One reason for procrastination is that we become overwhelmed with the multitude of complex</p><p>tasks we’ve taken on. If you have a hard time saying no to new projects or added responsibilities and</p><p>are constantly trying to prove yourself, you’ve probably taken on more work (housework, volunteer</p><p>work, side hustles) and pursued more goals than the average person. You might pride yourself on</p><p>cleaning the whole house three nights a week in addition to your sixty-hour-a-week work schedule.</p><p>Or you might find yourself shooting off e-mails as you’re standing on the sidelines at your kid’s</p><p>soccer practice, desperate to keep tabs on the latest major project even as you try to be the perfect</p><p>parent cheering your son on. As a result of this drive to extend yourself and do everything you pos-</p><p>sibly can, you may get burned-out and overwhelmed.</p><p>Perfectionism increases the pressure and overwhelm, because we don’t just expect ourselves to</p><p>do all the things we take on; we expect ourselves to do them perfectly and effortlessly. Sometimes</p><p>we experience analysis paralysis—an inability to make decisions or take action because we’re over-</p><p>whelmed by the number of choices we have and the need for every action we take to be just right.</p><p>Are there goals, projects, deadlines, or responsibilities that feel overwhelming right now?</p><p>If so, write them down to help clarify what feels stressful.</p><p>Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>Overwhelm isn’t the only reason we procrastinate. The need to do things f lawlessly adds tons</p><p>of extra pressure to every task. So projects don’t get started and work doesn’t get done because of</p><p>our fear of not doing them perfectly. And sometimes it feels safer to not act—to procrastinate.</p><p>Perfectionist thoughts are harsh, all-or-nothing messages that underlie our belief that imper-</p><p>fections are the same as failures, inadequacies, and unworthiness. Perfectionist thinking that con-</p><p>tributes to procrastination includes many different kinds of thoughts:</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 89</p><p>• If it’s not perfect, it’s not worth doing.</p><p>• If it’s this hard, I must be stupid.</p><p>• What if I mess up?</p><p>• I’ll probably embarrass myself.</p><p>• Mistakes are unacceptable.</p><p>• I’m not good at .</p><p>• I have to do everything myself; I’m the only one who can do this correctly.</p><p>Perfectionist thinking impedes our ability to try new things, take chances, and stretch our-</p><p>selves. As we’ve discussed previously, perfectionist thinking is based on cognitive distortions or</p><p>false information and assumptions. It plays on our fears and increases our feelings of overwhelm</p><p>and the pressure to perform, which leads to avoidance and procrastination.</p><p>Notice and record the perfectionist thoughts you have that may contribute to avoidance</p><p>and procrastination.</p><p>Fear</p><p>As we discussed in chapter 5, fear of failure, rejection, and criticism can stand in the way of</p><p>acting. These fears are magnified by perfectionist thinking that tells us that mistakes are cata-</p><p>strophic. You can avoid failure, rejection, and criticism by procrastinating or avoiding certain tasks</p><p>and situations altogether. However, this only magnifies your fears and increases the anxiety and</p><p>stress that you feel about having incomplete projects or unmet goals.</p><p>90 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What are some things that you procrastinate doing because you’re afraid of doing them</p><p>imperfectly or being criticized?</p><p>Does procrastination make you feel more stressed and increase your fears of failure,</p><p>rejection, and criticism? Can you think of a time that this happened?</p><p>Why Procrastination Is a Problem</p><p>Some procrastination is normal; but procrastination does cause problems, especially if you do it</p><p>regularly. Procrastination doesn’t just get in the way of us achieving our goals. Procrastination can</p><p>also cause us to miss out on opportunities, waste time, and feel even more stressed and</p><p>overwhelmed.</p><p>Missed Opportunities</p><p>Procrastination can cause us to miss out on opportunities to learn, experience new things, meet</p><p>new people, have fun, advance in our career, and challenge ourselves. Ty’s story is an example of</p><p>how procrastination can lead to missed opportunities.</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 91</p><p>Ty’sStory</p><p>Ty is an avid singer and songwriter. He loves to sing for his family, but he’s never</p><p>performed in public. When his brother-in-law invited him to perform at a local open</p><p>mic night, it piqued his interest, and he started thinking about signing up. Naturally,</p><p>Ty was nervous about the prospect of his first public performance, so he put off</p><p>signing up. Two days passed, then a third. He kept telling himself he’d do it, but</p><p>instead of signing up and practicing for the show, he stayed late at work, got a</p><p>haircut, took his car in for service, and started painting his porch. The deadline</p><p>came and went, and Ty told his brother-in-law that he was just too busy.</p><p>Has this ever happened to you? You wanted to do something, but you put it off, stalled, made</p><p>excuses, and didn’t make a decision until the opportunity had passed you by. Maybe it was a job</p><p>you didn’t apply for, a relationship that you didn’t pursue, a trip you didn’t take, an appointment</p><p>you never scheduled, or a party you didn’t attend.</p><p>What opportunities have you missed by procrastinating or getting stuck in analysis</p><p>paralysis?</p><p>Wasted Time</p><p>When we’re avoiding something, we often end up wasting time doing things that don’t really</p><p>matter or don’t benefit us. For example, if you really want to spend an hour watching YouTube, it’s</p><p>not necessarily a waste of time. When we allow ourselves simple pleasures and enjoy them, they are</p><p>restorative and bring us joy. But when you watch YouTube to avoid starting the laundry, it probably</p><p>isn’t giving you the same boost of happiness. Often, you’ll end up criticizing yourself for the things</p><p>you procrastinated on.</p><p>92 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>How does procrastination lead to wasted time for you?</p><p>Stress, Overwhelm, and Self-Criticism</p><p>Putting things off generally increases anxiety. Even if you’re distracting yourself, it can be hard</p><p>to fully relax when you still haven’t made that difficult phone call to your boss. The unfinished task</p><p>nags at you and continues to stress you out for as long as you postpone it. In contrast, most people</p><p>feel relief when they complete a difficult task, even if it didn’t go well. To further understand the</p><p>connection between stress and procrastination, let’s take a look at Madison’s experience.</p><p>Madison’sStory</p><p>Madison is a new case manager for a maternal mental health program, and all of her</p><p>clients adore her. She’s totally in touch with their feelings and personal needs; she</p><p>helps them navigate their insurance benefits, goes above and beyond to provide</p><p>them with resources, and is on call for their needs 24/7. This sounds like stellar job</p><p>performance, but Madison procrastinates other essential job responsibilities. She</p><p>puts off writing required notes in the clients’ charts after each interaction and</p><p>delays entering her billing, which is supposed to be done within forty-eight hours of</p><p>her client meetings, because these are tedious tasks and because she’s anxious</p><p>about making a mistake. She has over a month’s worth of paperwork to do, which</p><p>has resulted in her being given a written warning. Her anxiety and stress have</p><p>skyrocketed. The task has become so big and overwhelming that she can’t get</p><p>herself to even start. Madison has known for some time that she isn’t meeting her</p><p>employer’s standards</p><p>balance / Sharon Martin ; foreword by Julie de Azevedo Hanks.</p><p>Description: Oakland, CA : New Harbinger Publications, 2019. | Includes bibliographical references.</p><p>Identifiers: LCCN 2018031431 (print) | LCCN 2018033637 (ebook) | ISBN 9781684031542 (PDF</p><p>e-book) | ISBN 9781684031559 (ePub) | ISBN 9781684031535 (paperback)</p><p>Subjects: LCSH: Perfectionism (Personality trait) | Anxiety. | Self-actualization (Psychology) | Self-</p><p>esteem. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Anxieties & Phobias. | SELF-HELP / Personal Growth /</p><p>Self-Esteem.</p><p>Classification: LCC BF698.35.P47 (ebook) | LCC BF698.35.P47 M37 2019 (print) | DDC</p><p>155.2/32--dc23</p><p>LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018031431</p><p>20 19 18</p><p>10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 First Printing</p><p>http://www.newharbinger.com</p><p>Contents</p><p>Foreword v</p><p>Acknowledgments vii</p><p>Introduction 1</p><p>1 What Is Perfectionism? 5</p><p>2 What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 13</p><p>3 Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 33</p><p>4 From Fear to Courage 51</p><p>5 From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion 65</p><p>6 From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 87</p><p>7 From Busy to Mindfully Present 105</p><p>8 From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 131</p><p>9 From Anger to Peace 147</p><p>10 From Criticizing to Accepting Others 161</p><p>11 From Guilt to Self-Care 177</p><p>12 From Shame to Connection 191</p><p>13 Putting It All Together 203</p><p>Appendix A: Cognitive Distortions 215</p><p>Appendix B: Questions for Challenging Perfectionist Thinking 217</p><p>Appendix C: Feeling Words 219</p><p>Appendix D: Self-Care Activities 223</p><p>References 225</p><p>Foreword</p><p>In a culture obsessed with appearance and performance, it’s all too easy to fall into the trap of</p><p>perfectionism. I’ve personally fallen into this trap and have had to gain skills to overcome per-</p><p>fectionism, as have many of my clients during over two decades of clinical practice. Yet there are</p><p>few resources that tackle perfectionism specifically, and none that are so actionable and practical</p><p>as Sharon Martin’s book The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism.</p><p>Because Sharon and I work with similar clientele—highly motivated and gifted individuals</p><p>who find themselves feeling burdened, chronically unhappy, and emotionally drained—I was</p><p>excited to see what new insights and resources she would bring to the process of overcoming per-</p><p>fectionism. I’ve been looking for this kind of workbook for years!</p><p>Perfectionism manifests in people who want to excel, who care about their families, and who</p><p>work hard in their careers. As a licensed counselor, Sharon speaks with authority and wisdom, but</p><p>not pretension, offering exercises to walk you though each process step-by-step. I found her work</p><p>to be enlightening, as it makes use of both evidence-based strategies and real-life clinical examples</p><p>from her own career as a clinician.</p><p>Drawing upon relevant psychological subtopics (such as Brené Brown’s research on shame and</p><p>Kristin Neff ’s writings about self-compassion), Sharon explores perfectionism in depth: where it</p><p>stems from, what it looks like in action, how it negatively affects health and relationships, how it</p><p>can keep us from taking risks or moving forward, and most importantly, how to utilize proven</p><p>strategies to effectively manage it so that it doesn’t control us.</p><p>From a stylistic standpoint, I am impressed by the structure of this workbook. Each chapter in</p><p>the heart of the book serves as a bridge to move from a negative thought pattern or habit to a posi-</p><p>tive one (such as “From Busy to Mindfully Present” and “From Guilt to Self-Care”), which conveys</p><p>optimism and confidence that the reader really can reach a place of peace. And as the name indi-</p><p>cates, this is truly a workbook, complete with reflective questions and activities to help readers</p><p>apply the principles they learn to their actual life experiences.</p><p>Throughout the clinical examples given in the book, Sharon highlights the trend that indi-</p><p>viduals struggling with perfectionism initially believe that lowering their expectations or cutting</p><p>themselves slack in any way will be akin to failure. This echoes what I’ve seen in my own career</p><p>and life: sometimes we push back against the idea of letting go of the ideal because we assume it</p><p>vi The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>means surrendering to being mediocre, but in reality, the opposite is true. This book as a whole</p><p>helps illustrate how freeing ourselves from the stranglehold of perfectionism allows us to pursue</p><p>excellence. And perhaps most importantly, letting go of perfectionism means that we’re better able</p><p>to authentically connect with other people in a meaningful way.</p><p>If you struggle with not feeling good enough, if you want to break out of unhealthy thinking</p><p>errors and comparisons that hold you back, I highly recommend Sharon’s one-of-a-kind workbook</p><p>to teach you actionable steps to overcome the emotional plague of perfectionism and instead find</p><p>freedom, fulfillment, and connection.</p><p>—Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW</p><p>Author of The Assertiveness Guide For Women and The Burnout Cure</p><p>Owner and executive director of Wasatch Family Therapy</p><p>Acknowledgments</p><p>Bringing a book from idea to publication is quite an endeavor and certainly not something one</p><p>does alone. So I want to express my gratitude to everyone who has supported this project.</p><p>First, I’d like to thank New Harbinger Publications for the opportunity to write this book.</p><p>In particular, I’m grateful to the editorial staff, especially Ryan Buresh for his guidance throughout</p><p>the entire process and Erin Raber and Vicraj Gill for their feedback and support in organizing and</p><p>improving my writing. And special thanks to my copy editor, Jennifer Eastman, for helping to put</p><p>all the final details in place.</p><p>I also want to extend a huge thank you to Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD. In addition to gener-</p><p>ously writing the foreword to this book, Julie has been a mentor and role model. She’s an example</p><p>of a fellow social worker who’s improving people’s lives through her writing and work in the</p><p>media—things I never saw myself doing but now find so gratifying. Julie encouraged me to dream</p><p>bigger and take chances, giving me the final push to start writing my blog, Happily Imperfect,</p><p>which eventually led to my writing this book.</p><p>Thank you to my family, friends, and colleagues for their interest in and support of my writing.</p><p>I especially want to thank Michelle Farris for cheering me on every step of the way with her con-</p><p>sistently positive can-do attitude and Mari Lee for the perfect balance of encouragement and</p><p>accountability. And I’m grateful to my husband and children for their patience and giving me the</p><p>time and space to write.</p><p>And, lastly, thank you to my clients who are truly my greatest teachers. Having the privilege</p><p>of walking alongside them through life’s darkest moments has been an inspiration and continu-</p><p>ously reminds me of the power of the human spirit to overcome, grow, and change.</p><p>Introduction</p><p>Welcome to The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and the next step in your journey to overcome</p><p>perfectionism. Perhaps you picked up this book because you never seem to feel good</p><p>enough—no matter how hard you try or how much you accomplish, it’s never enough. Or</p><p>perhaps you’re physically and emotionally exhausted from trying to be everything to everyone. Or</p><p>you procrastinate or fail to try things because you’re afraid you won’t be able to do them perfectly.</p><p>Or maybe you’re tired of beating yourself up over every mistake.</p><p>In the beginning, perfectionism often feels like a strength, a way to accomplish great things,</p><p>be rewarded, and avoid criticism. But it also creates unnecessary stress and anxiety. It damages</p><p>your self-esteem and can leave you feeling disconnected and unworthy. Eventually, perfectionism</p><p>feels like more of a burden than an asset. If this has been your experience, and you’re ready to tame</p><p>your perfectionism and reclaim your life, this book can help!</p><p>The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>or her own expectations, which made her become frustrated</p><p>with herself. She sits at her computer and thinks, Just do it, you idiot. You’re going to</p><p>get fired if you don’t do your paperwork. This self-criticism initially got Madison to sit</p><p>down and start on the paperwork, but she found herself getting more discouraged</p><p>and self-critical and ultimately falling even further behind.</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 93</p><p>I can relate to Madison’s and Ty’s experiences with procrastination, and I imagine you can too.</p><p>Avoidance and procrastination are common strategies that perfectionists use to deal with over-</p><p>whelming and anxiety-provoking tasks. As a result, we miss out on opportunities, or we create</p><p>even more stress by not doing things that really need to be done.</p><p>How does procrastinating create more stress, overwhelm, and negative feelings for you?</p><p>Now that we’ve identified the problems caused by procrastination, let’s begin to change the</p><p>thinking patterns and behaviors that support procrastination.</p><p>Challenge Your Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>As we’ve discussed in previous chapters, our perfectionist thinking is based on inaccurate and dis-</p><p>torted beliefs and assumptions. We can learn to be more aware of how perfectionist thinking leads</p><p>to procrastination, challenge the underlying distortions, and replace them with more realistic ones.</p><p>This will help us reduce procrastination.</p><p>Reframe Negative Perceptions</p><p>The way we think about a task creates our feelings about it, and how we feel about the task</p><p>then leads us to either do it or procrastinate. Most likely you’re giving yourself negative, defeatist</p><p>messages about the tasks you’re avoiding without even realizing it. These messages may sound like</p><p>one of these:</p><p>• This is so hard. I can’t do this.</p><p>• I hate doing my taxes. I’m sure I’m doing them all wrong.</p><p>• I know I have to do this, but I really don’t want to—it’s just so boring.</p><p>94 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>This negative thinking contributes to procrastination, which, in turn, creates more negative</p><p>self-talk. We start beating ourselves up for not being productive or perfect, calling ourselves “lazy”</p><p>or a “failure,” which further decreases our motivation. We can’t possibly be our best selves and do</p><p>our best work when we call ourselves disparaging names.</p><p>We can get out of this negative cycle by shifting our thinking from focusing on the negative to</p><p>acknowledging the positives. This could sound like: This is a challenge, but I actually like learning</p><p>new things! or Taxes aren’t my favorite thing to do, but I know that I’m capable of figuring them out, and</p><p>it feels so good when they’re done.</p><p>Be on the lookout for these cues that you’re thinking negatively about a task, and add your own</p><p>cues to the list:</p><p>• It’s boring.</p><p>• It’s hard.</p><p>• I hate this.</p><p>• It’s not important.</p><p>• It will take too long.</p><p>• I don’t know how to do it.</p><p>• I might fail.</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>Now, practice cognitive reframing by completing the following table with the realistic or</p><p>encouraging self-talk statements you might use for your most common negative thoughts.</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 95</p><p>Negative self-talk Realistic or encouraging self-talk</p><p>I hate mowing the lawn. It only takes thirty minutes. It’s not that bad.</p><p>I can listen to music while I do it to make it go</p><p>by faster.</p><p>Look for Partial Successes</p><p>Procrastination can lead us to not starting or finishing things. If we procrastinate long enough,</p><p>it becomes impossible to do time-sensitive things like going to an exercise class or registering for</p><p>an event. Sometimes we use procrastination to get out of doing things we think are unpleasant. My</p><p>kids quickly figured out that if they procrastinate washing the dishes long enough, there’s a good</p><p>chance I’ll end up doing them!</p><p>It’s tempting to not start things when we think we can’t do them perfectly. This type of all-or-</p><p>nothing thinking makes it hard to see that often there is still a benefit in doing part of a task or</p><p>project or that some things don’t need to be done to exceptionally high standards. Let’s say I</p><p>96 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>decided to go to the gym every morning before work, but I dawdled too long over my morning</p><p>coffee, and now I don’t have time to go to the spin class that I like. If I let my perfectionist thinking</p><p>dictate, I’d say, “It’s too late now. I guess I can’t exercise today.” Alternatively, I could say, “Well, I</p><p>missed my spin class, but I could still go walking for twenty minutes before work.” My perfection-</p><p>ist self would be inclined to see this as a failure, because I didn’t meet my commitment to go to the</p><p>spin class and the walk wasn’t as good of a workout. A more compassionate and accepting way to</p><p>think about this—one that will keep me from falling into disappointment and procrastination in</p><p>the future—is as a partial success.</p><p>It’s very hard to motivate ourselves when we frame things only as “success” or “failure.” So</p><p>much of life is truly shades of gray. When we set unrealistic expectations and believe we are failures</p><p>(or lazy or stupid) when we don’t perform flawlessly, it’s easier to not do things at all. Going for a</p><p>short walk wasn’t my ideal workout, but it still provided me with health benefits. The same is true</p><p>for journaling, following a budget, meditating, healthy eating, and really any positive activity we’re</p><p>trying to do. In other words, we don’t have to do things perfectly for them to have value.</p><p>Here’s another example of a partial success. Madison set a goal to spend one extra hour at the</p><p>office every day to catch up on her paperwork, but she didn’t achieve this goal. She skipped one day</p><p>completely and worked on her paperwork for only forty minutes another day. Instead of consider-</p><p>ing this a failure, Madison could see it as a partial success, because the time she did put in allowed</p><p>her to complete the overdue paperwork for two of her clients. She now feels encouraged that she</p><p>can manage the paperwork and succeed at her job. She didn’t follow her plan perfectly, but there</p><p>was a positive result. Like Madison, when we measure by progress rather than perfection, we’re</p><p>more motivated and energized to continue. When we see every imperfection as a failure, we’re</p><p>more likely to give up.</p><p>What’s an example from your life of how doing some is better than doing none, as a</p><p>partial success?</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 97</p><p>In addition to challenging the perfectionist thinking that drives you to procrastinate, there are</p><p>strategies you can use to make the tasks you procrastinate on easier to handle. We’ll explore some</p><p>of these techniques in the next section.</p><p>Decrease Overwhelm, Increase Motivation</p><p>Now I’m going to share five strategies to decrease procrastination by lessening the feelings of over-</p><p>whelm that can stop you in your tracks and by increasing your motivation for the things you find</p><p>difficult: the five-minute rule, breaking tasks down, doing the hardest thing first, accepting</p><p>imperfection, and minimizing distractions. I encourage you to try each of the strategies over the</p><p>course of several weeks to see which ones are the most effective for you.</p><p>The Five-Minute Rule</p><p>Getting started is usually the hardest part of any task, but often the task isn’t as difficult,</p><p>unpleasant, or time-consuming as we’ve made it out to be in our minds. The five-minute rule</p><p>works by committing to do something for just five minutes—and then you can quit if you want. So</p><p>if you’ve got three boxes of old bank statements, bills, and taxes that you need to organize, just</p><p>commit yourself to working on it for five minutes today. Most things are tolerable for five minutes,</p><p>and psychologically, it’s much easier to motivate yourself for five minutes of filing than for five</p><p>hours. If you get some momentum and end up doing more, great! Often, things aren’t so bad once</p><p>we’ve gotten going; it’s just getting started that’s the hard part. And even if you</p><p>don’t continue,</p><p>you’ll still be five minutes ahead.</p><p>For the next few weeks, try the five-minute rule for some of the tasks you procrastinate</p><p>on. You can use this chart to help you determine whether the five-minute rule is a helpful</p><p>strategy for you. I encourage you to try it on several different tasks.</p><p>98 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Ta</p><p>sk</p><p>Ho</p><p>w</p><p>di</p><p>d</p><p>yo</p><p>u</p><p>fe</p><p>el</p><p>a</p><p>bo</p><p>ut</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>ta</p><p>sk</p><p>b</p><p>ef</p><p>or</p><p>e</p><p>yo</p><p>u</p><p>be</p><p>ga</p><p>n?</p><p>Ho</p><p>w</p><p>lo</p><p>ng</p><p>d</p><p>id</p><p>y</p><p>ou</p><p>ac</p><p>tu</p><p>al</p><p>ly</p><p>s</p><p>pe</p><p>nd</p><p>on</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>ta</p><p>sk</p><p>?</p><p>W</p><p>as</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>fiv</p><p>e-</p><p>m</p><p>in</p><p>ut</p><p>e</p><p>ru</p><p>le</p><p>h</p><p>el</p><p>pf</p><p>ul</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>et</p><p>tin</p><p>g</p><p>st</p><p>ar</p><p>te</p><p>d?</p><p>Ho</p><p>w</p><p>di</p><p>d</p><p>yo</p><p>u</p><p>fe</p><p>el</p><p>a</p><p>fte</p><p>r</p><p>wo</p><p>rk</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>on</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>ta</p><p>sk</p><p>fo</p><p>r a</p><p>t l</p><p>ea</p><p>st</p><p>fi</p><p>ve</p><p>m</p><p>in</p><p>ut</p><p>es</p><p>?</p><p>R</p><p>es</p><p>ea</p><p>rc</p><p>h</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>p</p><p>re</p><p>sc</p><p>h</p><p>o</p><p>o</p><p>ls</p><p>fo</p><p>r</p><p>m</p><p>y</p><p>so</p><p>n</p><p>.</p><p>O</p><p>ve</p><p>rw</p><p>h</p><p>el</p><p>m</p><p>ed</p><p>b</p><p>y</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>am</p><p>o</p><p>u</p><p>nt</p><p>o</p><p>f</p><p>w</p><p>o</p><p>rk</p><p>; a</p><p>n</p><p>xi</p><p>o</p><p>u</p><p>s</p><p>ab</p><p>o</p><p>ut</p><p>m</p><p>ak</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>t</p><p>h</p><p>e</p><p>ri</p><p>g</p><p>ht</p><p>ch</p><p>o</p><p>ic</p><p>e.</p><p>F</p><p>if</p><p>te</p><p>en</p><p>m</p><p>in</p><p>ut</p><p>es</p><p>.</p><p>Y</p><p>es</p><p>, k</p><p>n</p><p>o</p><p>w</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>I</p><p>co</p><p>u</p><p>ld</p><p>q</p><p>u</p><p>it</p><p>a</p><p>ft</p><p>er</p><p>f</p><p>iv</p><p>e</p><p>m</p><p>in</p><p>ut</p><p>es</p><p>to</p><p>o</p><p>k</p><p>so</p><p>m</p><p>e</p><p>o</p><p>f</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>p</p><p>re</p><p>ss</p><p>u</p><p>re</p><p>o</p><p>ff</p><p>.</p><p>I f</p><p>el</p><p>t</p><p>re</p><p>lie</p><p>ve</p><p>d</p><p>a</p><p>n</p><p>d</p><p>o</p><p>p</p><p>ti</p><p>m</p><p>is</p><p>ti</p><p>c.</p><p>I</p><p>g</p><p>o</p><p>t</p><p>o</p><p>rg</p><p>an</p><p>iz</p><p>ed</p><p>a</p><p>n</p><p>d</p><p>id</p><p>en</p><p>ti</p><p>fi</p><p>ed</p><p>a</p><p>c</p><p>o</p><p>u</p><p>p</p><p>le</p><p>sc</p><p>h</p><p>o</p><p>o</p><p>ls</p><p>t</p><p>o</p><p>c</p><p>al</p><p>l.</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 99</p><p>Break It Down</p><p>Breaking complex or large tasks into manageable pieces is a commonly used productivity strat-</p><p>egy that you probably already use. It’s much easier to do anything that takes sustained focus,</p><p>whether it’s finding a new job or composing a song, when you break it down into bite-sized pieces.</p><p>It’s also motivating to set goals that are achievable. It’s discouraging to see “get a new job” on your</p><p>list of goals week after week. By contrast, it’s hopeful and motivating when you see pieces of this</p><p>goal, such as “update resume” and “set up networking lunch with Helen,” crossed off your list. You</p><p>can use the exercise below, the Task Map, to break down a project. (For a downloadable version of</p><p>this worksheet, called “Task Map,” that you can use to break down any task, visit http://www</p><p>.newharbinger.com/41535.)</p><p>Try creating a visual map of the steps to accomplish your goal. For bigger projects, just</p><p>keep adding more tasks and sub-tasks. When you’re ready to begin, focus on just one</p><p>sub-task at a time.</p><p>Goal:</p><p>Task 1:</p><p>Task 1.1:</p><p>Task 1.2:</p><p>Task 2:</p><p>Task 2.1:</p><p>Task 2.2:</p><p>Task 3:</p><p>Task 3.1:</p><p>Task 3.2:</p><p>Do the Hardest Thing First</p><p>Most people are inclined to do the easiest thing on their to-do list first. There’s something very</p><p>satisfying about checking something off (no matter how small). So we make a beeline for the</p><p>quickest, easiest task, like reading and replying to e-mail, and do that first. However, this probably</p><p>100 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>isn’t our most important chore or task, so we can end up using our optimal energy and focus on</p><p>something that doesn’t require it and then potentially having less to give to our most challenging</p><p>or important projects.</p><p>The idea behind starting with the hardest thing is that you’re probably at your best—the most</p><p>focused and energized—early in the day or at the outset of a project. The more you put off the</p><p>hardest task, the harder it will seem, and the less likely you are to do it. Getting the most painful</p><p>tasks done first and ending the day with the easier or more enjoyable ones can also contribute to a</p><p>greater sense of happiness and success. If you’re unsure about applying this to your entire to-do list,</p><p>try using it for a multipart project, such as cleaning your house.</p><p>Look at your to-do list or write one below. Rank order the items from most challenging or</p><p>unpleasant to easiest or most enjoyable.</p><p>1.</p><p>2.</p><p>3.</p><p>4.</p><p>5.</p><p>6.</p><p>7.</p><p>8.</p><p>9.</p><p>10.</p><p>Once you have your ranked list, try using it to complete the tasks you hoped to finish.</p><p>Was it helpful to do the hardest things first? Notice whether doing the hardest things first</p><p>increased your productivity and satisfaction. Will this be a useful strategy for you?</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 101</p><p>Accept Imperfection</p><p>We can also decrease our feelings of overwhelm by reducing the pressure we put on ourselves</p><p>to be faultless. For many tasks, I find the mantra “done is better than perfect” helpful, because</p><p>often trying to do something perfectly means it doesn’t get done or I spend far too much time on a</p><p>task relative to its importance. I could wash and shine my car to perfection or edit a blog post end-</p><p>lessly, but it wouldn’t be a good use of my time, as neither of these things needs to be f lawless. It</p><p>can be hard to choose between done and perfect, because we really want both, but this is often not</p><p>realistic or practical. Ultimately, it’s more fulfilling to plan and host an imperfect graduation party</p><p>for your son than to not have one at all. It’s simply unrealistic to expect that you can get all the</p><p>moving parts of a party—decorations, tableware, invitations, food, and drinks—all put together</p><p>perfectly.</p><p>In the space below, come up with your own mantra to accept imperfection. You can try</p><p>adopting my mantra or write your own.</p><p>Once you have a mantra, you can reinforce it by writing it on some sticky notes you put around</p><p>your house, or you can make a screen saver for your computer or phone with the mantra promi-</p><p>nently displayed.</p><p>Certainly, telling yourself to let go and accept imperfection is one thing; actually doing this is</p><p>quite another. But we can apply a “good enough” standard to many tasks without any negative</p><p>consequences except our own initial discomfort, which will lessen the more we do it. We can move</p><p>toward accepting imperfection in small steps by intentionally leaving one piece of the task imper-</p><p>fect or undone. Another strategy is to set a timer for the amount of time that we’re willing to dedi-</p><p>cate to a task, and then, when the timer goes off, we stop. This prevents endless checking, fixing,</p><p>and redoing. I know I am guilty of rewriting e-mails and reloading the dishwasher, neither of</p><p>which is really a priority or good use of my time.</p><p>What tasks eat up your time unnecessarily due to checking, fixing, and redoing?</p><p>102 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Are there tasks or projects that you can apply “done is better than perfect” to? If you’re</p><p>not sure, ask yourself, Is it more important for this to be done or for it to be done perfectly?</p><p>What do you think would happen if you left things imperfect?</p><p>Minimize Distractions</p><p>Distractions are everywhere, especially when you have a challenging task at hand! Set yourself</p><p>up for success by making it as easy as possible to do the desired task and as hard as possible to</p><p>engage in other activities. The first step is to notice what distracts you and then create a plan to</p><p>avoid or minimize the distraction. For example, the Internet and e-mail are huge distractions for</p><p>me when I write. To deal with this, I put my phone in a drawer in another room so it takes a lot</p><p>more effort to play games and check social media than if it were sitting right next to me. My kids</p><p>are also a huge distraction, so sometimes I have to get out of the house and go to the library or my</p><p>office so I can concentrate.</p><p>What are your biggest distractions?</p><p>From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done 103</p><p>When are you most likely to fall prey to these distractions?</p><p>How can you make it hard to engage in these distracting activities?</p><p>Treat Yourself with Compassion</p><p>Being kind to yourself can also help you get things done. As we discussed in the last chapter, this</p><p>idea can be counterintuitive, because we’re used to thinking that cracking the whip and being</p><p>punitive is the way to get things done. In reality, self-criticism tends to discourage people rather</p><p>than motivate them. If we’re hard on ourselves every time we procrastinate, we’ll perpetuate avoid-</p><p>ance and a</p><p>negative self-image.</p><p>When we procrastinate, we often label ourselves “lazy,” “irresponsible,” or “disorganized” (or</p><p>other people call us these names). These types of negative labels become part of how we see our-</p><p>selves—our identity. These distorted beliefs, along with the negativity bias, mean that we’ll seek</p><p>out evidence to confirm that we’re lazy. For example, if you take a nap, you’re likely to see it as proof</p><p>of laziness rather than a normal and healthy response to having been up late the night before.</p><p>In this exercise, practice noticing your critical self-talk and the names you call yourself when</p><p>you procrastinate and then writing a compassionate response to try instead. Use the chart below to</p><p>record some examples that have come up recently.</p><p>104 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Event Criticism or label Compassionate response</p><p>I procrastinated mowing the</p><p>lawn, and now it’s too dark</p><p>to do it.</p><p>I’m lazy and worthless. Procrastination doesn’t make</p><p>me lazy or worthless. I worked</p><p>hard at work today, and I guess I</p><p>really needed a break. It’s more</p><p>realistic to plan to do it first</p><p>thing on Saturday.</p><p>If you find this process helpful, you can try it with other critical self-talk statements using the</p><p>worksheet called “Compassionate Responses to My Critical Self-Talk” available for download at</p><p>http://www.newharbinger.com/41535.</p><p>Summary</p><p>In this chapter, we explored how overwhelm, perfectionist thinking, and fear can contribute to</p><p>procrastination, and how we may miss out on opportunities, waste time, and increase stress, over-</p><p>whelm, and self-criticism when we procrastinate. The exercises in this chapter targeted ways to</p><p>challenge perfectionist thinking, decrease overwhelm, increase motivation, and use self-compas-</p><p>sion to ward off procrastination. In the next chapter, we’re going to look at productivity from a</p><p>different standpoint and consider how doing things with greater intention and mindfulness can</p><p>bring greater satisfaction and balance to our lives.</p><p>Chapter7</p><p>From Busy to</p><p>Mindfully Present</p><p>The relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to a jam-packed schedule and long hours of</p><p>work. In the extreme, this can cause some problems for us. Part of our journey away from</p><p>perfectionism is learning to slow down, mindfully choose our goals and commitments, and</p><p>create a more balanced life.</p><p>For many of us, being constantly busy and productive is how we feel needed and valued.</p><p>Busyness has become a status symbol, a measure of our worth. It’s hard to fight against our</p><p>core belief of being inadequate and the more-is-better mentality that pervades our culture</p><p>and tells us we should be helping more, working more, earning more, buying more, exercising</p><p>more, reading more, traveling more—doing more of everything and doing it effortlessly.</p><p>Unfortunately, we often end up exhausted, frustrated, and unfulfilled, because in reality, no</p><p>one can do it all. In this chapter and the next, we’re going to look at ways to give ourselves</p><p>permission to do less, ask for help, delegate, and set boundaries. We want to use our time and</p><p>energy on what matters most to us, so we’re going to start by getting an accurate picture of</p><p>how you spend your time and whether your schedule matches your goals and values. We will</p><p>then incorporate a mindfulness approach, which will help you identify your priorities and be</p><p>fully present in your own life, rather than distracted and distant.</p><p>106 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Are You Too Busy?</p><p>To get a better idea of what being overly busy and scheduled looks like, let’s look at Victor’s life, and</p><p>then we’ll do an exercise to identify how you’re spending your time and determine whether you’re</p><p>too busy.</p><p>Victor’sStory</p><p>Victor, a thirty-four-year-old accountant, is married and the father of two. He</p><p>commutes thirty-five miles each way to his job at a large, highly regarded</p><p>accounting firm. He uses his commute time to make phone calls and listen to the</p><p>financial news. Victor likes to be the first one to the office, usually arriving by seven.</p><p>Victor has proven himself to be an invaluable employee, and his boss has assigned</p><p>him to several large accounts. He’s often got meetings scheduled back-to-back all</p><p>day, leaving him no time for lunch unless he’s got a business lunch or catered</p><p>meeting at midday. He powers through with the help of energy drinks and vending</p><p>machine candy bars. Victor is often the last to leave the office. He says that he’s</p><p>trying to avoid the worst of the commuter traffic, but he often still has work to finish</p><p>and dozens of e-mails to reply to. When he arrives home, usually around eight, his</p><p>kids are heading to bed. He tucks them in, grabs some dinner, watches an hour of</p><p>television with his wife, and then turns his laptop back on and works until he falls</p><p>asleep—often on the couch.</p><p>As you can see, Victor’s got a full schedule. One might say he’s a workaholic—multitasking on</p><p>his way to work and putting in long hours at the office, only to come home and work some more.</p><p>He’s too busy to eat lunch and relies on caffeine and sugar to get him through the day. Victor’s</p><p>busyness is probably harming his health, due to his poor eating habits and lack of sleep and exer-</p><p>cise. He also has virtually no time for his family, friends, or hobbies.</p><p>Although what constitutes being “too” busy is subjective, there are some telltale signs that</p><p>you’re stretching yourself thin. Completing the checklist below will give you a sense of how many</p><p>signs of excess busyness you have. As you work out what’s right for you, you may also want to con-</p><p>sider your personality traits (such as whether you’re more introverted or extroverted), your energy</p><p>level, your health, and your lifestyle as these can impact how drained you feel by certain activities.</p><p>Signs you might be too busy:</p><p>� You’re always tired or routinely get less than seven hours of sleep.</p><p>� You regularly multitask so you can get more done.</p><p>� Your to-do list is never done.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 107</p><p>� If you’re raising children, they are involved in two or more activities (sports, dance,</p><p>music, and so forth).</p><p>� You feel overwhelmed, stressed, or anxious about how much you have to do.</p><p>� You rely on caffeine or other stimulants to get through the day.</p><p>� You have a complex system of calendars, lists, reminders, and charts in order to</p><p>keep track of all you have to do.</p><p>� Your calendar is full and sometimes double booked.</p><p>� You feel rushed.</p><p>� You feel tense or on edge.</p><p>� You skip meals, eat while doing other things, or eat on the go because you don’t</p><p>have time to prepare meals and sit down and enjoy your food.</p><p>� You don’t have time for basic self-care activities such as going to the dentist or</p><p>getting a haircut.</p><p>� You work on multiple goals or projects at the same time.</p><p>� You work nights and weekends.</p><p>� You feel uncomfortable when you have unscheduled time or nothing to do.</p><p>� You have a hard time saying no.</p><p>While there’s no standardized scoring for this busyness checklist, the more items you checked,</p><p>the busier your lifestyle tends to be. So, if you checked more than half of the items, this is a good</p><p>opportunity to pause and take a look at the costs of being so busy and whether slowing down would</p><p>offer greater relief and satisfaction.</p><p>How many items did you check off?           out of sixteen.</p><p>By completing the busyness checklist, did you gain any insights or notice anything new?</p><p>108 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>If busyness seems like a problem for you, the next step is to figure out exactly how you’re</p><p>spending your time. This will help you see the discrepancies between how you are spending your</p><p>time and how you want to be spending your time, and then you can make strategic changes toward</p><p>a schedule filled with meaningful activities at a pace that feels right for you.</p><p>How Are You Spending Your Time?</p><p>To get a more accurate picture of how you’re spending your time, I suggest doing a time audit,</p><p>a systematic way of tracking the time, duration, and type of activities throughout your day. It does</p><p>take a bit of time to complete, which can be tough if you’re schedule is already full, but I think</p><p>you’ll find it an invaluable tool for figuring out if you’re spending your time on what matters most</p><p>to you, especially if you checked off many of the signs of busyness in the last section. I recommend</p><p>doing the time audit for at least a week, because most of us have a different schedule every day of</p><p>the week. Once you’ve completed it, you’ll calculate the amount of time you devoted to each type</p><p>of activity to get a picture of how you’ve been spending your time—and whether that’s as you want</p><p>it to be. Here are the types of activities you should record as part of your time audit:</p><p>• time spent at work</p><p>• time spent driving or commuting</p><p>• family or household responsibilities</p><p>• time spent taking care of your social life or relationships</p><p>• your self-care</p><p>• the amount of time you sleep</p><p>• the time you devote to recreation or hobbies</p><p>• other obligations or commitments</p><p>For additional copies of this worksheet, called “Time Audit,” visit http://www.newharbinger</p><p>.com/41535.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 109</p><p>Time Audit</p><p>Date:</p><p>Start time–</p><p>end time</p><p>Activity Activity type Duration</p><p>(round to</p><p>nearest</p><p>quarter hour)</p><p>110 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>To</p><p>ta</p><p>l T</p><p>im</p><p>e</p><p>b</p><p>y</p><p>A</p><p>ct</p><p>iv</p><p>it</p><p>y</p><p>Ty</p><p>p</p><p>e</p><p>Su</p><p>n</p><p>M</p><p>on</p><p>Tu</p><p>es</p><p>W</p><p>ed</p><p>Th</p><p>ur</p><p>s</p><p>Fr</p><p>i</p><p>Sa</p><p>t</p><p>To</p><p>ta</p><p>l t</p><p>im</p><p>e</p><p>W</p><p>or</p><p>k</p><p>Dr</p><p>iv</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>or</p><p>co</p><p>m</p><p>m</p><p>ut</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>Fa</p><p>m</p><p>ily</p><p>o</p><p>r h</p><p>ou</p><p>se</p><p>ho</p><p>ld</p><p>re</p><p>sp</p><p>on</p><p>si</p><p>bi</p><p>lit</p><p>ie</p><p>s</p><p>So</p><p>ci</p><p>al</p><p>re</p><p>la</p><p>tio</p><p>ns</p><p>hi</p><p>ps</p><p>Se</p><p>lf-</p><p>ca</p><p>re</p><p>Sl</p><p>ee</p><p>p</p><p>Re</p><p>cr</p><p>ea</p><p>tio</p><p>n</p><p>or</p><p>ho</p><p>bb</p><p>ie</p><p>s</p><p>Ot</p><p>he</p><p>r o</p><p>bl</p><p>ig</p><p>at</p><p>io</p><p>ns</p><p>o</p><p>r</p><p>co</p><p>m</p><p>m</p><p>itm</p><p>en</p><p>ts</p><p>To</p><p>ta</p><p>l t</p><p>im</p><p>e</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 111</p><p>Once you have your data for the week, consider the questions below.</p><p>Which three categories consumed the majority of your time over the past week?</p><p>Are these the categories you want to take up your time? If not, why not?</p><p>Were any categories neglected or had very low totals? Are those categories important to</p><p>you?</p><p>What else stood out on your time audit?</p><p>112 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>How do you feel about the results? Were they surprising?</p><p>The Cost of Busyness</p><p>Being busy all the time can negatively impact our relationships and health and can lead to develop-</p><p>ing resentments, making mistakes, and not achieving our goals. It’s easy to take on work, commit-</p><p>ments, volunteer projects, and even hobbies that keep us busy but don’t align with our priorities.</p><p>Sometimes these were initially good uses of our time, but no longer suit our needs or priorities, and</p><p>other times, we may have accepted invitations or signed up for things when we knew we didn’t have</p><p>the time or inclination to do them.</p><p>The cost of busyness is especially high when our actions don’t match with our values—the core</p><p>beliefs and guiding principles that you aim to follow. Your values are the beliefs that you hold</p><p>strongly and that provide a foundation for your decisions and how you choose to live your life.</p><p>When our actions align with our values, we’re living authentically, and we feel whole and grounded.</p><p>In contrast, when our actions are out of sync with our values, we tend to feel disconnected and</p><p>uncertain. This was the case for Victor. When he completed his time audit, he was shocked to see</p><p>that he spent at least ninety hours per week working and commuting to work and only ten hours a</p><p>week doing meaningful activities with his family. Victor valued quality family time and loving</p><p>relationships, but he wasn’t prioritizing those in his life. As a result, he was perpetually unfulfilled</p><p>and looking to his career to satisfy him.</p><p>Might the same mismatch be at work in your life, thanks to your perfectionism? Now that</p><p>you’ve completed your time audit, let’s determine your values, so we can compare how you’re spend-</p><p>ing your time with what matters most to you.</p><p>Clarifying Your Values</p><p>Values can include our spiritual or religious beliefs, morals, personal and cultural values, and</p><p>political views. Some people have a clear sense of their values. And, as we’ve been discussing,</p><p>others have lost sight of their values over time or have gone through a period of questioning and</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 113</p><p>uncertainty about what they believe and what matters to them. Some haven’t really had the chance</p><p>to consider what their values are. Whatever your situation, the following questions will help to</p><p>clarify your values.</p><p>Start to identify your values by brainstorming for five to ten minutes about values that</p><p>might reflect who you are.</p><p>What makes you happiest?</p><p>114 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What do you stand for? What are you willing to speak up for or against?</p><p>What values were you taught as a child? Note which you believe in and which you’ve</p><p>rejected.</p><p>Which personal traits do you value in yourself and your mentors or heroes?</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 115</p><p>Which traits or values do you hope to instill in your children or grandchildren?</p><p>What couldn’t you live without?</p><p>What do you believe?</p><p>116 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Now, write down five to ten of your most important values.</p><p>Using your values, write a short personal mission statement that describes your purpose in</p><p>life and how you’d like to live.</p><p>Do Your Values and Actions Align?</p><p>The final piece to this equation is to determine whether your values and actions align. Are you</p><p>spending your time, energy, and money on what matters most to you, or is your schedule full of</p><p>misaligned activities that make you busy but don’t fulfill you? We can find out by comparing your</p><p>time audit and your values.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 117</p><p>What goals, values, or activities are most important to you? How much time do you</p><p>currently spend on these pursuits?</p><p>If your life was well aligned with your priorities, what would it look like? How would it be</p><p>different than it is today?</p><p>What changes would help you better sync your values and your activities?</p><p>Keep in mind that some people may find great fulfillment with a few small tweaks to their</p><p>schedule, while others need to completely overhaul their schedules in order to align their actions</p><p>118 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>and values. Whatever the level of change you’re contemplating, it can be made by breaking the</p><p>change down into small, manageable pieces.</p><p>Creating Balance</p><p>At this point, you may have identified some things that are keeping you busy but aren’t giving</p><p>you fulfillment. Making changes to your schedule and commitments can be hard, especially if you</p><p>like routine and predictability. But you don’t have to immediately resign from every committee</p><p>you’re on or start running marathons. You can start small and gradually work your way toward</p><p>long-term goals that reflect your priorities and values. I find that making small, incremental</p><p>changes are the most realistic. They also create less anxiety.</p><p>You can work toward creating more balance in your life fifteen minutes at a time. Let’s use</p><p>Victor as an example again. In addition to hard work, his values included family time and health.</p><p>He was putting very little time and effort into the latter two, and he realized he needed to make</p><p>some changes. I encouraged Victor to spend just fifteen minutes more per day with his family and</p><p>fifteen minutes doing something toward increasing his health. He chose to spend fifteen minutes</p><p>in the morning packing a healthy lunch and to come home from work fifteen minutes earlier to</p><p>read bedtime stories to his kids. Victor was still a long way from what most would consider a bal-</p><p>anced life, but these</p><p>were manageable changes that he could make now and continue to build on.</p><p>Using your values as a guide, what would you like to spend fifteen more minutes doing</p><p>today?</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 119</p><p>What are you willing to spend fifteen minutes less on in order to make this time?</p><p>In addition to choosing to spend our resources in ways that reflect our values, we also feel</p><p>greater enjoyment when we’re fully engaged in our activities. The secret to that is mindfulness.</p><p>What Is Mindfulness?</p><p>Mindfulness means being focused on the present and tuning in to all aspects of ourselves, our sur-</p><p>roundings, and our experiences. It’s focusing on the here and now, rather than being preoccupied</p><p>with the past or present. Sometimes, as perfectionists, we get so wrapped up in the daily grind, or</p><p>regrets or worries about how well we’re doing and whether it’s good enough, that we’re not fully</p><p>present in our own lives. When we’re mindful, we’re aware of what we’re doing, thinking, and</p><p>feeling; we’re not judging or criticizing ourselves, we’re just “being.”</p><p>We can use mindfulness principles to gain a greater appreciation for and enjoyment of all</p><p>aspects of our life. For example, when we eat mindfully, we smell the vanilla-scented aroma of a</p><p>freshly baked cookie, see the crispy edges and gooey chocolate chips, taste the sweetness, and feel</p><p>our teeth sink into the soft center. By contrast, when we eat mindlessly, we can easily eat several</p><p>cookies without appreciating them or even realizing how many we’ve eaten. For most of us, mind-</p><p>fulness requires slowing down so we can appreciate what’s right in front of us. Chronic stress and</p><p>busyness make it hard to be mindful. Most of us do a lot of things on autopilot—we do them</p><p>because we’ve always done them, without giving a lot of thought to how or what we’re doing.</p><p>Perhaps you mindlessly accept every invitation and request for help before thinking through</p><p>whether these are activities that you have the time and inclination to do. Mindfulness helps us to</p><p>pause before making a decision or taking action, so we can make choices that align with our values</p><p>and bring us the most satisfaction.</p><p>Now that we’ve discussed mindfulness in general, we’ll look at ways you can add mindfulness</p><p>to your everyday life and reap the benefits of more intentional decisions, a slower pace, and fuller</p><p>enjoyment of your experiences.</p><p>120 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Adding Mindfulness to Your Life</p><p>Adding mindfulness to our lives starts with an intention. You can begin by choosing a discrete</p><p>activity to practice mindfulness. Aim for something that takes five to ten minutes. You can choose</p><p>something like taking a shower, driving to work, or listening to your spouse.</p><p>I intend to mindfully today.</p><p>The goal is to give this activity your full attention. You may find it helpful to take a few slow,</p><p>deep breaths to calm yourself before and during the activity. Your mind will inevitably drift. This</p><p>is normal. When you notice your thoughts are elsewhere, simply bring your attention back to the</p><p>activity you are doing. After your mindfulness practice, you can note what you experienced.</p><p>Activity</p><p>Sample response: Walking to the coffee shop.</p><p>What was your sensory experience (sight, sound, smell, taste,</p><p>touch)?</p><p>Sample response: There were gray clouds. The wind was cold. It</p><p>was loud—lots of cars and people on the street. One woman smiled</p><p>at me. Most people didn’t make eye contact.</p><p>Tips for being mindful in</p><p>your everyday activities</p><p>� Do one thing at a</p><p>time.</p><p>� Use your five senses</p><p>to fully appreciate all</p><p>aspects of the</p><p>present.</p><p>� Notice how your body</p><p>feels.</p><p>� If your thoughts</p><p>wander, refocus on</p><p>the present.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 121</p><p>How did your body feel?</p><p>Sample response: I was clenching my fists and felt tense from the cold.</p><p>What were you thinking about during this activity? Did these thoughts distract you or</p><p>were you able to stay focused on your surroundings and the activity you were doing?</p><p>Sample response: Why didn’t I bring my coat? Tara seemed angry when I told her I needed to</p><p>get out. I don’t think she likes me. I need to buy my mom a birthday card.</p><p>Try adding more and more intentional mindfulness to your daily activities. I think you’ll notice</p><p>greater appreciation for the little things in life when you do. Some things are harder to do mind-</p><p>fully than others; don’t be discouraged if your mind wanders and you find it tough to stay focused</p><p>in the present. We refer to it as a “mindfulness practice” because it’s something we work at. It</p><p>doesn’t need to be done perfectly; and there is a benefit to adding even a modest amount of imper-</p><p>fect mindfulness to your life.</p><p>Noticing Your Feelings</p><p>We can also use mindfulness to tune in to our feelings. We perfectionists tend to be so busy</p><p>and distracted or so goal-focused that we don’t even notice our feelings. And other times, our feel-</p><p>ings are uncomfortable, like the ones about our shortcomings, mistakes, and inadequacies, that we</p><p>push them away so we don’t have to feel them. But feelings provide valuable information, and we</p><p>ultimately benefit from learning to tune in and listen to them. For example, when Victor started to</p><p>122 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>pay attention to his feelings, he noticed he was feeling resentful and exhausted. He was tempted to</p><p>just shrug it off and assume he was overreacting—his first thought was, It’s nothing. But Victor</p><p>knew that, instead, he could validate his feelings and be curious about them. He’s feeling angry and</p><p>exhausted for a reason. By asking himself some questions, he knew that he could get a better sense</p><p>of what these feelings were trying to tell him so that he could act accordingly. In this case, Victor</p><p>took that path, and his curiosity about his feelings helped him realize that he feels resentful of his</p><p>colleagues who seem to do far less work yet get the same bonuses and accolades. And he’s exhausted</p><p>by the long hours and stressful work situation. Victor can now use this information to help him</p><p>find solutions that will help him feel less angry and more rested.</p><p>To bring your feelings into greater awareness, you can practice checking in with yourself several</p><p>times a day. I recommend doing it morning, noon, and night. Pairing the check-in with mealtime</p><p>or bedtime makes it easier to remember, but you can choose whatever times work well for you. Just</p><p>try to keep them consistent and spread out over the course of the day. During each check-in, iden-</p><p>tify your feelings, notice where you experience the emotions in your body (many people find it</p><p>easier to notice physical manifestations of their feelings), explore why you’re feeling this way, and</p><p>practice acceptance. The purpose of this exercise is to increase awareness of feelings, not to try to</p><p>change them. There is a list of feeling words at the end of the book (appendix C) that can help you</p><p>identify a wide range of feelings.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 123</p><p>Da</p><p>te</p><p>Fe</p><p>el</p><p>in</p><p>gs</p><p>W</p><p>he</p><p>re</p><p>d</p><p>o</p><p>yo</p><p>u</p><p>fe</p><p>el</p><p>th</p><p>e</p><p>em</p><p>ot</p><p>io</p><p>n</p><p>in</p><p>y</p><p>ou</p><p>r b</p><p>od</p><p>y?</p><p>W</p><p>hy</p><p>m</p><p>ig</p><p>ht</p><p>y</p><p>ou</p><p>fe</p><p>el</p><p>th</p><p>is</p><p>wa</p><p>y?</p><p>Ac</p><p>ce</p><p>pt</p><p>y</p><p>ou</p><p>r f</p><p>ee</p><p>lin</p><p>gs</p><p>A</p><p>p</p><p>ri</p><p>l 1</p><p>2</p><p>W</p><p>o</p><p>rr</p><p>ie</p><p>d</p><p>S</p><p>to</p><p>m</p><p>ac</p><p>h</p><p>ac</p><p>h</p><p>e,</p><p>r</p><p>ap</p><p>id</p><p>h</p><p>ea</p><p>rt</p><p>b</p><p>ea</p><p>t</p><p>I’m</p><p>g</p><p>iv</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>a</p><p>n</p><p>im</p><p>p</p><p>o</p><p>rt</p><p>an</p><p>t</p><p>p</p><p>re</p><p>se</p><p>nt</p><p>at</p><p>io</p><p>n</p><p>at</p><p>w</p><p>o</p><p>rk</p><p>to</p><p>m</p><p>o</p><p>rr</p><p>o</p><p>w</p><p>.</p><p>It</p><p>’s</p><p>n</p><p>o</p><p>rm</p><p>al</p><p>t</p><p>o</p><p>f</p><p>ee</p><p>l w</p><p>o</p><p>rr</p><p>ie</p><p>d</p><p>a</p><p>b</p><p>o</p><p>ut</p><p>p</p><p>re</p><p>se</p><p>nt</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>in</p><p>f</p><p>ro</p><p>nt</p><p>o</p><p>f</p><p>a</p><p>b</p><p>ig</p><p>g</p><p>ro</p><p>u</p><p>p</p><p>.</p><p>Lo</p><p>ts</p><p>o</p><p>f</p><p>su</p><p>cc</p><p>es</p><p>sf</p><p>u</p><p>l m</p><p>o</p><p>vi</p><p>e</p><p>st</p><p>ar</p><p>s</p><p>g</p><p>et</p><p>st</p><p>ag</p><p>e</p><p>fr</p><p>ig</p><p>ht</p><p>. I</p><p>t</p><p>d</p><p>o</p><p>es</p><p>n’</p><p>t</p><p>m</p><p>ea</p><p>n</p><p>an</p><p>yt</p><p>h</p><p>in</p><p>g</p><p>’s</p><p>w</p><p>ro</p><p>ng</p><p>w</p><p>it</p><p>h</p><p>m</p><p>e.</p><p>124 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Mindful Decision Making</p><p>Perfectionist thinking can make decision making hard, because we feel like we need to make</p><p>the “right” decision all the time and don’t allow any room for errors. We get caught up in obsessive</p><p>thoughts</p><p>about all the things that can go wrong or ways we’ve messed up in the past. These types</p><p>of negative ruminations make it challenging to see all our options and evaluate them realistically.</p><p>Mindfulness can help us focus on the decision at hand with less worry about what’s happened in</p><p>the past or what might happen in the future.</p><p>In this chapter, we’re focusing on the decisions we make regarding how to spend our time and,</p><p>ultimately, what matters enough to make it onto our calendars. We don’t have to keep choosing</p><p>busyness because it’s what we’ve always done, and we can consciously consider all our options</p><p>without overthinking them. Mindfulness also helps to keep things in perspective, so we don’t</p><p>exaggerate the repercussions of a “bad” decision, for example. You can use the questions that follow</p><p>to help you mindfully consider whether to add something to your calendar or to-do list.</p><p>Think of an activity, goal, or commitment you have planned. How do you feel about it?</p><p>Is this activity, goal, or commitment in line with your values?</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 125</p><p>Whose goal is this? Is it important to you, or are you seeking recognition or trying to avoid</p><p>disappointing someone?</p><p>Will this activity bring you joy?</p><p>Are you responsible for doing this task? If yes, do you need to do it all yourself?</p><p>Can you ask for help or delegate some of it? If so, to whom?</p><p>For a “Mindful Decision Making” worksheet you can use to consider these questions for other</p><p>activities in your life, visit http://www.newharbinger.com/41535.</p><p>126 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>One Thing at a Time</p><p>Another way to slow down and be more mindful is to do one thing at a time. For those of us</p><p>with high standards, big goals, and long to-do lists, multitasking seems like a godsend.</p><p>When do you multitask? What activities do you do at the same time?</p><p>Unfortunately, multitasking’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It doesn’t actually help us get more</p><p>done. Our brains can only focus on one thing at a time, so when we multitask and try to make our</p><p>brains do to a number of things at once, the quality of our attention and work declines. Multitasking</p><p>gives us the illusion of efficiency, but in reality, we sometimes have to redo tasks, or we get them</p><p>done more slowly, because our attention is pulled in multiple directions. As we’ve discussed, mind-</p><p>fulness is the opposite of multitasking. Although it can seem slower, mindfulness helps us to work</p><p>more thoroughly, purposefully, and happily.</p><p>Even if you accept that multitasking isn’t efficient, it can be hard to break the habit. We have</p><p>essentially trained our brains to desire a high level of stimulation, so it feels strange and uncomfort-</p><p>able to do just one thing at a time. But trying to do one thing at a time is another way for us to slow</p><p>down, thoughtfully choose what we’re doing, and be more mindfully present.</p><p>Your goal doesn’t need to be to completely eliminate multitasking—that’s probably not realis-</p><p>tic. Instead, the goal is to choose mindfully when you’re multitasking and when you’re being fully</p><p>present. Again, these decisions will line up with your values. For example, if you’re trying to</p><p>connect with your family, you might refrain from using cell phones during dinner and on family</p><p>outings, but you might continue to listen to podcasts while running on the treadmill.</p><p>Let’s try “unitasking”—working on just one thing at a time. We’re going to again practice this</p><p>change in fifteen-minute intervals to allow you to get used to it gradually. Even this short amount</p><p>of time can make many people feel restless. Try to tolerate the discomfort for as long as you can,</p><p>but it’s okay to start with five or ten minutes and work your way up, if needed.</p><p>Choose one activity to do without multitasking. Set a timer for fifteen minutes, and do</p><p>only that activity—nothing else.</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 127</p><p>How did it feel to do one thing at a time?</p><p>What were you thinking?</p><p>Did you notice anything new or different?</p><p>Did you experience greater focus or enjoyment?</p><p>It’s okay if your answer to the last question was no. Increased focus and enjoyment may not</p><p>come right away. You may need to practice unitasking quite a few times before your nervous system</p><p>calms down and you find it feels good.</p><p>Gratitude</p><p>Gratitude is a simple but powerful mindfulness practice. It works by shifting our focus to what’s</p><p>good, beautiful, hopeful, and positive right at this moment. Gratitude helps us to appreciate the</p><p>128 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>small things in life that are easy to take for granted, like fresh, hot coffee in the morning or your</p><p>children laughing. Research has shown that gratitude contributes to better physical health, mental</p><p>health, self-esteem, and stronger connections to others (Emmons and McCullough 2003). We can</p><p>also use gratitude to look inward and acknowledge our internal strengths and resources—things</p><p>that, as perfectionists, we often discount. Perfectionists can also benefit from gratitude because it</p><p>draws our busy minds to the present and away from the worries, fears, self-doubt, and self-criticism</p><p>that so often plague us.</p><p>To begin a gratitude practice, I suggest writing down three to five things you’re grateful for</p><p>several times per week. You can start in the space provided and then you may want to continue with</p><p>a journal or notepad left at your bedside (or the worksheet, called “Gratitude Journal,” that’s avail-</p><p>able at http://www.newharbinger.com/41535).</p><p>Date I am grateful for…</p><p>From Busy to Mindfully Present 129</p><p>A fun alternative to a gratitude journal is to make a gratitude jar or box. Find an empty con-</p><p>tainer. If you’re so inclined, you can make it look pretty by decorating it with craft supplies. Several</p><p>times a week, write three to five things you’re grateful for on small slips of paper and put them into</p><p>the gratitude jar. Any time you’re feeling discouraged or unmotivated, you can take a few of your</p><p>gratitude slips from the jar and reread them to get a little happiness boost.</p><p>Gratitude has even more power when it’s expressed; both the giver and receiver feel the positive</p><p>effects (Seligman et al. 2005). Gratitude sets a positive tone for a family or workplace. So if you</p><p>express gratitude, those around you are more likely to do so too.</p><p>Whom in your life might you wish to express gratitude to? If you’re interested in taking your</p><p>gratitude practice further, use the chart below to plan out whom you’ll express gratitude to and for</p><p>what. Try writing and mailing a thank-you note to the people you list, or simply express your feel-</p><p>ings verbally.</p><p>Date Whom will you express gratitude</p><p>to today?</p><p>For?</p><p>130 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>For a more challenging gratitude practice, try being grateful for your imperfections!</p><p>How have your mistakes and imperfections helped you learn, grow, and become who you</p><p>are today?</p><p>Does answering this question change how you feel about those mistakes and</p><p>imperfections?</p><p>Summary</p><p>In this chapter, I asked you to consider whether you’re “too busy” doing things that don’t align with</p><p>your values and priorities to prove your worth. Mindfulness, in the form of using all our senses,</p><p>noticing our feelings, mindful decision making, and doing one thing at a time, can help us to slow</p><p>down and be more intentional in how we spend our time. When we practice letting go of commit-</p><p>ments and activities that don’t contribute to our goals or happiness, we find greater contentment</p><p>and balance. Gratitude is a practice that helps us move away from self-doubt and self-criticism and</p><p>focus on our strengths and the things that bring us joy, ultimately helping us to be physically and</p><p>emotionally healthier.</p><p>It’s not easy to stop doing things we’ve always done or to say no to people who are counting on</p><p>us, even when we know these activities aren’t serving</p><p>our own needs. In the next chapter, we will</p><p>work on ways to ask for what we need and set boundaries without feeling bad, even when other</p><p>people are displeased or disappointed.</p><p>Chapter8</p><p>From People-Pleasing</p><p>to Being Assertive</p><p>People-pleasing is another aspect of perfectionism that can cause stress, diminish our self-</p><p>worth, and squash our authentic selves. Our all-or-nothing thinking tells us that disappoint-</p><p>ing people means we aren’t perfect; we’re failures or inadequate. Wanting to please everyone</p><p>all the time is another unrealistic expectation that perfectionists have for themselves. We</p><p>want so much to be validated by others and to avoid conflicts, but it’s impossible to always</p><p>please others no matter how good we are and how hard we try. In this chapter, we will discuss</p><p>not only how people-pleasing is an unrealistic expectation but also why trying to be perfect</p><p>in other people’s eyes isn’t always good for us and how assertive communication skills can</p><p>help us be more authentic.</p><p>What Is People-Pleasing?</p><p>People-pleasing is a compelling need to do things to make other people happy, have them like</p><p>us, or to avoid conflict, even when doing so causes us problems. Because perfectionists doubt</p><p>their worth and abilities, they seek validation by trying to do the right thing, say the right</p><p>thing, looking perfect, and meeting others’ expectations. Lorenzo and Kate illustrate two</p><p>different ways that people-pleasing can manifest.</p><p>132 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Lorenzo’sStory</p><p>Lorenzo tries to keep everyone in his life happy. He grew up in a family that believed</p><p>children should be seen and not heard. He didn’t imagine that at forty-three years</p><p>old, he’d still be afraid to stand up to his opinionated father, but he is. Lorenzo</p><p>works for his father in their family business, which is a constant source of frustration.</p><p>Lorenzo has his own ideas about how to run the business, but he’s not empowered</p><p>to share his ideas or implement them. He feels guilty, but he’s counting the days</p><p>until his father retires so he can do things his own way. Lorenzo is also a loving</p><p>husband and father. He dotes on his children, indulging them in new video games</p><p>and sneakers, while he rarely spends money on himself. At home, Lorenzo defers to</p><p>his wife’s opinion. “Whatever you want, Honey” is his default answer to everything.</p><p>He thinks this response is a loving gesture, but it irritates his wife. “Don’t you have</p><p>an opinion about anything!” she complains. But Lorenzo doesn’t want to argue. He</p><p>just wants everyone to get along and be happy.</p><p>Kate’sStory</p><p>Kate is very sensitive to what people think of her. When a stranger in the coffee</p><p>shop rolled his eyes at Kate’s order, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d done</p><p>something wrong. The day before, her face had burned with embarrassment when</p><p>she held up the checkout line at the grocery store while the bagger went back to</p><p>get her a new carton of eggs. Why didn’t I check to make sure they weren’t cracked?</p><p>she scolded herself. She was sure the cashier, bagger, and everyone in line behind</p><p>her thought she was the biggest idiot of all time. Over the years, Kate has found</p><p>herself teaching summer school, leading a girl scout troop, fostering kittens, and</p><p>house-sitting for neighbors, all of which were kind and generous, but things she</p><p>detests. She didn’t want to let anyone down.</p><p>People-pleasers like Lorenzo and Kate derive some of their identity and self-worth from doing</p><p>things for others. It feels good to be a dependable, go-to person who can fix things and make</p><p>people feel better, but it also causes problems for us.</p><p>Isn’t Making People Happy a Good Thing?</p><p>Most of us were taught to be agreeable and charitable and to care about other people’s feelings and</p><p>help them out in times of need. These are wonderful qualities. The problem is that when our</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 133</p><p>self-worth is dependent on making people happy, we will repeatedly compromise our own needs to</p><p>please others, and we often care more about other people’s opinions and values than our own.</p><p>Perfectionists are prime candidates for people-pleasing because we seek external validation to</p><p>prove our worth. We tend to have doubts and insecurities that we’re trying to overcome by achiev-</p><p>ing more, being the best, looking impeccable, or doing the right thing. Our quest for perfection is</p><p>largely a quest to please others, because when others give us a stamp of approval, we feel like we</p><p>belong, like we’ve earned our place at the table.</p><p>Part of being and looking perfect is meeting other people’s expectations. Essentially, if others</p><p>are disappointed or displeased with us, we haven’t achieved our goal of perfection. We aren’t good</p><p>enough.</p><p>Our fears of failure, inadequacy, conflict, and rejection can keep us stuck and reluctant to take</p><p>chances and do new things. People-pleasing is another way that we try to manage these fears. We</p><p>think that if we do everything that’s expected of us, it will guarantee that others like us, need us,</p><p>and will stick around. We don’t really have any control over whether people reject or criticize us,</p><p>but being agreeable all the time gives us a much-desired sense of control and the illusion that we</p><p>will avoid disapproval and conflict. Let’s reflect on what people-pleasing looks like in your life and</p><p>whether it’s working well for you.</p><p>In what ways or situations do you silence your own opinions, ideas, wants, or needs?</p><p>What are the benefits of keeping your thoughts and opinions to yourself?</p><p>� You avoid conflict.</p><p>� You avoid rejection.</p><p>� You avoid embarrassment, guilt,</p><p>or shame.</p><p>� People like you.</p><p>� People count on you.</p><p>� You feel good about helping.</p><p>�</p><p>�</p><p>�</p><p>134 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>As you reflect on the list of the benefits of people-pleasing, you probably noticed that people-</p><p>pleasing allows you to “play it safe” or avoid anxiety provoking situations and feelings. People are</p><p>less likely to criticize you when you always agree with them or don’t put forth any original ideas or</p><p>work. On the other hand, there are some down sides to people-pleasing as well.</p><p>What are the drawbacks of keeping your thoughts, ideas, and opinions to yourself?</p><p>� You’re overcommitted and tired, because you don’t say no.</p><p>� You feel guilty when you do say no or disagree.</p><p>� You’re resentful when you take on things you don’t want to.</p><p>� You feel stressed.</p><p>� You don’t value yourself.</p><p>� People don’t respect you when you’re passive and don’t have your own opinions.</p><p>� Family and friends get frustrated when you don’t have opinions and ideas.</p><p>� People don’t really know you deeply.</p><p>� You miss out on opportunities or continue to do things you don’t like.</p><p>� You do things that go against your values (or fail to stand up for your values).</p><p>� You’re inconvenienced or financially strained as a result of putting other people’s</p><p>needs first.</p><p>� You feel like you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try.</p><p>� You feel like you’re missing out on your own life.</p><p>� You don’t ask for what you want or need.</p><p>� You’ve lost track of who you are, what you want, and what’s important to you.</p><p>� Other:</p><p>�</p><p>�</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 135</p><p>How do you think your life would be improved if you could be more authentic and</p><p>assertive?</p><p>People-pleasing tends to put all the importance on what other people want and diminishes our</p><p>own opinions and needs. As we’ve done with other perfectionist traits, we want to moderate our</p><p>desire to please others so that it includes taking care of and staying true to ourselves. It’s possible</p><p>to be both assertive and kind and to consider our own needs as well as those of others.</p><p>Learning to Be Assertive</p><p>People often confuse being assertive with being aggressive. They imagine being assertive as being</p><p>harsh, demanding, and self-serving. Naturally, that’s a turnoff, but it’s actually more aggressive</p><p>than assertive.</p><p>There are three basic styles of communication: passive, aggressive, and assertive. Passive com-</p><p>munication is the form most associated with people-pleasing. When we’re passive, we fail to</p><p>respond or speak up; we let others take the lead. For example, Lorenzo was passive with his father</p><p>and didn’t share his ideas or ask to make the changes he wanted in the business.</p><p>Aggressive communication doesn’t take other people into account. It essentially says, “My</p><p>opinions and needs are more important than yours, and I don’t care if I hurt or disrespect you in</p><p>order to get what I want.” Aggressive communication includes behaviors such as yelling, rude ges-</p><p>tures, threatening, intimidating, and imposing on someone’s personal space (standing too close).</p><p>Assertiveness is the middle ground between passive and aggressive. It’s direct, calm, and</p><p>respectful. It allows us to directly express our feelings in ways that don’t hurt or violate those of</p><p>others. Assertive communication increases the chances that our needs will be met. It also contrib-</p><p>utes to healthy, happy relationships, because it’s respectful.</p><p>Assertive communication is the gold standard—the way we all aspire to express ourselves. In</p><p>the next section, we’ll practice specific assertive communication skills.</p><p>136 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What Stands in Your Way of Being Assertive</p><p>Take a few minutes to identify the barriers you face in implementing assertive communication,</p><p>so we’ll know how to overcome them.</p><p>� Lack of practice: Effective communication is a set of skills, and if you never</p><p>learned assertive communication skills or had them modeled for you, you can’t</p><p>possibly know how to use them. Or you may have learned or read about the basics</p><p>of effective communication, but you haven’t had much practice. It’s always easier</p><p>to do what we’ve always done rather than try something that we’re not yet skilled</p><p>in.</p><p>� Not feeling worthy: When you believe your opinions, needs, or wants aren’t</p><p>important, it’s hard to feel motivated to stand up for them.</p><p>� Fear of hurting people’s feelings: If you pride yourself on being a “nice” person,</p><p>you may shy away from assertive communication because you’re afraid of</p><p>offending or hurting someone’s feelings.</p><p>� Wanting to keep the peace: Conflict is scary for a lot of us. Expressing yourself</p><p>might lead to a disagreement or an argument. It’s true that there’s a risk that</p><p>others will disagree with you or might be downright mean and hurtful. But the fear</p><p>of that hostility (or even actual hostility) is no reason to continue to bury your own</p><p>needs (later in this chapter, you’ll read more about letting go of other people’s</p><p>reactions and expectations).</p><p>� Fear of rejection: Rejection comes in many forms. Sometimes the threat of</p><p>rejection is stated outright (“I’m going to divorce you”) and sometimes it’s our</p><p>internal fears and insecurities based on cognitive distortions or past events. In</p><p>either case, a fear that someone will be so displeased with us that they’ll leave is a</p><p>powerful force in keeping us silent.</p><p>� Guilt: You feel like it’s wrong to say no or ask for what you need, and when you do,</p><p>you feel extremely guilty.</p><p>Practicing Assertive Communication Skills</p><p>Learning new skills always takes a significant amount of practice before we feel comfortable</p><p>and confident with them. Below are some of the basic skills for assertive communication. Try to</p><p>practice using them daily. To get started, practice them in safe, less conflictual situations and work</p><p>your way up to using them with more difficult people and issues.</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 137</p><p>The basic tenet of assertive communication is to express yourself clearly, calmly, and respect-</p><p>fully. It’s tempting to expect that others will know what we want or need without us having to ask.</p><p>Unfortunately, that’s a fantasy! We must speak up in a respectful way and share what’s going on</p><p>with us, which, of course, can be scary when our perfectionist thinking shows up.</p><p>What Do You Want?</p><p>In order to communicate effectively, we have to first know what we want to communicate.</p><p>Sometimes our feelings aren’t immediately obvious to us. In which case, we need to first pause and</p><p>figure out what it is we want to say. As we did in the Noticing Your Feelings exercise in chapter 7,</p><p>we can turn our attention inward and check in with ourselves to bring greater awareness to our</p><p>internal state. You can start with these simple questions.</p><p>How do I feel right now?</p><p>What do I need?</p><p>Getting Your Message Across</p><p>“I statements” are one of the simplest and most effective tools you can put in your assertive</p><p>communication toolkit. Beginning a sentence with “you” tends to feel blaming and accusatory,</p><p>which often leads to a defensive response. An “I statement” avoids this by using a basic formula:</p><p>“I feel                when .</p><p>And I’d like .”</p><p>Notice the difference in the statements below.</p><p>• You statement: You’re so inconsiderate. You’re late and didn’t bother to text me.</p><p>• I statement: I feel frustrated when you come home late without letting me know. I’d like you to</p><p>text me when you’re running late.</p><p>138 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Let’s practice with a couple of examples.</p><p>Maria’s neighbor had a loud party again last night—the second time this week. Maria has to</p><p>get up at five in the morning to go to work. She’s tired and frustrated at her neighbor’s</p><p>disregard.</p><p>You statement:</p><p>I statement:</p><p>Charlotte’s client hired her for eight hours of videography services. The contract clearly</p><p>stated that she charges 150 percent of her standard rate beyond eight hours. On the day</p><p>of the event, the client asked her to stay for two additional hours. Now the client refuses</p><p>to pay Charlotte for the overtime.</p><p>You statement:</p><p>I statement:</p><p>John’s mother calls him every day. She loves to tell him about all the happenings in her</p><p>small town—her neighbor planted peonies yesterday, her cat caught a mouse in the</p><p>garage, a new Starbucks is going in on the corner. John’s really not interested in most of it</p><p>and feels stressed out with his own busy schedule. He doesn’t know how to get his mom</p><p>off the phone.</p><p>You statement:</p><p>I statement:</p><p>In addition to using I statements, we should avoid generalizations such as always and never,</p><p>because they can trigger defensiveness, escalate tension, and shut down open communication.</p><p>They’re also rarely accurate. Notice how these statements feel with and without generalizations.</p><p>• “You always leave your dishes in the sink! Can you please put them in the dishwasher?”</p><p>• “I noticed you left your dishes in the sink. Can you please put them in the dishwasher?”</p><p>This simple change can increase the likelihood that your message will be well received.</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 139</p><p>Assertive communication is also direct. Using a lot of qualifiers or excuses can discount our</p><p>message and undermine our confidence. Compare the difference between these two statements:</p><p>• “I’m really sorry. I missed what you said. Sometimes I’m really slow. Can you repeat that?”</p><p>• “Can you repeat that?”</p><p>The explanations in the first example detract from your request and imply that there’s some-</p><p>thing wrong with you or you’re asking something unreasonable.</p><p>Let’s further practice differentiating passive, aggressive, and assertive communication with the</p><p>following exercise. Imagine your significant other asked you what you’d like for dinner. Identify</p><p>what you want and then practice writing a passive, aggressive, and assertive response. Here’s a</p><p>sample response to help you get started.</p><p>I want: I want something healthy, like a salad.</p><p>Passive: I don’t care; whatever you want is fine.</p><p>Aggressive: I already told you I’m eating healthy. Why are you always suggesting pizza or</p><p>burgers? You’re so inconsiderate!</p><p>Assertive: I’m trying to eat healthfully, so a salad would be great. I’d really appreciate it if you’d</p><p>pick up some spinach on your way home.</p><p>Try this exercise on your own: imagine that your boss has given you another huge project</p><p>when you’re already overworked.</p><p>I want:</p><p>Passive:</p><p>Aggressive:</p><p>Assertive:</p><p>Practicing these strategies will help you find assertive ways to communicate at work and at</p><p>home. As I said, it takes practice, and it isn’t easy at first. But like most things, it gets easier the</p><p>more you practice.</p><p>140 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Staying Calm, Cool, and Collected</p><p>When we’re assertive, we want to express our feelings but not let them overtake us; we can</p><p>deliver our message most effectively when we remain calm. So if you’re feeling angry or upset, it</p><p>helps to take a break, do something to intentionally calm your mind and body (such as journaling,</p><p>doing twenty jumping jacks, or deep breathing), and put your thoughts together before proceeding.</p><p>Otherwise, we run the risk of reverting to passivity or losing our tempers and becoming</p><p>aggressive.</p><p>Identify three things that help you calm down.</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>Writing a script is another strategy that you can use when you’re anticipating a difficult con-</p><p>versation or you’re feeling upset or overwhelmed. Writing down what we want to say helps us</p><p>clarify our main points, be direct but not accusatory, and process our feelings about the situation.</p><p>I’ve done this myself and found it very helpful. I don’t often follow the script verbatim, but taking</p><p>the time to write it down has helped me deliver my point of view more effectively when I’m feeling</p><p>stressed.</p><p>With a challenging situation in mind, write a script of what you want to say.</p><p>Owning Your Self-Worth</p><p>When we value ourselves and feel valued by others, it’s easier to be assertive. However, as we’ve</p><p>been discussing throughout this book, perfectionism is fueled by feelings of inadequacy—hence</p><p>the need to prove and perfect ourselves. Instead of focusing on our feelings of inadequacy as a</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 141</p><p>barrier to assertiveness, we can view assertiveness as a way to gain self-confidence and self-esteem.</p><p>In other words, we don’t have to wait until we feel completely confident and worthy to be assertive.</p><p>We can stretch ourselves a little bit beyond our comfort zone, and by practicing being more asser-</p><p>tive, we will come to feel more worthwhile.</p><p>Often our insecurities are based on things we were told as children; they’re old tapes that we</p><p>keep playing even though they aren’t accurate or helpful. Until we take the time to investigate</p><p>them, we believe these old tapes playing in our subconscious. They might sound like this: No one</p><p>cares what I think or I don’t want to say the wrong thing or If I’m honest about my feelings, she might get</p><p>mad. These thoughts are likely to perpetuate our perfectionism and passivity, because they rein-</p><p>force the concerns we have about what people will think of us and because they hinder our ability</p><p>to value our own thoughts and feelings and share them respectfully.</p><p>Think of a situation in which it’s hard for you to be assertive. Briefly describe the situation.</p><p>Now notice your feelings and self-talk, particularly around whether your opinions and</p><p>feelings matter or are worthy of being shared. What are you saying to yourself that may</p><p>be a barrier to assertiveness?</p><p>142 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Where do you think you got the notion that your feelings and needs are less important</p><p>than other people’s or that you should silence yourself in order to keep the peace?</p><p>Recognizing that these beliefs originated with other people can help you separate your own</p><p>beliefs from those of others. You don’t have to continue to accept what other people have told you</p><p>as fact. You can choose to develop your own beliefs about yourself and use them to direct your</p><p>actions.</p><p>Who gets to decide if your feelings and needs matter? Do you think they matter?</p><p>How does it feel to decide that you’re worthy regardless of what others say or think?</p><p>Owning your self-worth can be a powerful experience, especially if it’s new for you. How you</p><p>feel about yourself is something that you get to control. On the other hand, we can’t control how</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 143</p><p>other people will respond to our assertiveness. This is why letting go of the outcome is also an</p><p>important piece of our communication skills.</p><p>Letting Go of the Outcome</p><p>Sometimes people shy away from assertive communication because they’re afraid it will hurt</p><p>other people’s feelings or make them angry. Ironically, assertive communication will actually mini-</p><p>mize the chances of hurting others. But no matter how skilled we are at communicating, we can’t</p><p>control how others respond to our words and actions. If we speak up only when we’re guaranteed a</p><p>positive response, we end up minimizing and repressing a lot of our feelings and needs (which, as</p><p>we have seen, creates a whole host of problems). Instead, the solution is to lean into the uncertainty</p><p>and let go of the outcome. We can only do our best to deliver our message respectfully.</p><p>To help with this, I like to use a supportive mantra. Reading the mantra or saying it aloud</p><p>reinforces your intention to focus on what you can control, to value yourself, and not to worry or</p><p>fixate on the outcome. Try using this mantra or adapt it as needed to support your goals.</p><p>I am learning to be more assertive. I’m learning that it’s not my job to make everyone happy.</p><p>Being assertive is a way to honor my true self and be more authentic. When I hesitate, I will</p><p>remind myself that my feelings and needs matter. I deserve to express them regardless of what other</p><p>people think or how they react. I can only control myself, and I am choosing to let go of the outcome.</p><p>Releasing Guilt</p><p>Guilt is a familiar feeling for perfectionists; it’s the belief that you’ve done something wrong,</p><p>and it’s a common barrier to assertiveness. It works like this: Even though I’m busy, I feel like it</p><p>would be selfish (wrong) to tell my neighbor that I can’t babysit her son. So I don’t say anything</p><p>and do the babysitting, but I’m unhappy about it. Guilt prevented me from being assertive and</p><p>saying, “I’m sorry, but I’ve got a bunch of errands to run this afternoon, and I can’t help you out.”</p><p>We’re quick to assume that setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves, or displeasing someone</p><p>is wrong—we should never do it. This leaves us guilt-ridden whenever we assert ourselves or when</p><p>our needs conflict with someone else’s. We tend to prioritize other peoples’ needs above our own.</p><p>Ultimately, it’s impossible to please everyone all the time, and when we try, we end up unhappy and</p><p>stressed out.</p><p>It’s normal to care about what other people think. But one of the biggest people-pleasing traps</p><p>is to act as if everyone’s opinion matters equally. This leads us to try to please everyone rather than</p><p>being selective and building up a tolerance to some people being displeased with us. We don’t have</p><p>144 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>to stop caring what others think; we just want to be selective. We can reduce our feelings of guilt</p><p>by sorting out whose opinion really matters.</p><p>Make a list of the people whose opinions matter, whom you try to please, or whom you</p><p>might stay quiet around in order to avoid conflict. They can be people you know well or</p><p>strangers (in which case, you can write something like “people on the street” or</p><p>“waitress”). Think of people in all areas of your life.</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>Rank order the people on your list according to how much their opinion really matters to</p><p>you. For example, you might rank your spouse as number 1 (his or her opinion matters the</p><p>most), your best friend as number 2, your mother as number 3, and so on.</p><p>Do you have a close relationship with the people highly ranked on your list? Usually, the closer</p><p>the relationship, the more you value someone’s</p><p>opinion. However, many of us go out of our way to</p><p>please even the people at the bottom of the list, and this creates unnecessary guilt.</p><p>From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive 145</p><p>Brené Brown, PhD, describes it like this in her book Daring Greatly: “I carry a small sheet of</p><p>paper in my wallet that has written on it the names of people whose opinions of me matter… To</p><p>be on my list, you have to be what I call a ‘stretch-mark friend’—our connection has been stretched</p><p>and pulled so much that it’s become part of who we are, a second skin, and there are a few scars to</p><p>prove it… The important thing is not to discount the stretch-mark friends to gain the approval of</p><p>the strangers who are being mean and nasty or are too cool” (2012, 171).</p><p>As perfectionists, we’re trying to mold ourselves into someone other people want us to be, so</p><p>we’ll fit in or gain their approval, but most of these people haven’t earned the right to be on our list.</p><p>Often, we don’t even know them. But then, nevertheless, we feel guilty when we don’t meet their</p><p>expectations.</p><p>The other problem that we run into is holding ourselves to a higher standard than everyone</p><p>else. We think it’s wrong for us to do things that are perfectly okay for our friends and colleagues</p><p>to do.</p><p>Let’s explore the beliefs that can contribute to guilt by identifying three situations in which you</p><p>prioritize other people’s wants and needs and suppress your own, even when doing so causes you</p><p>harm (for example, you’re inconvenienced, it’s a financial strain, it contributes to exhaustion or</p><p>illness, it prevents you from tending to your needs, or it goes against your values). It could be</p><p>getting the wrong order at a restaurant and eating it anyway because you don’t want to be difficult</p><p>or finishing a proposal while on vacation because your boss wanted it done.</p><p>Situation 1:</p><p>Situation 2:</p><p>Situation 3:</p><p>Now imagine a friend were in the same situations. Would it be wrong for your friend to</p><p>speak up or ask for what they need in these situations?</p><p>146 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Are you holding yourself to a different standard? Is it helpful?</p><p>Try rewriting each situation to affirm that it’s okay for you to speak up even if others don’t like</p><p>it. This creates the basis for self-talk that supports being more assertive. Here’s an example: “It is</p><p>reasonable to ask for my meal to be remade if it’s not prepared as I ordered it. People do this all the</p><p>time, and it’s not being difficult.”</p><p>Situation 1:</p><p>Situation 2:</p><p>Situation 3:</p><p>Summary</p><p>On the surface, it seems like being agreeable and meeting expectations is a good thing, but as we’ve</p><p>discussed in this chapter, bending over backward to please others isn’t always in our own best inter-</p><p>est. When we silence ourselves in order to be validated, our needs go unnoticed and unmet.</p><p>Assertive communication allows us to respectfully ask for what we need and to be our imperfect</p><p>selves. Practicing assertive communication can improve our relationships as well as boost our self-</p><p>esteem and decrease feelings of guilt. When we don’t speak our truth and have our needs acknowl-</p><p>edged, we’re likely to grow resentful and angry. In the next chapter, we’ll learn to notice, accept,</p><p>and release our anger.</p><p>Chapter9</p><p>From Anger to Peace</p><p>Anger doesn’t fit into most people’s vision of being perfect. If we were perfect, we’d be happy</p><p>all the time, do things effortlessly, and be even tempered and satisfied with ourselves and</p><p>others at all times. This isn’t anybody’s reality. We all have a complex array of feelings, and</p><p>they all serve a purpose—even anger. In this chapter, you’ll gain a greater understanding of</p><p>what anger is and what purpose it serves. You will practice noticing the physical signs of</p><p>anger and how your perfectionist thoughts and expectations contribute to anger. And, finally,</p><p>you’ll learn several strategies to help you transform your anger, release perfectionism, and feel</p><p>at peace.</p><p>What Is Anger and Why Does It Matter?</p><p>Anger is a normal and important feeling. Feelings aren’t “good” or “bad”; they all have a</p><p>purpose. So feeling angry doesn’t mean you’re a bad, mean, or f lawed person.</p><p>Anger is sometimes thought to be bad or wrong because it’s confused with aggression or</p><p>violence. Anger is a feeling, and often it’s letting us know that we’ve been hurt, wronged, or</p><p>mistreated. Aggression and violence, on the other hand, are actions that may be expressions</p><p>of anger, but we don’t have to act in ways that hurt us or others when we’re angry.</p><p>148 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Sometimes we’re angry at others because they haven’t lived up to our expectations, and some-</p><p>times we’re angry at ourselves for the same reason. We also might feel angry at people in our lives</p><p>who expect us to be perfect. As Rachel and Vivian show in the following examples, anger can</p><p>provide us with important information that something is wrong.</p><p>Rachel’sStory</p><p>In addition to working four nights a week as an emergency room nurse, Rachel</p><p>cooks all her family’s meals, washes the dishes, does the laundry, and cleans the</p><p>house. No one offers to help. Rachel feels unappreciated but doesn’t ask for help.</p><p>Day after day, her anger builds until one day she lashes out at her family—yelling,</p><p>crying, and vowing to go on strike to teach them all a lesson. Rachel’s anger was</p><p>letting her know she felt unappreciated. Anger was a cue that she needed to speak</p><p>up and ask for help.</p><p>Vivian’sStory</p><p>Vivian’s anger, on the other hand, is directed at herself. Her supervisor suggested</p><p>that she apply for an exciting opportunity in the company’s Paris office. Vivian had</p><p>always wanted to live in Europe, and this job would also include a big promotion</p><p>and raise. But Vivian didn’t get the job. She’s sure she came across as arrogant and</p><p>overconfident in the interview and can’t stop replaying the interview in her head.</p><p>Her anger might be telling her she’s disappointed, hurt, or feeling unworthy.</p><p>It’s tempting to ignore anger. It’s a difficult emotion to navigate, one that’s generally not</p><p>socially acceptable to express (especially for women), and it goes against our desire to be perfect.</p><p>However, anger doesn’t go away when we ignore it. Suppressed anger accumulates until it reaches</p><p>a breaking point, and then it reveals itself, sometimes dramatically. It shows up as health problems</p><p>like headaches or insomnia, we explode with yelling or physical aggression, or we behave in pas-</p><p>sive-aggressive ways, such as “forgetting” to do something. Suppressed anger can also contribute to</p><p>depression and anxiety. It’s important for our physical and emotional health to learn to notice and</p><p>cope with anger in healthy ways.</p><p>Noticing Anger</p><p>Low levels of anger, the small annoyances and frustrations of everyday life, often go unnoticed,</p><p>because we aren’t tuned in to our feelings or we’re trying to deny feeling angry. We often think that</p><p>it’s wrong to be angry and that we shouldn’t be irritated by things; we should be able to let them go</p><p>From Anger to Peace 149</p><p>effortlessly. Unfortunately, “let it go” has become synonymous with “ignore it.” We pretend it’s not</p><p>bothering us, which is precisely what we don’t want to do. Truly letting go of anger is an active</p><p>process and does take effort. It helps to start recognizing different amounts or types of anger.</p><p>What are some words that you use to describe being slightly angry?</p><p>Being moderately angry?</p><p>Being really, really angry?</p><p>High levels of anger are obvious to most people. It’s the low levels that we often miss. That’s</p><p>why we want to tune in to that first group of words and begin to notice anger as it brews. We can</p><p>think of anger as drops of water falling into a cup. Over time, small experiences of anger fill the</p><p>cup, and it reaches the brim. Although it’s more likely that your cup is being filled by a series of</p><p>small drops over the course of days or weeks, it’s also</p><p>is about change, about keeping what works, modifying</p><p>what doesn’t, finding balance, creating meaningful relationships, and realizing that while hard</p><p>work and achievements matter, they aren’t always what matters most. My goal in writing this</p><p>workbook is for you to find growth, not failure, in your mistakes and to be able to accept, not hate,</p><p>your f laws. Overcoming perfectionism is a challenging process, but one that can bring greater joy</p><p>and fulfillment to all areas of your life—family life, work and job satisfaction, friendships, and</p><p>physical and mental health.</p><p>About This Book</p><p>This workbook is designed to help you understand the root causes of your perfectionism and</p><p>provide you with practical tools for moderating your perfectionist tendencies. In chapters 1 and 2,</p><p>you’ll learn more about what constitutes perfectionism, how it causes problems in your daily life,</p><p>and how to identify the particular ways that it shows up in your life. Chapter 3 explores how your</p><p>childhood, especially how you were parented, led to the development of your perfectionist traits.</p><p>In chapters 4 through 12, you’ll target specific aspects of perfectionism—fear, self-criticism, pro-</p><p>crastination, busyness, people-pleasing, anger, criticism of others, guilt, and shame—and work on</p><p>2 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>exercises to help you change your perfectionist thoughts and actions in these areas. And chapter 13</p><p>concludes with strategies for staying motivated and maintaining the changes you’ve made.</p><p>I developed the exercises in this book over the course of twenty years as a psychotherapist and</p><p>through my own efforts to overcome perfectionism. For me, learning how to change began with</p><p>understanding the connection between my thoughts, feelings, and actions. It also included learn-</p><p>ing how to slow down, take better care of myself, and be kinder to myself. And as I shared these</p><p>strategies with my clients, they found relief in them as well.</p><p>Many of the exercises in this book are based on the ideas of cognitive behavioral therapy</p><p>(CBT), which explains how our thoughts influence our feelings and behaviors. You will learn how</p><p>to intercept your rigid thoughts about success and failure; your exceptionally high expectations;</p><p>your feelings of inadequacy, fear, and shame; and your perfectionist behaviors, such as procrasti-</p><p>nating, overworking, and criticizing.</p><p>In addition to CBT, this book uses concepts of mindfulness and self-compassion. Mindfulness</p><p>can help you tune in to the present, so you can thoughtfully make choices that reflect your true</p><p>values and desires rather than overextending yourself due to people-pleasing and goal-oriented,</p><p>achievement-driven pursuits intended to prove your worth. And self-compassion is a powerful way</p><p>to combat self-criticism and learn to accept yourself just as you are.</p><p>How to Use This Workbook</p><p>The concepts and exercises in this book build upon each other, so it will make the most sense to</p><p>start at the beginning and work your way through the book in the order in which it’s laid out. Some</p><p>chapters may speak more to your struggles than others, but most people will find some useful</p><p>takeaways in every chapter. So I recommend trying all of the exercises at least once before deciding</p><p>if they’re helpful for you.</p><p>Practice</p><p>There isn’t a quick fix for perfectionism; practice is key to making any type of lasting, mean-</p><p>ingful change, and overcoming perfectionism is no different. Although some of the exercises in</p><p>this book may result in immediate change or relief, many will need to be repeated multiple times</p><p>to bring about the results you’re looking for. For this reason, additional copies of some of the exer-</p><p>cises can be printed from http://www.newharbinger.com/41535, so you can easily repeat them.</p><p>Introduction 3</p><p>Allow Imperfection</p><p>Especially in the beginning, you may have a strong desire to answer the questions “correctly”</p><p>or do the exercises perfectly, or feel pressure to understand all the concepts immediately. This isn’t</p><p>necessary. There are no grades or judgments. Instead, this is your opportunity to embrace your</p><p>imperfections and learn to recognize them as a natural part of the human experience, not as short-</p><p>comings. The exercises should be challenging; this is how you grow and change. So try to allow</p><p>yourself to do them imperfectly and learn by making mistakes. There’s also no rush to finish this</p><p>book. In fact, a slower pace can be quite useful, as it allows the ideas you learn to marinate and</p><p>gradually become incorporated into your thoughts and actions.</p><p>Working with a Therapist</p><p>You can complete this workbook on your own or as an extension of your work with a therapist.</p><p>Difficult feelings may come up as you work through this book. This is normal, and bringing emo-</p><p>tions to the surface, so you can address them, can be an important part of the change process.</p><p>However, if you experience increased symptoms of depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, or an</p><p>eating disorder, or if you feel overwhelmed, please consult with a mental health or medical profes-</p><p>sional immediately. A therapist can offer support and help tailor the exercises to your needs and</p><p>assist you with other interventions, if needed.</p><p>Chapter1</p><p>What Is Perfectionism?</p><p>Perfectionism can be confusing; it affects different people in different ways. But what we all</p><p>have in common is that perfectionism can get in the way of living our lives to the fullest. It is</p><p>the quest to be perfect or without f laws. It means we set impossibly high standards for our-</p><p>selves and sometimes for others, and we believe that we should achieve our goals effortlessly</p><p>and never make mistakes, have f laws, or be disagreeable. We consider anything less than</p><p>perfect unacceptable and feel distressed when people (ourselves and others) don’t live up to</p><p>our expectations. But because our standards are unrealistic and unattainable, even with hard</p><p>work, perfectionism is a losing proposition. It ultimately makes us feel worse rather than</p><p>better.</p><p>In this chapter, we’ll be looking at some of the most important aspects of perfectionism</p><p>in order to understand it better, and we’ll look at the different ways perfectionism shows up</p><p>in people’s lives.</p><p>Understanding Perfectionism</p><p>Perfectionism—the drive to achieve more, be more, and prove ourselves—can be so compel-</p><p>ling that we feel driven to go, go, go. We can’t stop. Loosening up or not pursuing perfection</p><p>doesn’t feel like an option, even when it’s costing us dearly. This is the case for Laurie and</p><p>6 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Jeremy. As you’ll see in their stories that follow, their lives are different, but they share a relentless</p><p>pursuit of perfection.</p><p>Laurie’sStory</p><p>Laurie’s a middle-aged mother of three. She jokingly says she should have been a</p><p>firefighter, because she’s always putting out fires. Laurie’s tightly wound and</p><p>competitive, and she demands a lot of herself and everyone around her—a true type</p><p>A personality. She always seems to have a million things to do and lives with her</p><p>phone implanted in one hand and her day planner in the other. Laurie’s plagued with</p><p>insomnia and feels like she can’t “turn off her mind.” Even when she’s awake, she</p><p>can’t seem to relax. Her husband just wants her to sit through an entire movie with</p><p>him without getting up to wash the last of the dishes or check her e-mail. Laurie</p><p>never seems to do just one thing at a time. In fact, the only time Laurie slows down</p><p>is when she’s got an excruciating migraine, which seems to be happening more and</p><p>more as she adds more commitments to her to-do list.</p><p>Jeremy’sStory</p><p>Jeremy, thirty years old, is a doctor at a prestigious teaching hospital. By outward</p><p>appearances, he’s successful, but he feels miserable. His parents pushed him toward</p><p>a career in medicine, while he had dreams of becoming a musician. Jeremy had</p><p>played trumpet in the high school jazz band, and he’d excelled, as he did at</p><p>everything he did. He was an excellent student, but that</p><p>possible for one situation to fill your cup in</p><p>one fell swoop. Just like a cup of water, if we never pour any of our anger out, it will eventually fill</p><p>up and spill over the top. The anger spilling out often takes the form of yelling, slamming the door,</p><p>and cursing, or at least mumbling under our breath, which aren’t healthy or effective ways to deal</p><p>with anger. Sometimes our reactions catch us off guard; we didn’t realize we were this angry,</p><p>because we missed the warning signs. The fuller the cup gets, the harder it becomes to empty it in</p><p>a healthy way.</p><p>150 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What are some things that fill your cup with anger?</p><p>Physical Signs of Anger</p><p>In addition to paying attention to the things that trigger our anger, we want to pay attention</p><p>to our bodies and try to notice the physical sensations that tell us anger is building.</p><p>Which of these physical signs of anger do you experience?</p><p>� rapid heart rate</p><p>� butterflies in your stomach</p><p>� clenched fists</p><p>� headache</p><p>� muscle tension</p><p>� warm or hot face</p><p>� sweating</p><p>� tightening in the jaw, clenching teeth</p><p>� trembling</p><p>� pacing</p><p>� crying</p><p>� fatigue</p><p>� insomnia</p><p>� isolating</p><p>Thoughts That Contribute to Anger</p><p>Our perfectionist thinking can also contribute to feeling angry and be a cue to help us notice</p><p>our feelings. At the beginning of the chapter, I told you about Rachel, whose anger grew out of</p><p>feeling overworked and unappreciated. Below are some of Rachel’s thoughts. They are focused on</p><p>the negatives and contain absolutes (nobody, only, always) and unmet expectations that fuel her</p><p>anger.</p><p>• Nobody notices how much work I do.</p><p>From Anger to Peace 151</p><p>• I’m the only one who cleans the house.</p><p>• My family is a bunch of lazy slobs.</p><p>• A good mother cooks for her family.</p><p>• The house should always be clean.</p><p>• Carl [her husband] and the kids always leave soap on the dishes.</p><p>Rachel’s anger serves an important purpose in letting her know that something needs to change</p><p>in the division of labor in her family, but it is hard for her to identify what she needs and to ask for</p><p>it assertively when she’s this angry. Noticing perfectionist thoughts that increase our anger and</p><p>modifying them can help us communicate more effectively and improve our relationships with</p><p>others and ourselves. Your perfectionist thoughts might include a variety of things:</p><p>• I should always have the right answer.</p><p>• I should never hurt people’s feelings.</p><p>• I should always eat healthfully.</p><p>• I should excel at everything.</p><p>• I should know what to do.</p><p>• I should achieve all my goals.</p><p>• I should never make a mistake.</p><p>• I should never be late or forgetful.</p><p>• My spouse should be affectionate.</p><p>• Life should be fair.</p><p>• Children should respect their parents.</p><p>• People who work hard deserve to be successful.</p><p>These perfectionist thoughts reflect expectations that we have for ourselves or other people. It</p><p>can be helpful to conceptualize anger as resulting from unmet expectations. So recognizing your</p><p>expectations (especially those that are repeatedly unmet) can help you recognize your anger.</p><p>152 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Using the list of things that fill up your cup with anger, identify your expectations and</p><p>underlying assumptions.</p><p>Anger trigger Expectation Assumption</p><p>My wife overdrew the</p><p>checking account.</p><p>I expect her to stick to our</p><p>budget.</p><p>She doesn’t care about our</p><p>finances and is more</p><p>interested in what she wants</p><p>than our shared goals.</p><p>Noticing unmet expectations is also helpful because we can change our expectations.</p><p>Understandably, most perfectionists don’t like the idea of lowering or changing their standards. For</p><p>so long, we’ve prided ourselves and pushed ourselves and others based on them. But many of them</p><p>are unrealistic and cause us emotional pain. Choosing to lower our expectations isn’t defeat or</p><p>failure, it’s choosing to be happier. It increases the chances that our expectations and standards will</p><p>be met, and we’ll experience greater satisfaction and peace and less anger and frustration. In the</p><p>next exercise, you will reframe your expectations so they are more attainable.</p><p>From Anger to Peace 153</p><p>Try to eliminate all-or-nothing thinking (words such as never, always, all, every, success,</p><p>failure, good, bad) and should statements (words such as should, must, ought).</p><p>Current expectation More realistic expectation</p><p>I expect myself to eat clean all the time. I expect myself to eat healthfully most of the</p><p>time, but I realize my diet doesn’t have to be</p><p>perfect to be healthy.</p><p>Daily Tracking</p><p>Tracking is another valuable strategy. Keeping track of something in an organized fashion</p><p>brings awareness and accountability. It’s especially helpful with anger, because anger often builds</p><p>over hours or days. Anger, like most things, is easiest to deal with when it’s an irritation rather than</p><p>a full-f ledged rage. Rating and tracking your anger can help you manage it proactively by noticing</p><p>it and reducing it before it reaches the point of no return.</p><p>154 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>I use a simple rating scale of 0 to 10. I suggest rating your anger twice a day (morning and</p><p>night). You can add a midday check-in if you find it helpful. Simply record it on the chart below,</p><p>your calendar, or a note-taking app. If you’re doing the Noticing Your Feelings exercise in chapter</p><p>7, you can easily incorporate anger tracking by paying particular attention to any feelings that are</p><p>associated with anger (frustrated, irritated, annoyed, furious) and rating them on a ten-point scale.</p><p>Note your level of anger and what is causing it.</p><p>Date Morning anger level (0–10)</p><p>What’scontributingtothislevel</p><p>ofanger?</p><p>Evening anger level (0–10)</p><p>What’scontributingtothislevel</p><p>ofanger?</p><p>From Anger to Peace 155</p><p>Transforming Your Anger</p><p>While anger is useful, we don’t want to stew in it or let it build. There are many ways to decrease</p><p>our anger. You may need to try a variety of strategies to find what works for you and is realistic for</p><p>your lifestyle. It’s good to have different strategies for different circumstances. Obviously, you can’t</p><p>take a hot bath in the middle of the workday, but it might be great on Saturday night.</p><p>Write About It</p><p>Writing or journaling is one of my favorite therapeutic strategies, because it’s quick, effective,</p><p>and can be done almost anywhere. And writing is a safe way to unload your feelings. It allows you</p><p>to vent about anything that’s irritating you without negative consequences; no one will know what</p><p>you’re writing or tell you that your feelings are wrong or be hurt or offended. In addition, writing</p><p>can help you process and sort through your thoughts and feelings. Writing often leads to greater</p><p>clarity and new insights, which can be helpful in seeing things from a different perspective or</p><p>helping you make decisions.</p><p>Writing can be done in a formal journal, but it doesn’t have to be. You can get the same benefits</p><p>from using a journaling app on your phone, keeping a small notebook in your pocket or bag, or</p><p>even jotting notes on a scrap of paper. Some people find it’s useful to keep their writing and reread</p><p>it at a later time. However, there’s no need to save it if you prefer not to. Feel free to tear up or shred</p><p>the papers or delete the computer files.</p><p>Keep in mind that the purpose of this writing is to help you recognize, clarify, and release your</p><p>anger. It doesn’t need to be neat, organized, or spell checked. You can simply write it as a stream of</p><p>consciousness. If you have a hard time getting started, use some of the questions below, which</p><p>incorporate some of the concepts from this chapter.</p><p>When did you first notice that you’re feeling angry?</p><p>Describe how your anger feels in your body.</p><p>156 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What feelings other than anger are you experiencing?</p><p>What do you think contributed to your feelings of anger?</p><p>Do you notice any unmet or unrealistic expectations that</p><p>are contributing to your anger</p><p>or stress?</p><p>What options do you see for resolving this issue?</p><p>What would make you feel better?</p><p>Talk It Out</p><p>Like writing, talking can have a cathartic effect. Talking about our feelings also offers added</p><p>benefits when our anger is met with validation, reassurance, or hope from another person. When</p><p>talking about anger (or any sensitive feeling or issue), it’s important to choose a supportive person</p><p>who can tolerate strong emotions and listen without judgment or offering unwanted advice.</p><p>Unfortunately, talking may amplify our anger or leave us more frustrated if we aren’t heard and</p><p>supported, so we have to choose carefully whom to talk to. Often someone who isn’t directly</p><p>involved in the situation can be an objective listener.</p><p>From Anger to Peace 157</p><p>Who are some safe people that you can talk to when you’re angry?</p><p>Generally, we first need to vent our anger uncensored. Once we’ve released our feelings and</p><p>talked about what happened that precipitated our anger, we might move on to exploring how our</p><p>perfectionist thinking and expectations contributed to the problem.</p><p>Get Physical</p><p>Some people don’t like to talk or write about their feelings, and that’s okay. Many people find</p><p>that they need a physical outlet for their anger. As we’ve discussed, anger often shows up in our</p><p>bodies, so it makes sense that it also needs a physical release. Aerobic exercise, which raises our</p><p>heart rate, such as running, dancing, or riding a bike, is particularly effective for decreasing anger.</p><p>Sometimes, however, our environment, physical limitations, or preferences call for slower, quieter</p><p>forms of exercise. Gentle stretching or yoga can feel wonderful on tense muscles. Another easy and</p><p>convenient way to release anger is a progressive relaxation exercise. All you do is tighten the muscles</p><p>in your toes for fifteen seconds and then release the muscles, then tighten the muscles in your feet</p><p>for fifteen seconds and release, then your calf muscles, and systematically go through all the</p><p>muscles in your body, tensing and releasing them. You can do this sitting, standing, or lying down.</p><p>A regular exercise routine is an important part of good physical and mental health for most</p><p>people, so I encourage you to schedule regular times for physical activity. However, it’s also good</p><p>to have a repertoire of activities that you can do as needed—a spot treatment when your anger</p><p>f lares up. For example, sometimes you can’t or don’t want to take a yoga class, but perhaps you can</p><p>close your office door for five minutes and get into the child’s pose or do some side stretches. Or if</p><p>you notice you’re steaming after a conversation with your father, you might postpone running your</p><p>errands and walk around the block instead. This is another great opportunity to challenge our all-</p><p>or-nothing thinking! You don’t need to run a 10K—just a few minutes of exercise can help you</p><p>calm down and refocus.</p><p>What kinds of exercise do you do routinely? If you’re not exercising regularly, what kind of</p><p>exercise are you willing to try?</p><p>158 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What physical activities will you do to help relieve anger in the moment? Remember to</p><p>identify a number of strategies for different environments or situations.</p><p>Soothe Yourself</p><p>It’s stressful and uncomfortable to remain in a state of anger: muscles are tense, thoughts are</p><p>racing, and adrenaline is f looding our system. We feel better when we can soothe and calm our-</p><p>selves, bring ourselves back to a state of inner peace and contentment.</p><p>Self-soothing is a skill that we develop as we grow up. Babies and toddlers have limited abili-</p><p>ties to soothe themselves. They largely depend on their caregivers for comfort. So we swaddle and</p><p>rock our little ones, sing lullabies to them, and give them baths with lavender soap in an effort to</p><p>soothe them. Over time, children learn to calm themselves down when they’re scared, hurt, or</p><p>angry. But as we’ve been discussing, noticing and attending to our feelings isn’t easy, and most</p><p>adults struggle to do so to some degree. But with practice, we can home in on what feels comfort-</p><p>ing to us and learn to do things to calm ourselves and return to equilibrium. This doesn’t necessar-</p><p>ily mean that we’ve solved the source of our upset, but we’ll be better equipped for problem solving</p><p>from a state of calm.</p><p>Below is a list of things that feel comforting to some people. You can use these ideas as a start-</p><p>ing place for creating your own list of comforting activities. Things that are particularly soothing</p><p>are those that we’ve done in the past that have positive associations and things that have repetitive</p><p>motions (this is why babies are soothed by rocking or walking). Keep that in mind as you create</p><p>your list. You can circle the items below that you find comforting and add your own ideas.</p><p>• Sit in the sun.</p><p>• Do some yoga poses.</p><p>• Focus on taking slow, deep breaths.</p><p>• Take a hot bath or shower.</p><p>From Anger to Peace 159</p><p>• Listen to your favorite music.</p><p>• Count to ten (or more!).</p><p>• Stretch.</p><p>• Meditate or just close your eyes and be still.</p><p>• Take a walk.</p><p>• Doodle, draw, or color.</p><p>• Write down ten things you’re grateful for.</p><p>• Look at happy photos.</p><p>• Chew a piece of gum.</p><p>• Read an inspirational quote.</p><p>• Watch a funny video.</p><p>• Squeeze a stress ball.</p><p>• Savor a cup of tea.</p><p>• Focus on and really notice your present surroundings.</p><p>• Pet or play with your pets.</p><p>• Snuggle up with a loved one.</p><p>• Give yourself a hug or ask someone to give you one.</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>160 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Summary</p><p>Feeling angry may seem like an imperfection, but it’s completely normal. Sometimes it’s the result</p><p>of unmet expectations and our impossibly high perfectionist standards. As we discussed in this</p><p>chapter, learning to notice our anger allows us to release it in more productive ways. We will con-</p><p>tinue to discuss anger and unmet expectations in the next chapter, in the form of criticizing others</p><p>when they don’t live up to our standards.</p><p>Chapter10</p><p>From Criticizing to</p><p>Accepting Others</p><p>In addition to being self-critical, many perfectionists are critical of others. This can cause</p><p>problems in our relationships and contribute to feelings of low self-worth. It’s also not an</p><p>effective way to communicate. In this chapter, we’re going to look at why some perfectionists</p><p>are prone to criticizing, and how we can reduce that and learn to accept that others are imper-</p><p>fect too. Specifically, you’ll learn to identify and change perfectionist thoughts that contrib-</p><p>ute to criticism, set realistic expectations, and use effective communication skills, such as the</p><p>assertive communications skills we discussed in chapter 8, in order to positively communicate</p><p>your needs and expectations and build more satisfying relationships.</p><p>Do You Hold Others to Unrealistically</p><p>High Standards?</p><p>All perfectionists have unrealistically high standards for themselves. Many of us also have</p><p>unrealistic expectations for others. When we expect our family members, coworkers, mechan-</p><p>ics, and hairdressers to meet our impossibly high standards without fail or complaint, we</p><p>162 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>often end up disappointed or frustrated. And our disappointment and frustration can result in our</p><p>criticizing and nagging them.</p><p>Of course, criticism is an unproductive way to express our feelings and often contributes to</p><p>relationship problems. We push people away, which makes them less interested in understanding</p><p>and trying to meet our expectations.</p><p>What unrealistically high standards do you have for your spouse, children, friends,</p><p>colleagues, or others?</p><p>Criticism Deteriorates Relationships</p><p>When we expect perfection from others and are intolerant of mistakes, we can damage our</p><p>relationships. Nagging, criticizing, and focusing on what our loved ones are doing wrong erodes</p><p>connection and open communication. Quite</p><p>simply, most people don’t enjoy being around someone</p><p>who is constantly complaining and pointing out their f laws. Let’s take a look at Andrew and Carlos</p><p>for an example of what can happen when criticism is frequent in a relationship.</p><p>AndrewandCarlos’sStory</p><p>Andrew nitpicks his husband, Carlos, constantly. He finds fault with everything, from</p><p>Carlos’s career choice to how he folds the laundry. Andrew, a perfectionist, feels</p><p>anxious about the uncertainty of Carlos’s work as an aspiring novelist and his</p><p>inattention to detail. Nearly every day, Andrew gives unwanted career advice or</p><p>makes passive-aggressive comments about Carlos not having a steady paycheck or</p><p>doing household chores up to par. “You’re so inconsiderate! You were home all day</p><p>and you still didn’t get the oil changed in the car,” he’ll say, or he’ll pester Carlos to</p><p>get a “real job,” insinuating that writing a book isn’t really working.</p><p>Andrew feels frustrated that Carlos doesn’t listen to him. Carlos never does</p><p>what he asks, so why bother asking for help, he figures. Andrew’s perfectionist</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 163</p><p>thinking and unrealistic expectations of himself and Carlos keep him stuck in a</p><p>pattern of criticizing Carlos and resenting Carlos for not living up to his standards or</p><p>doing things the way he wants.</p><p>Just as self-criticism reflects our feelings of inadequacy, repeatedly criticizing others sends the</p><p>message that we think they are inadequate or incompetent. Carlos, who’s married to a critical per-</p><p>fectionist, feels like he’s not good enough. It seems like Andrew notices only his imperfections and</p><p>not his effort, improvement, and strengths. This is demoralizing. It feels like Andrew cares only</p><p>about a steady paycheck and not about Carlos’s dream of writing his novel. In response to Andrew’s</p><p>frequent criticism, Carlos put up an emotional wall; he tunes Andrew out and doesn’t share things</p><p>with him to protect himself from more criticism and hurt.</p><p>While Carlos responds with silence, other people respond to criticism from their partners or</p><p>loved ones with criticism or anger of their own. According to renowned marriage researcher Dr.</p><p>John Gottman, frequent criticism can lead to contempt or looking down on your partner with an</p><p>air of superiority. And criticism and contempt are strong predictors of divorce (Gottman and Silver</p><p>2015).</p><p>How has criticizing negatively impacted your relationships?</p><p>Criticizing Others Makes Us Unhappy</p><p>Criticism doesn’t just have a negative impact on our relationships with others. It can also make</p><p>us feel badly about ourselves. Many of us feel ashamed or guilty about our critical behaviors,</p><p>because they don’t align with our values and the perfect person we strive to be. We’re also sensitive</p><p>to criticism ourselves, so we know how hurtful it can be to be corrected, scolded, or critiqued.</p><p>Criticism also makes us unhappy because it tends to lead to more criticism, which leads to</p><p>more feelings of guilt, regret, and self-reproach. As we discussed in chapter 5, we all have a nega-</p><p>tivity bias—we naturally tend to notice problems and discount the positives. Unfortunately, this is</p><p>a prime set-up for criticizing, because it means it’s easier to focus on what people are doing wrong</p><p>164 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>than what they’re doing right. For example, Carlos goes out of his way to do lots of helpful, caring</p><p>things for Andrew, but many go unnoticed because the negativity bias predisposes Andrew to see</p><p>Carlos’s shortcomings, like not arranging an oil change for the car.</p><p>How do you feel when you criticize others?</p><p>Criticism Doesn’t Motivate People</p><p>Earlier in the book, we worked on being kinder to ourselves because self-criticism doesn’t</p><p>motivate us to do better. The same is true when we criticize others; it tends to be demotivating and</p><p>doesn’t encourage people to listen to us or live up to our expectations. In fact, it can have the oppo-</p><p>site effect, as it did on Carlos, who began to withdraw and tune his partner out due to his incessant</p><p>criticism. Criticism often leaves people feeling ashamed, angry, or afraid rather than motivated.</p><p>How do others respond to your criticisms? Does it seem like an effective way to motivate</p><p>and communicate?</p><p>Criticism often causes more problems than it solves. The next set of exercises will help you to</p><p>anticipate situations in which you’re likely to be critical, recognize and change thinking patterns</p><p>that contribute to criticism, and set more realistic expectations.</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 165</p><p>Identify Your Triggers</p><p>You probably have certain people or situations that are triggers for criticism and nagging. Perhaps</p><p>it’s your employee who sends e-mails with typos to important customers or your child who never</p><p>replaces the empty roll of toilet paper. For Andrew, seeing the bank statement triggers his perfec-</p><p>tionism—an unrealistic belief that he should have a certain amount of money in the bank at all</p><p>times and an underlying fear of not having enough.</p><p>When we repeatedly respond to the same things with criticism or anger, we reinforce these</p><p>responses; in effect, they become hardwired in our brains. We heighten our sensitivity to the people</p><p>or situations that trigger our criticism, so as soon as the situation arises, we’re scanning for mistakes</p><p>and unmet expectations. These hardwired responses to triggers can be changed as we create new</p><p>ways of responding. To get started, identifying your triggers will help you anticipate challenging</p><p>situations and prevent critical or angry responses.</p><p>What people or situations trigger you to criticize or nag?</p><p>Perfectionist Thinking Leads to Criticism</p><p>Our tendency toward all-or-nothing thinking creates the unrealistic expectations that lead us to be</p><p>overly critical of others. Our perfectionist thinking doesn’t leave room for other people to make</p><p>mistakes or have their own opinions, and it tends to assume the worst about people’s actions and</p><p>motives. Recognizing our perfectionist thoughts and reframing them can help us set realistic</p><p>expectations and extend understanding and compassion when others are less than perfect.</p><p>166 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Notice Perfectionist Thinking That Contributes</p><p>to Criticism</p><p>Here are some examples of perfectionist thinking that can contribute to criticizing others.</p><p>Check those that ring true for you and add additional examples at the bottom of the list.</p><p>� There’s no excuse for mistakes.</p><p>� My way is the right way to do things.</p><p>� People always let me down. I can’t count on anyone.</p><p>� If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.</p><p>� If you don’t listen to me, it means you don’t care about me.</p><p>� If you don’t follow through or complete a task, it’s because you didn’t really try.</p><p>� If I don’t enforce some standards, this whole place will fall apart.</p><p>� People who make mistakes are careless, lazy, or inconsiderate.</p><p>� If I don’t correct people, they’ll never learn.</p><p>�</p><p>�</p><p>When you’re aware of how your perfectionist thinking is contributing to being critical, you can</p><p>start the process of challenging those thoughts and developing more realistic thoughts that are less</p><p>judgmental and rigid.</p><p>Challenging Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>When we challenge our perfectionist thoughts, we question their validity and open ourselves</p><p>to the possibility of thinking about ourselves, others, and situations from a different perspective.</p><p>To get started, you might find it helpful to examine your own thinking:</p><p>• Am I taking someone else’s behavior personally? Am I taking their behavior as a personal</p><p>insult?</p><p>• Am I assuming the worst?</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 167</p><p>• Am I jumping to conclusions?</p><p>• Am I overreacting or being harsh?</p><p>• Is there more than one right way to do this?</p><p>• Can I see things from the other person’s point of view?</p><p>Use the table below to practice challenging your perfectionist thoughts</p><p>and replacing</p><p>them with more realistic or positive thoughts.</p><p>Perfectionist thought Challenge Realistic or positive</p><p>thought</p><p>Being late is unacceptable.</p><p>Sam obviously doesn’t care</p><p>about me, or he wouldn’t</p><p>have been late.</p><p>Perhaps there’s another</p><p>reason he was late. Instead of</p><p>assuming he was late</p><p>because he doesn’t care</p><p>about me, I could ask what</p><p>happened.</p><p>Sometimes being late is</p><p>unavoidable, and I can keep</p><p>things in perspective and be</p><p>more understanding.</p><p>168 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Setting Realistic Expectations</p><p>Now that you’ve noticed, challenged, and replaced some of your perfectionist thoughts, you can set</p><p>realistic expectations. As we’ve discussed, we tend to set expectations that are so high that others</p><p>can’t consistently meet them, leaving everyone involved disappointed and unhappy. When this</p><p>happens regularly, it’s a clue that our expectations need to be adjusted.</p><p>It’s okay to have some expectations, but we’ll be most satisfied when we remember that people</p><p>aren’t always going to respond in ways that please us; they’re imperfect too, and we can’t make them</p><p>do what we want. We can, however, control our expectations, and by making them realistic, we</p><p>increase the chance that they’ll be met. It can help to remember that adjusting your expectations</p><p>isn’t a cop-out or failure; it’s a choice to be happier and more accepting of others.</p><p>Let’s take another look at Andrew and Carlos. Andrew is particular about how and when he</p><p>wants household chores to be done, but he now recognizes that criticizing Carlos about it is making</p><p>both of them miserable. Andrew has a choice—he can’t make Carlos do things his way, but he can</p><p>change his expectations so that he’s not critical and continuously disappointed.</p><p>The best way to figure out if your expectations are realistic or not is to pay attention to whether</p><p>they are being met. Realistic expectations are those that others can meet most of the time—or</p><p>come close to meeting. If you’re consistently disappointed that someone isn’t meeting an expecta-</p><p>tion, it is unrealistic to expect that they will meet it. It’s important to distinguish between what you</p><p>think someone should be able to do and what they actually do.</p><p>Try writing down some of the unrealistic expectations that you have about people you</p><p>regularly interact with.</p><p>Person Expectation How often is this</p><p>expectation met?</p><p>(0–100 percent)</p><p>Sam He’ll always pick me up exactly at seven. 10 percent</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 169</p><p>Another thing to consider is whether your expectations align with your values. Sometimes we</p><p>set expectations without thoughtfully considering whether they’re really important to us. This</p><p>might happen because we’re comparing ourselves to others or because it’s what we were taught and</p><p>have just always done. For example, if your biggest criticism of your partner is tardiness, check in</p><p>with yourself to see if punctuality is really one of your core values.</p><p>Do the expectations you identified reflect your values? (You can review the values you</p><p>identified in chapter 7 to help.)</p><p>If you weren’t so worried about what other people think, would you still set these</p><p>expectations?</p><p>Sometimes we criticize others because we feel anxious and inadequate. When people don’t</p><p>respond the way we want or don’t meet our expectations, we may feel out of control and flooded by</p><p>fears of our own inadequacies. Criticizing others can become a way to temporarily regain a sense</p><p>of control and release some of our nervous energy. This is why you may find yourself criticizing</p><p>your spouse or children despite knowing full well that it doesn’t get them to comply with your</p><p>requests and that it leads to arguments and hurt feelings. In this case, we need a different kind of</p><p>release valve and way to feel secure. Start by noticing what fears or stressors are behind your expec-</p><p>tations. For example, Andrew’s expectation that Carlos get a different job stems from his fears of</p><p>not having enough money and being judged by family and friends who are financially better off.</p><p>What fears are underlying your expectations?</p><p>When you recognize that fears are contributing to your unrealistic expectations, you can take</p><p>steps to calm yourself. Just taking three to five minutes to step away from the situation, take some</p><p>slow, deep breaths, and repeat something like “I can remain calm” can calm your nervous system</p><p>170 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>and slow down your thoughts so you can think about how you want to respond. The progressive</p><p>relaxation exercise that we used in the last chapter—starting with flexing your toes for fifteen</p><p>seconds, then relaxing, and moving up from one muscle group to the next—is another quick way</p><p>to calm and center yourself.</p><p>Now that you’ve considered how often your expectations are met, whether they align with your</p><p>values, and whether they are driven by fear and anxiety, you’re ready to decide whether you think</p><p>they’re unrealistic.</p><p>Which of your expectations are unrealistic?</p><p>To adjust your expectations, rewrite them based on what actually happens or has</p><p>happened in the past.</p><p>Unrealistic expectation More realistic expectation</p><p>Sam will always pick me up exactly at seven. Sam will pick me up sometime between</p><p>seven and seven fifteen.</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 171</p><p>Creating more realistic expectations is an important part of increasing the chances that others</p><p>can meet them. Learning to communicate them assertively will also increase the chances that</p><p>others will meet our expectations.</p><p>Assertive Communication Is More Effective</p><p>Than Criticism</p><p>Trying to reduce our criticism of others doesn’t mean we can’t ask for what we need, offer feedback,</p><p>or correct people’s work. Criticism, however, isn’t the most effective way to communicate. Often</p><p>criticism is reactive; we do it because we’re frustrated or afraid and haven’t thought through how or</p><p>what we want to say. By using assertive communication, we can respond rather than react; we can</p><p>give thoughtful consideration to the type and quantity of feedback we want to give and communi-</p><p>cate it with respect.</p><p>Even when we communicate clearly and respectfully, we won’t always get what we ask for, of</p><p>course, but we’re much more likely to have our needs and expectations met when we communicate</p><p>them assertively. We can apply the same assertive communication skills presented in chapter 8 to</p><p>provide feedback in a way that will be well received and promote an attitude of growth and change.</p><p>We can provide feedback and ask for what we need in a respectful way that will both increase the</p><p>chances of our message being heard and improve the quality of our relationships by giving others</p><p>the benefit of the doubt and by expressing our care and concern.</p><p>Give Feedback Rather Than Criticism</p><p>To get our message across and preserve our relationships, it’s helpful to make a distinction</p><p>between criticism and feedback. Criticism tends to be angry, demanding, or degrading. It overgen-</p><p>eralizes someone’s behavior or attacks their character. Feedback, on the other hand, isn’t demand-</p><p>ing or controlling. It offers information that can be helpful for change, gives encouragement, and</p><p>is specific to an issue with someone’s behavior rather than their character. Criticism is about calling</p><p>attention to how bad or wrong we think someone is, whereas feedback is about finding a solution</p><p>or way to move forward together. Criticism most often results in defensiveness, because it’s blaming</p><p>and judgmental. Feedback is more likely to be met with openness and cooperation. Assertive com-</p><p>munication can help us express our needs or expectations about a specific situation or behavior</p><p>without personally attacking others with global statements about their deficiencies. Here’s an</p><p>example to highlight the difference between criticism and feedback.</p><p>172 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• Criticism: You’re always running up the credit card buying useless crap. You</p><p>never think of anyone</p><p>but yourself.</p><p>• Feedback: I’m feeling frustrated that there’s a balance of $800 on the credit card. I see that you</p><p>bought some things that I wasn’t aware of. Let’s go over our budget together and come up with a</p><p>solution that will work for both of us.</p><p>Constructive feedback uses many of the same assertive communication skills that we used in</p><p>chapter 8. It’s particularly helpful to remember these key points about assertive communication:</p><p>• Use I statements.</p><p>• Avoid generalities such as always or never.</p><p>• Focus on present behaviors.</p><p>• Use a calm tone.</p><p>• Demonstrate respect and cooperation rather than superiority and control.</p><p>Practice changing your criticisms into feedback.</p><p>Criticism Feedback</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 173</p><p>Pick Your Battles</p><p>Although feedback can be useful, not every mistake or unfulfilled expectation that people</p><p>make requires feedback from us. We need to decide when our feedback is likely to be welcome and</p><p>when we’re giving advice or corrections in an effort to control or quiet our own fears. Some people</p><p>are simply not interested in feedback. Other times, if given the opportunity, people will self-cor-</p><p>rect; they’ll notice their own errors and figure out how to improve on their own. Some people will</p><p>let us know directly or indirectly that they aren’t interested in feedback. If someone isn’t showing</p><p>signs that they’re internally motivated to change, communicating our displeasure probably isn’t</p><p>going to motivate them.</p><p>Sometimes staying silent is the best option. It’s a reflection that we’re giving them the benefit</p><p>of the doubt, allowing them to make their own choices, and accepting that they are imperfect.</p><p>Before giving feedback or advice, try reflecting on your motives.</p><p>Why am I providing feedback? Do I have something constructive to add or am I trying to</p><p>control or feel in charge?</p><p>Look for What Others Do Right</p><p>Another powerful way to reduce criticism is to train ourselves to spot what people are doing right—</p><p>whether big or small—and expressing it. We’re less likely to criticize when we’re focused on what</p><p>someone’s doing that’s pleasing instead of scanning for their shortcomings. The negativity bias</p><p>makes it easier for us to notice problems, but we can reprogram ourselves simply by practicing</p><p>looking for what people do right. This exercise is straightforward, but it does take effort. The nega-</p><p>tivity bias is strong!</p><p>174 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Write down five things that your family, friends, or workmates do right every day, and, if</p><p>possible, tell the person what you noticed.</p><p>Person: Expressed?</p><p>1.</p><p>2.</p><p>3.</p><p>4.</p><p>5.</p><p>Person: Expressed?</p><p>1.</p><p>2.</p><p>3.</p><p>4.</p><p>5.</p><p>From Criticizing to Accepting Others 175</p><p>As you continue to notice what others are doing right, you’ll probably feel more contentment</p><p>and satisfaction in your relationships. And if you express your pleasure to others, it will help those</p><p>around you to feel good about themselves and respond more positively to you.</p><p>Summary</p><p>Criticism doesn’t have to ruin our relationships and cause us guilt and shame. As you’ve worked</p><p>through the exercises in this chapter, you have taken the steps to change the perfectionist thinking</p><p>that contributes to criticism, set realistic expectations, and communicate your expectations in a</p><p>respectful and assertive way. You’ve also learned to shift your focus from what people are doing</p><p>wrong to what they’re doing right. The next challenge is to work on understanding how perfec-</p><p>tionism leads us to feel guilty and how guilt can be a barrier to taking care of our physical, mental,</p><p>and spiritual health.</p><p>Chapter11</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care</p><p>Throughout this book, we’ve been exploring the connection between perfectionism and self-</p><p>worth and how our drive to please others and to perfect and prove ourselves can negatively</p><p>affect our physical and mental health, relationships, and self-esteem. Self-care can ameliorate</p><p>the effects of stress and prevent these types of negative effects, but as perfectionists, we tend</p><p>to feel guilty about doing things for ourselves—anything that isn’t a direct line to achieving</p><p>a goal, meeting someone’s expectations, or getting more done. Self-care doesn’t fit our image</p><p>of perfection; we think perfect people are self-sacrificing, low-maintenance, don’t-need-any-</p><p>thing types who can run on fumes and still get the job done. Because we have such unrealistic</p><p>expectations of ourselves, we tend to underestimate our need for self-care and feel guilty</p><p>about needing to rest, set boundaries, nurture our relationships, or have fun. But the reality</p><p>is that we all need self-care. We have to tend to our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs</p><p>in order to stay healthy and live a life that’s fulfilling. In this chapter, we’ll learn about the</p><p>importance of self-care and how to practice it without feeling guilty.</p><p>What Is Self-Care?</p><p>Self-care is the practice of consistently taking care of our physical, emotional, or spiritual</p><p>needs. It’s doing something healthy and restorative for ourselves to help bring us back to</p><p>178 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>health, contentment, and alignment with ourselves, others, and the world around us. Let’s begin</p><p>by taking a closer look at what self-care is and isn’t, which will help you release guilt about doing</p><p>things for yourself.</p><p>Self-Care Is Healthy, but Not Always Fun</p><p>Self-care is often confused with leisure, self-indulgence, or anything that’s enjoyable. In fact,</p><p>self-care isn’t always enjoyable: going to the dentist is a form of self-care, because we’re taking care</p><p>of our health, but it’s not particularly enjoyable. And conversely, not all enjoyable activities are self-</p><p>care. Self-care is something that’s good for us, so eating a bag of potato chips at the end of an</p><p>excruciating day may be a treat, but it’s not really self-care, because it’s not a healthy way to take</p><p>care of yourself, and it’s not going to truly restore your physical or emotional energy.</p><p>This isn’t to say that we need to make healthy choices all the time. We’ve all mindlessly eaten</p><p>a bag of chips while binge-watching Netflix. It’s fine for most of us to do this occasionally, and we</p><p>don’t need to criticize ourselves for it. We should just recognize that it’s not quality self-care. Our</p><p>efforts to practice self-care don’t have to be perfect. Self-care is more about progress than</p><p>perfection.</p><p>Self-Care Meets a Need</p><p>Another problem for perfectionists is that we often have unrealistic expectations of ourselves</p><p>that create barriers to practicing self-care. Our perfectionist thinking convinces us that we shouldn’t</p><p>need anything, that we should be superhuman—able to work without getting tired, give without</p><p>receiving, and achieve without effort. However, this isn’t realistic—everyone has needs. And if we</p><p>don’t tend to our needs, we can’t function optimally. We’re used to pushing through, sucking it up,</p><p>and doing things at any cost. Because of our perfectionism, most of us will sacrifice ourselves to</p><p>make someone else happy or finish a project or attain a goal, but this isn’t sustainable. Perhaps</p><p>burnout, anxiety, or physical exhaustion led you to pick up this book. Meeting our needs through</p><p>self-care is essential to our health and happiness. You may relate to Riya’s story, which illustrates</p><p>what happens when we consistently prioritize others’ needs over our own.</p><p>Riya’sStory</p><p>Riya is someone who will always help you out. If you’re sick, she’ll bring you a meal.</p><p>If your car breaks down, she’ll give you a ride. If you’re behind at work, she’ll stay</p><p>late and pitch in. Riya puts everyone else’s needs before her own. At her most</p><p>recent physical exam, her doctor expressed concern about her high blood pressure</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 179</p><p>and lack of sleep and encouraged her to take better care of herself. But Riya really</p><p>didn’t see the point. Sure, she’s tired a lot, but her family and friends need her. She</p><p>would feel guilty leaving her kids in daycare</p><p>so she could go to the gym. She thinks</p><p>she doesn’t need a lunch break; she’ll get more done if she works through lunch.</p><p>She can make do with five hours of sleep. Even if she could find some quiet, taking a</p><p>nap would seem lazy. She would feel selfish going out with friends after work</p><p>instead of going straight home.</p><p>Self-care is an intentional activity done to meet a specific need, not just an excuse to lie around</p><p>in our pajamas all day. Riya, like all of us, needs to exercise, eat lunch, get enough sleep, and social-</p><p>ize with friends. Doing these activities would meet her needs; they’re not luxuries.</p><p>Our self-care is a way to meet our essential and normal physical, emotional, and spiritual</p><p>needs. And because self-care is a needs-based practice, it’s not a reward that we have to earn—nor</p><p>is it selfish. It’s something that we give to ourselves because we need it. Resting when you’re tired</p><p>is no different than eating when you’re hungry, and yet we tend to judge ourselves negatively for</p><p>resting and feel guilty about it.</p><p>Do you sacrifice your own needs to take care of, help, or please others? In what ways?</p><p>How does sacrificing your needs negatively affect you?</p><p>180 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Misconceptions About Self-Care</p><p>In addition to the idea that self-care should always be fun, there are many other common mis-</p><p>conceptions about self-care that create barriers to practicing it.</p><p>Which of these common misconceptions about self-care do you subscribe to?</p><p>Self-care is:</p><p>� a waste of time</p><p>� lazy</p><p>� selfish</p><p>� weak</p><p>� a sign of failure</p><p>� wrong</p><p>� expensive</p><p>� a reward I need to earn</p><p>� not important</p><p>� just the latest self-improvement fad</p><p>How do your misconceptions about self-care make it difficult for you to take care of</p><p>yourself physically, emotionally, or spiritually?</p><p>Now that you’ve recognized how some of your thinking may be limiting your self-care and</p><p>contributing to exhaustion or resentment, you can begin to challenge your perfectionist thinking</p><p>and create more positive thoughts about self-care and a plan for turning them into actions.</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 181</p><p>Challenging Perfectionist Thinking About</p><p>Self-Care</p><p>Our misconceptions about self-care reflect our unrealistic expectations and rigid perfectionist</p><p>thinking that labels things as “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.” These thoughts create guilt or</p><p>the feeling that we’re doing something wrong when we practice self-care, so we tend to neglect our</p><p>needs. To release our guilt, we need to challenge our perfectionist thinking about self-care to see</p><p>if it’s realistic and supportive of our goals to be happy and healthy.</p><p>Using the beliefs and expectations that you just identified, complete the chart below to</p><p>challenge and replace perfectionist thoughts that get in the way of self-care.</p><p>Perfectionist or negative</p><p>belief about self-care</p><p>Challenge Realistic belief about</p><p>self-care</p><p>Self-care is selfish. Self-care meets needs, and</p><p>everyone has needs.</p><p>It’s healthy to care for myself.</p><p>182 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Another way that you can challenge your guilt about self-care is to ask yourself if you’re actu-</p><p>ally doing something wrong. As we discussed in chapter 5, often we find it easier to be compas-</p><p>sionate and understanding of other people’s needs than of our own So, you might ask yourself if you</p><p>think it would be wrong for your best friend to practice self-care. For example, if you feel guilty</p><p>about staying home from work when you’ve got a cold, ask yourself if you’d tell your friend that it’s</p><p>wrong to stay home sick. Consider whether you’re holding yourself to a different standard—an</p><p>unhealthy standard. Practice using this strategy below.</p><p>List a specific self-care activity that you feel guilty about.</p><p>What would you think if your best friend did this activity specifically to take care of his or</p><p>her physical, mental, or spiritual health? Would you be understanding and supportive? Or</p><p>would you say it’s selfish or a waste of time?</p><p>Why is it wrong for you to do it? What perfectionist thoughts and misconceptions about</p><p>self-care are contributing to your guilt?</p><p>Creating a Self-Care Plan</p><p>For most people, self-care requires effort, time, and planning. Like many things, we may have</p><p>good intentions to practice self-care, but without a specific plan, it tends to fall to the bottom of</p><p>the to-do list. Creating a plan that targets your unique needs will make it easier to identify and</p><p>schedule activities that meet your needs and make self-care a priority.</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 183</p><p>Identifying What You Need</p><p>The first step in creating a self-care plan is to identify our needs. Our feelings and bodies are</p><p>excellent at telling us what we need. Often we just need to slow down, be quiet, and listen to what</p><p>they’re telling us. You can build on the Noticing Your Feelings exercise that we’ve been using in</p><p>this book to determine this:</p><p>• How do I feel emotionally? Name your feelings, being as descriptive as you can.</p><p>• How does my body feel? Notice things like pain, energy level, tension, heart rate,</p><p>breathing, and so forth.</p><p>• What do I need to bring myself back to wellness or contentment? Use your feel-</p><p>ings and body sensations to identify what you need.</p><p>Some common human needs are included in the following list. Feel free to adapt it to reflect</p><p>your personal situation.</p><p>• food and water</p><p>• physical activity or exercise</p><p>• sleep</p><p>• rest or relaxation</p><p>• safety (physical and emotional)</p><p>• play or recreation</p><p>• belonging, social connection, and love</p><p>• emotional well-being or stability</p><p>• sense of purpose</p><p>• self-worth and a sense of competence</p><p>• self-determination or autonomy</p><p>• self-control</p><p>184 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• self-expression or creativity</p><p>• connection to god, a higher power, the universe, or something larger than yourself</p><p>• learning, knowledge, or understanding</p><p>Fill in the following chart to identify what you need. You may find it helpful to use it two or</p><p>three times per day.</p><p>Date and</p><p>time</p><p>Feelings Body sensations Need</p><p>Monday</p><p>morning</p><p>Anxious Pounding head</p><p>Stiff neck</p><p>Tapping fingers</p><p>Butterflies in my</p><p>stomach</p><p>Relaxation</p><p>Once you’ve identified what you need, you’re ready to decide how best to meet your needs.</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 185</p><p>Choosing Self-Care Activities</p><p>Finding self-care activities that work for you may take some experimenting, so try to keep an</p><p>open mind and have patience while trying some different options. Also, remember that everyone</p><p>practices self-care differently. I have listed some self-care ideas below just to get your ideas f lowing.</p><p>You are by no means limited to these activities. Some may appeal to you, but ultimately, you will</p><p>create your own list of self-care activities that meet your needs and are effective, interesting, and</p><p>practical for you.</p><p>• sit outside and enjoy</p><p>nature</p><p>• have coffee with a friend</p><p>• do a guided meditation</p><p>• watch the sunrise or</p><p>sunset</p><p>• journal</p><p>• color</p><p>• read a good book</p><p>• knit or crochet</p><p>• listen to a podcast</p><p>• take a nap</p><p>• deep breathing</p><p>• call a friend</p><p>• take a vacation day</p><p>• walk along the ocean</p><p>• blow bubbles</p><p>• pet your cat or dog</p><p>• take yourself out to lunch</p><p>• doodle</p><p>• cuddle with your partner</p><p>• speak up for yourself</p><p>• take a real lunch break</p><p>during the workday</p><p>• go to a religious service</p><p>• go to bed on time</p><p>• write yourself a love letter</p><p>• do a crossword puzzle</p><p>• go to the library</p><p>• have a snack</p><p>• do just one thing at a time</p><p>• take photos</p><p>• sit in silence and do</p><p>nothing</p><p>• reread a favorite book</p><p>from childhood</p><p>• feed the ducks</p><p>• say no to something you</p><p>don’t want to do</p><p>• stargaze</p><p>• take a class because you</p><p>want to</p><p>• have a family game night</p><p>• take a bubble bath</p><p>• pray</p><p>• talk to a therapist</p><p>• take medication as</p><p>prescribed</p><p>• eat a healthy meal</p><p>• pick f lowers in your</p><p>garden</p><p>• crank up the music and</p><p>sing along</p><p>• practice yoga</p><p>• watch a funny YouTube</p><p>video</p><p>• play the piano, guitar, or</p><p>another instrument</p><p>• dance</p><p>• bike ride</p><p>• light a scented candle or</p><p>diffuse essential oils</p><p>• play with your dog</p><p>• hike</p><p>• pull weeds in your garden</p><p>or water your plants</p><p>• make something</p><p>186 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Although we all need to find the self-care activities that work for us, I recommend trying to</p><p>choose activities that are mindful rather than mindless. For example, spending thirty minutes</p><p>mindlessly scrolling through social media is an easy distraction, and most people assume it’s self-</p><p>care because it’s not productive work. However, many people actually feel worse after spending</p><p>time on social media—often because they’re comparing themselves to others or getting riled up by</p><p>political arguments or other tense conversations. Using social media or watching television isn’t</p><p>necessarily a bad thing, but if they leave you feeling drained, they’re probably a distraction rather</p><p>than a true form of self-care. Sometimes the same activity can be done either mindfully or mind-</p><p>lessly. You could take a hot shower and savor the experience, noticing how good it feels on your sore</p><p>muscles and purposefully enjoying the smell of the shampoo and warmth of the water, or you could</p><p>rush through your shower, distracted by everything you have to do today and criticizing your jiggly</p><p>thighs or thinning hair. The first shower experience is more restorative. When we mindfully</p><p>engage in self-care, using our senses to tune in to the full experience, we can maximize the</p><p>benefits.</p><p>You might find it useful to use the chart below to organize your self-care activities according</p><p>to the needs they meet. Some activities may meet multiple needs. For example, doing yoga could</p><p>meet your need for exercise, relaxation, emotional well-being, and connection to a higher power.</p><p>Need Possible self-care activities</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 187</p><p>Putting Your Plan into Action</p><p>So far, we’ve talked about meeting our needs as they occur. We can also practice self-care pro-</p><p>actively—anticipating what we will need. You may notice patterns about your needs, such as feeling</p><p>stressed and overwhelmed when you get home from work. This can help you establish routines to</p><p>meet needs that you can reasonably predict. To meet your need for relaxation when you get home</p><p>from work, you might establish a practice of meditating or savoring a cup of decaffeinated tea at the</p><p>end of every workday. Healthy habits are a particularly important part of a self-care plan, because</p><p>habits and routines make it quicker and easier for us to make healthy choices, and being proactive</p><p>can help us meet needs before they become greater and potentially more difficult to meet.</p><p>Many people like to create a weekly self-care plan based on their anticipated needs. Taking the</p><p>extra step of scheduling time (and budgeting money, if necessary) also makes it easier to follow</p><p>through on a self-care plan. I use a worksheet like the one on the following page and then write</p><p>specific self-care activities on my calendar. It doesn’t address every need I may have, but it helps</p><p>ensure that I’ll meet my most important needs. If you find this worksheet helpful, you can access</p><p>additional copies, called “Self-Care Plan,” at http://www.newharbinger.com/41535.</p><p>Giving Yourself Permission</p><p>There’s one final step to implementing a guilt-free self-care plan: giving yourself permission.</p><p>Formally telling yourself that you need and deserve self-care can make the difference between fol-</p><p>lowing through on your plan or not. Giving yourself permission solidifies your commitment to</p><p>recognizing that your needs are important, valid, and deserve to be met.</p><p>I give myself permission to as a way of taking care of</p><p>myself.</p><p>I give myself permission to as a way of taking care of</p><p>myself.</p><p>188 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>S</p><p>el</p><p>f-</p><p>C</p><p>ar</p><p>e</p><p>P</p><p>la</p><p>n</p><p>Su</p><p>nd</p><p>ay</p><p>M</p><p>on</p><p>da</p><p>y</p><p>Tu</p><p>es</p><p>da</p><p>y</p><p>W</p><p>ed</p><p>ne</p><p>sd</p><p>ay</p><p>Th</p><p>ur</p><p>sd</p><p>ay</p><p>Fr</p><p>id</p><p>ay</p><p>Sa</p><p>tu</p><p>rd</p><p>ay</p><p>I w</p><p>ill</p><p>c</p><p>ar</p><p>e</p><p>fo</p><p>r</p><p>m</p><p>y</p><p>b</p><p>o</p><p>d</p><p>y</p><p>b</p><p>y:</p><p>I w</p><p>ill</p><p>c</p><p>ar</p><p>e</p><p>fo</p><p>r</p><p>m</p><p>y</p><p>sp</p><p>ir</p><p>it</p><p>b</p><p>y:</p><p>I w</p><p>ill</p><p>c</p><p>ar</p><p>e</p><p>fo</p><p>r</p><p>m</p><p>y</p><p>em</p><p>o</p><p>ti</p><p>o</p><p>n</p><p>al</p><p>h</p><p>ea</p><p>lt</p><p>h</p><p>b</p><p>y:</p><p>I w</p><p>ill</p><p>c</p><p>ar</p><p>e</p><p>fo</p><p>r</p><p>m</p><p>y</p><p>n</p><p>ee</p><p>d</p><p>f</p><p>o</p><p>r</p><p>so</p><p>ci</p><p>al</p><p>co</p><p>n</p><p>n</p><p>ec</p><p>ti</p><p>o</p><p>n</p><p>b</p><p>y:</p><p>I w</p><p>ill</p><p>s</p><p>h</p><p>o</p><p>w</p><p>m</p><p>ys</p><p>el</p><p>f</p><p>lo</p><p>ve</p><p>b</p><p>y:</p><p>From Guilt to Self-Care 189</p><p>Summary</p><p>Most people agree that self-care is essential to our well-being, but it’s not always easy to do. This</p><p>chapter has addressed ways to break through the guilt that prevents many perfectionists from prac-</p><p>ticing self-care. When we challenge our perfectionist thinking, we can let go of our misconcep-</p><p>tions about self-care and unrealistic expectations of ourselves. This allows us to acknowledge our</p><p>needs, choose self-care activities to meet those needs, make a self-care plan, and give ourselves</p><p>permission to carry it out. Next, we’re going to be taking a look at shame, which is perhaps the true</p><p>root of perfectionism, and how it fuels perfectionism and our intense drive to prove our worth.</p><p>Chapter12</p><p>From Shame to</p><p>Connection</p><p>Shame is another feeling that perfectionists know well—the feeling that we’re fundamentally</p><p>f lawed and inadequate. Our obsession with achievements, pleasing, and perfect appearances</p><p>are all efforts to compensate for feeling ashamed and afraid of rejection. Shame is a painful</p><p>emotion, so it’s understandable that we will do everything in our power to avoid it. You may</p><p>be tempted to skip this chapter and not tackle the pain associated with shame, or you may not</p><p>be aware that shame is negatively impacting you, but I encourage you to give it a try, because</p><p>the rewards are great. In this chapter, I’m going to help you understand the role shame plays</p><p>in perfectionism, how shame leads to disconnection, and ways to reduce our feelings of shame</p><p>so we can connect with ourselves and others in meaningful ways. Although it’s difficult,</p><p>learning to deal with shame can be instrumental in overcoming perfectionism.</p><p>Shame Creates Perfectionism and</p><p>Perfectionism Creates Shame</p><p>Shame is the driving force behind perfectionism. As I said, shame reflects a belief that there’s</p><p>something wrong with us, not just that we’ve done something wrong, and it leads us to</p><p>192 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>overcompensate with perfectionism. For perfectionists, shame is essentially the intolerable experi-</p><p>ence of being imperfect.</p><p>Perfectionists tend to experience high levels of shame as part of our “I’m unworthy and need to</p><p>prove myself ” mentality. We then create more shame with our unrealistically high self-expecta-</p><p>tions. We set impossible standards, fail to meet them (because they’re completely unrealistic),</p><p>blame ourselves, and feel ashamed. This experience looks something like this:</p><p>Shame (belief that I’m flawed) perfectionism  impossibly high standards  failure </p><p>self-blame  shame</p><p>And the cycle repeats because our feelings of shame and unworthiness lead us to perfectionism</p><p>and trying to prove our worth through impossible achievements. Unlike others, we don’t see failure</p><p>as a healthy part of growth and development. We see it as proof of our inferiority, and it further</p><p>reinforces our shameful feelings.</p><p>How have your perfectionism, fear of failure, and unrealistically high standards contributed</p><p>to feelings of shame?</p><p>Now that we understand the synergistic relationship between shame and perfectionism, let’s</p><p>turn our attention to how you can identify shame in your own life.</p><p>Identifying Shame</p><p>Feelings of shame come from being judged as unacceptable by others or from doing something that</p><p>we believe will be judged harshly by others and that isn’t acceptable in our community’s norms. We</p><p>internalize this judgment as an indication that we are unacceptable, not our actions. The things</p><p>From Shame to Connection 193</p><p>that cause us to feel ashamed are closely related to our perfectionist fears. In chapter 4, we explored</p><p>common perfectionist fears, such as the fear of failure, rejection,</p><p>judgment, criticism, not being</p><p>liked, and not being good enough. Take a look back at the fears that you identified, as they will</p><p>likely help you identify sources of shame. For example, if you identified a fear of failure, doing</p><p>something that you perceive as a failure will probably cause you to feel ashamed.</p><p>Take a moment now and jot down the fears you identified in chapter 4.</p><p>Linda’s story also demonstrates the connection between her perfectionism, fears, and shame.</p><p>Linda’sStory</p><p>Linda, thirty-two, had mapped out her life in childhood. After high school, she</p><p>would go to culinary school, become a pastry chef, get married, have two children,</p><p>and eventually open her own high-end bakery. From an early age, she knew she was</p><p>in her older brother’s shadow. He was clearly their parents’ favorite child, which left</p><p>Linda fearing she wasn’t good enough. So Linda tried to surpass her brother’s</p><p>accomplishments, and her success was impressive. She was working as the head</p><p>pastry chef in an acclaimed New York City restaurant. And she’d been happily</p><p>married to Nigel for five years before she visited a reproductive endocrinologist and</p><p>was diagnosed with endometriosis, which was causing her infertility. Linda was</p><p>devastated, as was Nigel. But Linda blamed herself. She felt defective and inferior</p><p>for not being able to get pregnant—something other women do so easily, even</p><p>accidentally. As unsuccessful infertility treatments ensued, Linda felt more and more</p><p>like a failure as a woman and a wife. She feared Nigel would leave her for a woman</p><p>who could bear him children, although he reassured her that he loved her more than</p><p>ever. Linda felt deep shame about her infertility. She refused to confide in her</p><p>friends and family. She needed to maintain a perfect façade, busying herself with</p><p>work and telling others that she was focused on her professional goals and not</p><p>interested in having children.</p><p>Your shame story may be very different than Linda’s, but we all have one. And it can be very</p><p>painful to acknowledge the things we feel ashamed of. As we begin this process, be sure to practice</p><p>194 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>self-compassion (refer back to chapter 5 for a refresher) and work slowly so you don’t overwhelm</p><p>yourself. This may also be a helpful place to work with a psychotherapist if difficult feelings and</p><p>memories emerge.</p><p>Below is a list of things that often cause feelings of shame. What causes shame for each of us</p><p>is unique to us, of course, but these may help you start to identify shame in your life:</p><p>• getting divorced</p><p>• abusing drugs or alcohol</p><p>• having a mental illness</p><p>• having an abortion</p><p>• having a family history of poverty, addiction, mental illness, or criminal activity</p><p>• watching pornography</p><p>• being abused or being abusive</p><p>• being fired</p><p>• your appearance</p><p>• being infertile</p><p>• being arrested</p><p>• being in debt</p><p>• having an affair</p><p>• placing a child for adoption</p><p>• having a learning disability</p><p>• doing something that goes against your values or morals</p><p>In addition to being able to identify the events that trigger shame, we want to be able to iden-</p><p>tify the thoughts and physical sensations of shame. Often our bodies give us the first cues that</p><p>something is off. In the case of shame, we may be reluctant to acknowledge the sources of our</p><p>shame, because they’re so painful, so noticing our self-critical thoughts and physical symptoms can</p><p>be an easier place to begin.</p><p>From Shame to Connection 195</p><p>Linda’s shame-filled thoughts included: I’m a failure as a woman. I’m a terrible wife. My husband</p><p>will leave me. I have nothing to give. I’m worthless. You’ll notice that these are distorted and cata-</p><p>strophic thoughts that reflect Linda’s experience of being imperfect (being unable to conceive a</p><p>child). As I mentioned earlier, perfectionists are particularly vulnerable to shame because of our</p><p>unrealistic expectations. In addition to her thoughts, Linda could identify many of the common</p><p>physical symptoms of stress, such as headaches, fatigue, clenching her teeth, and irritability, which</p><p>also indicated that she was experiencing shame.</p><p>How do you know when you’re experiencing shame? What thoughts and physical</p><p>sensations do you experience?</p><p>To explore shame more deeply, try to write about at least one source of shame. What</p><p>unfilled expectations of yourself contribute to feeling ashamed? How does this situation</p><p>make you feel defective or inadequate?</p><p>196 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>The Painful Effects of Shame</p><p>Shame is a very painful experience—much more painful than guilt or embarrassment—because it</p><p>reflects a belief that we are unacceptable or unworthy, rather than a belief that we did something</p><p>unacceptable. When we experience shame, we feel f lawed at our core and unlovable, which is why</p><p>all of our efforts to behave and appear perfect can’t rid us of shame. Shame is a belief about who we</p><p>are as people.</p><p>Most people keep their shame concealed. We don’t generally talk about the things we’re</p><p>ashamed of, because they reflect our feelings of unworthiness and fears of judgment and rejection.</p><p>The effects of shame can be profound; shame is associated with aggression, bullying, violence,</p><p>addiction, eating disorders, and depression (Brown 2012). And the results of holding in these</p><p>negative beliefs and fears can be devastating. They eat away at our self-esteem and negatively</p><p>impact our relationships, because shame can make us guarded, distant, and afraid of judgment.</p><p>How does shame negatively impact your behavior, thoughts, and physical and emotional</p><p>health?</p><p>Disconnection is one of the most painful repercussions of shame. In the next section, we’ll take</p><p>a closer look at how shame causes us to feel disconnected and alone and how overcoming shame</p><p>can help us build closer connections.</p><p>Shame Creates Disconnection</p><p>In her book Daring Greatly, Brené Brown writes: “Shame is the fear of disconnection—it’s the fear</p><p>that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve</p><p>not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection” (2012, 68–69). We might rewrite this idea as:</p><p>From Shame to Connection 197</p><p>shame is the fear that being imperfect makes us unlovable and unworthy of connection. So when</p><p>we experience shame, we go to extreme lengths to try to be perfect, because we believe perfection</p><p>is our ticket to love and belonging. But this is a false belief; trying to be perfect isn’t actually going</p><p>to help us build connection—often it does the opposite.</p><p>As perfectionists, we strongly resist sharing our insecurities and imperfections with others.</p><p>This leads to disconnection, because when we don’t share our feelings and experiences—the good</p><p>and the bad—we feel alone. And if we aren’t having conversations that include sharing mistakes</p><p>and imperfections, we tend to fill in the gaps with assumptions. For example, if my sisters and</p><p>friends don’t confide in me that they have made mistakes or had difficult things happen in their</p><p>lives, I’m apt to assume that they have it all together and that I’m the only one who’s experienced</p><p>difficulties—because I’m inferior. Of course, this is an inaccurate assumption; everyone has regrets,</p><p>family secrets, and flaws of various kinds. But when we get stuck in shame, we imagine either that</p><p>other people don’t have any failings or that they aren’t as bad as ours. We conclude that we’re outli-</p><p>ers. This is how shame builds walls among us. We’re each in our own shame bubble—isolated,</p><p>afraid of judgment, and feeling completely unworthy—so we remain silent and don’t share our</p><p>imperfections. Patrick’s story exemplifies how the belief that we’re different and inferior not only</p><p>pushes us toward perfectionism but also causes us to be emotionally distant from others.</p><p>Patrick’sStory</p><p>Patrick, fifty, came to see me for therapy because his marriage was falling apart. He</p><p>told me that he and his wife</p><p>had had communication problems from the beginning</p><p>and had grown apart over the years, but now she had moved out, and Patrick was</p><p>worried that his wife would ask him for a divorce. Patrick, a stoic man born in</p><p>Ireland, had been a hardworking and successful software engineer in Silicon Valley</p><p>for the past twenty years. Work had often been his retreat when things were</p><p>difficult at home. Patrick’s wife complained that he didn’t share his feelings with her;</p><p>he couldn’t be vulnerable and let her into his inner world. Through our sessions, it</p><p>became apparent that this was true. Even after twenty-five years together, Patrick</p><p>was afraid to tell his wife about the deep shame he felt about his childhood. Patrick</p><p>had been sexually abused by his grandfather until he was twelve years old. He had</p><p>never told anyone. Not his parents. Not his sister. Not his best friend. Not his wife.</p><p>He buried it and tried to pretend it didn’t affect him. But it was this deep shame and</p><p>the core belief that he was unlovable and unworthy that drove him to overwork, and</p><p>it’s also what built a wall between him and his wife. He feared she’d look at him</p><p>differently—she wouldn’t respect and love him—if she knew about the abuse he</p><p>suffered as a child. Shame about being sexually abused led to his perfectionist</p><p>thinking and the dissolution of his marriage.</p><p>198 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>How does shame or the fear of being unworthy and unlovable keep you separate or</p><p>disconnected? Has it contributed to missed opportunities for connection or the</p><p>breakdown of relationships?</p><p>Now that we’ve examined how shame is a barrier to deep connection and intimacy, we’ll turn</p><p>our attention to how we can decrease our shame and start to build stronger connections.</p><p>Decreasing Shame and Building Connection</p><p>We can decrease shame and build connection with others by learning to be more authentic.</p><p>Authenticity decreases shame because it allows us to feel fully accepted for who we are, including</p><p>the things we’re ashamed of. And as our shame decreases and our authenticity increases, our ability</p><p>to connect with others also improves.</p><p>Connection Requires Vulnerability</p><p>We can only connect deeply with others when we allow ourselves to be authentic. And authen-</p><p>ticity requires us to be vulnerable—to be fully seen. Since we’ve spent our lives invested in trying</p><p>to be perfect as a way to prove our worth, it’s challenging for us to let our guard down and allow</p><p>others to know us more openly, especially our messy, imperfect parts.</p><p>As we’ve discussed, shame is what prevents perfectionists from being vulnerable. When we try</p><p>to step out of perfectionism, shame rears its head and dissuades us from being authentic. Shame</p><p>tells us that we’re wrong, bad, and worthless. We fear criticism for our imperfections and imagine</p><p>that others will judge us harshly. The voice of shame might sound like this: What will Joe think if I</p><p>tell him I got a DUI? I’m sure he’ ll think I’m an awful person. I better not tell him. I can’t risk his</p><p>disapproval.</p><p>From Shame to Connection 199</p><p>So, instead, we retreat to the safety of perfectionism. Our perfectionist thinking tells us that if</p><p>we appear perfect, people won’t reject, judge, or criticize us. We imagine that being perfect will</p><p>ensure that we’re accepted and loved. The problem is that people can’t like us if they don’t know us.</p><p>And knowing our accomplishments and the trappings of our successes isn’t really knowing us.</p><p>These are only tiny fractions of who we are. As we’ve discussed in this workbook, we’re much more</p><p>than a resume, title, or the bio on a website. Deep connection happens when people know about</p><p>our mistakes and secrets—and they like us anyway.</p><p>We can begin the process of being more vulnerable by identifying safe people to begin to open</p><p>up to. We don’t need to share our personal experiences of imperfection with just anyone. We want</p><p>to carefully select those who have shown they’re trustworthy and empathetic. In addition to friends</p><p>and family members, you might consider practicing vulnerability with a therapist, clergy member</p><p>or spiritual leader, mentor, or support group.</p><p>Whom can you begin to share your imperfections with?</p><p>We also want to start to share more of ourselves through incremental steps. For example, you’re</p><p>not going to lead with your biggest source of shame (for Linda, her infertility, and for Patrick,</p><p>being a victim of childhood sexual abuse). Instead, you’ll start by sharing a mistake or imperfection</p><p>that you feel a small amount of shame about, like your credit card being declined, gossiping about</p><p>a coworker, or leaving dirty coffee mugs in the office sink and never washing them.</p><p>What are some of the smaller sources of shame that you might begin to share?</p><p>200 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>As you begin to talk about your shame with others, pay attention to the responses you get. This</p><p>will inform your decision about whether to share more or not. Receiving an empathetic response to</p><p>shame is what heals it.</p><p>Empathy Builds Connection</p><p>Empathy is understanding and sharing how someone else is feeling. It conveys that I’m feeling</p><p>(sadness, anger, or another emotion) with you, unlike sympathy, which means I’m feeling sadness</p><p>or pity for you. When we empathize, we can take someone else’s perspective and understand their</p><p>feelings without judgment. Empathy makes us feel connected because it affirms that we aren’t</p><p>alone in our struggles. It doesn’t invalidate or try to change our feelings, such as trying to cheer us</p><p>up when we’re sad. Empathy shows acceptance of our feelings, experiences, and who we are. When</p><p>Linda shared that her in-vitro fertilization (IVF) was unsuccessful, she received an empathetic</p><p>response from her best friend and a sympathetic response from her sister.</p><p>• Empathetic response: Oh, Linda, I’m so sorry the IVF procedure didn’t work. I know you’ve</p><p>been trying to get pregnant for such a long time. It sounds so painful and frustrating and disap-</p><p>pointing. I want to hear what it’s been like for you.</p><p>• Sympathetic response: I’m sorry to hear that. Stay positive! I’m sure it will work next time!</p><p>An empathetic response brings people closer.</p><p>Think about something vulnerable that you’ve shared or would like to share, write an</p><p>example of an empathetic response that would feel good to you.</p><p>Often when we share something that’s shameful or vulnerable, the other person will share</p><p>their own shameful experience in return. When this is done in an empathetic way—not a com-</p><p>parative or one-upmanship type of way—it builds connection by reinforcing our shared experi-</p><p>ences of being imperfect. We get the feeling not only that we’re understood but also that we’re all</p><p>struggling together and that none of us is perfect.</p><p>So when someone opens up to you, you have the opportunity to reciprocate in sharing some-</p><p>thing vulnerable and building a deeper connection. Here’s an example of how this might happen</p><p>when someone begins to share a small piece of their shame.</p><p>From Shame to Connection 201</p><p>Mark: “I completely blew it. I scheduled a new client for eight o’clock this morning, and I forgot</p><p>all about the appointment. He got to my office, and no one was there! I feel like such a</p><p>loser. I’m the worst therapist ever. Why would anyone want to hire me?”</p><p>Me: “Wow, that sucks. I know how hard you’ve worked to start the clinic and build a good</p><p>reputation. I can understand why you’re so frustrated with yourself. That sounds really</p><p>upsetting.”</p><p>Mark: “Yeah, I can be so stupid!”</p><p>Me: “Well, we all do things like that sometimes. It’s not just you! When I was teaching Intro</p><p>to Psych last semester, I forgot the final exam. Can you believe that? I was in such a rush</p><p>that morning that I left the whole stack of exams on the copy machine and didn’t even</p><p>realize it until I got to class. Everyone was asking, ‘Where’s the exam?’ I felt like such a</p><p>fraud. I just kept thinking, Whatever made me think</p><p>I could do this?”</p><p>Mark: “I didn’t know that. That must have been awful!”</p><p>In this example, I took the opportunity to share something that I was ashamed of with Mark</p><p>not to make it all about me, but to normalize his experience and let him know that I’m not perfect</p><p>either.</p><p>How does it feel when someone shares something vulnerable with you?</p><p>Are you more likely to share something vulnerable in return?</p><p>How can you encourage others to be vulnerable with you?</p><p>202 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Of course, your efforts to be more authentic and vulnerable may not always be met with</p><p>empathy and shared vulnerability. With that in mind, consider how you will cope with such a situ-</p><p>ation. Perhaps refer back to chapter 11 for some self-care ideas.</p><p>How will you cope if your efforts to connect aren’t reciprocated or your vulnerability isn’t</p><p>met with empathy?</p><p>As I mentioned, learning to talk about shame is a difficult process and not one to undertake</p><p>too quickly. I encourage you to work through the exercises in this chapter repeatedly and pay atten-</p><p>tion to how you feel as you practice sharing more of your authentic self.</p><p>Summary</p><p>In this chapter, we identified the connection between shame and perfectionism—specifically that</p><p>perfectionists are susceptible to shame because we believe we’re inherently unworthy, which leads</p><p>us to set unattainable goals and unrealistically high expectations that we can’t fulfill, leaving us</p><p>feeling more ashamed. We also discussed how shame isolates us and becomes a barrier to authentic</p><p>connection with others. We can decrease our shame and create more fulfilling and intimate rela-</p><p>tionships by learning to share our imperfections—the source of our shame—with people who are</p><p>likely to provide empathy and acceptance. In the final chapter, we’ll discuss how to stay motivated,</p><p>how to maintain the changes you’ve made thus far, and ongoing ways to practice accepting your</p><p>imperfections.</p><p>Chapter13</p><p>Putting It All Together</p><p>You’re nearing the end of The Perfectionism Workbook, and even if you’ve completed all of the</p><p>exercises and reflective questions in this book, your perfectionism may still be rearing its head</p><p>and getting in your way. This is completely normal! It doesn’t mean you’ve done something</p><p>wrong or that these exercises don’t work. Most of the exercises in this book are designed to</p><p>be repeated for maximum benefit; doing them only once is unlikely to give you the results</p><p>you’re looking for. So in this chapter, you will learn how to deal with some of the common</p><p>pitfalls of self-improvement efforts—getting discouraged and sliding back into old behaviors.</p><p>To avoid these, we’ll discuss ways to cope with feeling discouraged and how to maintain the</p><p>progress you’ve already made. This chapter will include using strategies we’ve already dis-</p><p>cussed, such as self-compassion, partial successes, setting realistic expectations, and self-care.</p><p>And you’ll learn how to visualize success, identify where to focus your practice efforts, and</p><p>create a practice routine.</p><p>Staying Motivated</p><p>Changing long-standing behavior and thought patterns is a process. Often it’s not a straight</p><p>path, but rather a bumpy road with unexpected setbacks, change attempts that don’t seem to</p><p>go anywhere, and efforts that stall out. This can be disheartening, especially because our</p><p>204 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>perfectionist nature wants change to happen seamlessly and easily. But as we’ve discussed through-</p><p>out this book, setbacks and mistakes aren’t failures, they’re important opportunities to learn some-</p><p>thing new. Staying motivated is an important part of any change plan, and many of the strategies</p><p>we’ve used throughout this book can help.</p><p>Self-Compassion</p><p>It’s very easy, especially for perfectionists, to become self-critical when we don’t behave the way</p><p>we want and when our efforts to change aren’t quick and easy. Many perfectionists feel disap-</p><p>pointed or angry with themselves for not being able to change—or “fix”—their perfectionism,</p><p>especially after putting in a lot of effort.</p><p>Have there been times, as you’ve worked through this book, that you’ve felt discouraged</p><p>or like you’re not making progress? Explain what this has been like for you.</p><p>Example: Changing has been so much harder than I thought. I can’t seem to stop criticizing my</p><p>family. I love them, and I know I’m hurting them. I’m so angry with myself for acting like this,</p><p>and I’m doubting whether I can ever change.</p><p>Your old pattern was probably to respond to these experiences with self-criticism—to blame</p><p>yourself for not working hard enough or being smart enough. But as we discussed in chapter 5,</p><p>self-criticism doesn’t generally motivate us, it makes us feel more ashamed and worthless. Self-</p><p>compassion is a tool that can be helpful when you’re feeling frustrated or discouraged with the</p><p>change process.</p><p>Putting It All Together 205</p><p>Using the tenets of self-compassion, what can you say to yourself to acknowledge your</p><p>struggle, normalize it, and respond with compassion?</p><p>Example: Change is hard. And it’s a long process. I’ve been working hard on this, and it means</p><p>a lot to me; it’s normal to feel frustrated. The fact that I haven’t mastered this skill doesn’t mean</p><p>I’m doing something wrong.</p><p>Try to notice when self-criticism returns, and instead of seeing it as a failure, use it as an oppor-</p><p>tunity to practice giving yourself the same loving kindness that you give to others. This will help</p><p>you calm and soothe yourself so that you can put things in perspective and realize that change is a</p><p>process of baby steps that you make every day.</p><p>Partial Successes</p><p>The strategy of partial successes (chapter 6) is a great way to reframe our all-or-nothing think-</p><p>ing and a helpful tool for staying motivated. Focusing on everything you’re doing wrong is demo-</p><p>tivating. Instead, partial successes help us to see the effort and progress we’ve made and recognize</p><p>that it counts even if it’s imperfect or incomplete.</p><p>Try reframing as a partial success something that felt like a failed effort to change or a discour-</p><p>aging experience in your journey to overcome perfectionism. Below there are two examples. The</p><p>first shows a partial success directly related to the specific struggle (in this case, anger and criticiz-</p><p>ing others), and the second example shows a partial success related to the larger goal of reducing</p><p>perfectionism. If you have trouble identifying a specific partial success, you can choose a more</p><p>general one.</p><p>Perceived failure or challenge: This morning, I yelled at my kids three times to clean up their</p><p>shoes and jackets, and I criticized my son for getting up late.</p><p>Partial success: After school I noticed that my son did his homework without prompting, and I</p><p>praised him for this.</p><p>Partial success: I wrote in my gratitude journal for seven consecutive days.</p><p>206 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Perceived failure or challenge:</p><p>Partial success:</p><p>Perceived failure or challenge:</p><p>Partial success:</p><p>Realistic Expectations</p><p>One of the strongholds of our perfectionism is setting exceptionally high expectations of our-</p><p>selves. This essentially sets us up to feel like we’re failing, because it’s impossible to meet these</p><p>expectations. And having unrealistic expectations about how much we can change, and how</p><p>quickly and effortlessly we can do it, often leads to discouragement and demotivation.</p><p>Many people find it helpful to recall that they have been reinforcing their perfectionist think-</p><p>ing and behaviors for (fill in your age) years, and it’s not realistic to completely</p><p>eliminate these tendencies in six months or a year. This helps keep things in perspective and bring</p><p>our expectations back to reality.</p><p>Another tool that I’ve mentioned in this book is the mindset “progress not perfection,” which</p><p>reminds you that your objective isn’t to completely eliminate all of your perfectionist thoughts and</p><p>behaviors. It’s tempting</p><p>didn’t seem to impress his</p><p>parents. Their response to anything less than an A+ was to hang their heads in</p><p>shame and quietly say, “You’re not going to get into Stanford with these grades!”</p><p>Never mind that Jeremy didn’t want to go to Stanford or Harvard or any of the</p><p>other universities his parents deemed worthy. His parents’ criticism and high</p><p>expectations ultimately did push Jeremy to study harder, go to Stanford, and</p><p>become a doctor. He continues to push himself with late nights spent reviewing</p><p>charts and taking additional training courses. He berates himself over the tiniest</p><p>mistakes and has earned the nickname “Dr. Perfect” among the nurses, due to his</p><p>demanding and critical treatment of them. But, truth be told, Jeremy feels anything</p><p>but perfect.</p><p>You may notice similarities between your perfectionist traits and Laurie’s or Jeremy’s, but per-</p><p>fectionism can take many forms. We’re going to take a closer look at some of the core features of</p><p>perfectionism, and then you’ll have an opportunity to think about what perfectionism looks like</p><p>for you.</p><p>What Is Perfectionism? 7</p><p>Painfully High Standards</p><p>High standards are a good thing; they encourage us to pursue excellence, solve problems, do</p><p>quality work, create, and innovate. But high standards aren’t the same as perfectionism or unreal-</p><p>istically high standards. Perfectionists strive to never make mistakes and are excruciatingly hard on</p><p>themselves when they do.</p><p>People often confuse perfection with excellence. The pursuit of excellence is a healthy striving</p><p>to be outstanding or above average. It promotes personal growth and improvement. But perfec-</p><p>tionists don’t expect just excellence; they have such painfully high standards that anything short of</p><p>perfect is intolerable. Unlike seeking excellence, perfectionism is a narrow, intolerant expectation</p><p>that we will never make mistakes or have any imperfections. The quest for excellence, on the other</p><p>hand, allows for imperfections and mistakes; it’s more forgiving than perfectionism.</p><p>The primary difference between pursuing excellence and perfection is the way making mis-</p><p>takes or having flaws is viewed. As perfectionists, we tend to overgeneralize mistakes and short-</p><p>comings. We take one mistake and use it to deem ourselves complete failures or inferior. This</p><p>thinking error keeps perfectionists stuck on the negatives and unable to see the potentially positive</p><p>aspects of mistakes and imperfections when in reality there are many benefits to embracing our</p><p>imperfections and learning from our missteps.</p><p>When we expect perfection, we’ll inevitably be disappointed. We all make mistakes, no matter</p><p>how smart we are or how hard we work. Instead, we should strive for excellence. We can expect</p><p>100 percent from ourselves and others, but it’s important to remember that 100 percent isn’t perfec-</p><p>tion; it’s the best that we can do at this moment, given these circumstances. Five years from now,</p><p>I will probably be able to write an even better book than this one, because I’ll continue to learn and</p><p>develop new skills between now and then. That doesn’t mean this is an inferior book; it’s not</p><p>perfect, but it’s the best book I can write today, and that’s all I can fairly ask of myself. Excellence</p><p>is striving high, but offering yourself grace for mistakes made and things you don’t yet know.</p><p>The Belief That Achievement Determines Self-Worth</p><p>Underneath our striving for perfection, there is likely a sense of inadequacy and insecurity.</p><p>According to perfectionism researchers P. L. Hewitt, G. L. Flett, and S. F. Mikail, “The central</p><p>focus of most perfectionists is on the needs to perfect the self and to correct or hide aspects of</p><p>themselves that they see as imperfect” (2017, 23–24). They describe these strivings as an attempt</p><p>to overcompensate for our perceived imperfections, and this makes it impossible for us to enjoy our</p><p>successes and accomplishments. Perfectionism is an attempt to prove that we are secure, adequate,</p><p>and in control.</p><p>As perfectionists, we base our self-worth on our performance and achievements. We aren’t</p><p>particularly resilient, in that we don’t easily bounce back from setbacks; mistakes stick with us,</p><p>8 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>damage our self-esteem, and leave us feeling worthless or incompetent. The only way we feel</p><p>valued or worthy is by achieving, winning, and being flawless. This means that when we mess up</p><p>or fail to achieve a goal, we see these mistakes as monumental. Other people might shrug off being</p><p>late to an appointment as no big deal, but perfectionists see this as a personal failing resulting in</p><p>damage to their self-esteem. Likewise, we aren’t happy with a second-place finish. For some people,</p><p>a silver medal would be a source of pride, but for us, it’s a reminder that we still aren’t the best or</p><p>living up to our potential.</p><p>Perfectionists tend to be driven, high achievers. We’re excellent at setting goals, and we often</p><p>achieve them; this is how we measure our value as people. Perfectionists think, “I have to con-</p><p>stantly work harder, contribute more, and only when I’m without criticism or f laws will I matter</p><p>and have earned the right to be here.” This puts intense pressure on us, because if we stop produc-</p><p>ing and perfecting, we feel worthless. There is no middle ground for perfectionists.</p><p>Perfectionists also let others determine their self-worth. We believe that self-worth must be</p><p>earned, and we’re only successful if others approve of us and our accomplishments. In this way, we</p><p>allow others to determine our self-worth.</p><p>Fear</p><p>As we dig beneath the surface of all these efforts to prove ourselves worthy, we find fear and</p><p>anxiety; there’s a deep need to be liked, accepted, and valued. Perfectionists are afraid to disappoint</p><p>or displease others (as I mentioned earlier, this shows up as people-pleasing behaviors and playing</p><p>it safe) and don’t want to reveal their struggles, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities, for fear of judg-</p><p>ment. As perfectionists, we fear failure because we see failure as catastrophic and permanent. We’ll</p><p>do anything to avoid failure because we don’t define failure as an event; we believe it’s our identity.</p><p>Failure is proof that we’re inadequate, and perfectionism is a constant and intense need to not be</p><p>inadequate—or even average.</p><p>Perfectionists try to avoid failure, criticism, and embarrassment by sticking to things they’re</p><p>already good at. We avoid risk and the unknown in favor of consistency, what’s already known, and</p><p>what feels safe.</p><p>How do you define perfectionism? Write your own personal definition of perfectionism.</p><p>What Is Perfectionism? 9</p><p>How Perfectionism Manifests in Your Life</p><p>Perfectionism can be obvious or it can be quite subtle. Sometimes it’s hard to spot, because it</p><p>doesn’t impact all areas of your life. It’s possible for perfectionism to be causing problems in some</p><p>areas of your life, but not others.</p><p>One helpful way of understanding perfectionism is the three personality traits identified by</p><p>P. L. Hewitt and G. L. Flett (1991):</p><p>• Self-oriented perfectionism: This is a self-imposed expectation that you will be perfect.</p><p>You create unrealistically high standards for yourself, that are not attainable. You are goal</p><p>oriented and driven. In response to unrealistically high standards, you are highly self-critical.</p><p>You notice every flaw and mistake, ruminate about them, and beat yourself up over them.</p><p>• Other-oriented perfectionism: You have unrealistic expectations of others. You expect</p><p>perfection from others, and when they fail to live up to that, you are critical and easily find</p><p>fault or assign blame. You’re highly critical of others and frequently feel disappointed and</p><p>angry that others aren’t living up to your expectations.</p><p>• Socially prescribed perfectionism: You believe that others have abnormally high</p><p>expectations of you that are impossible to meet.</p><p>In my clinical work, I notice that perfectionism involves a combination of impossibly high</p><p>standards</p><p>to want to strive for 100 percent elimination of these troublesome tenden-</p><p>cies, but it’s not realistic for most of us. Nor is it the only way to experience the benefits of reducing</p><p>your perfectionism.</p><p>How has your life already improved because of the progress you’ve made in reducing your</p><p>perfectionism? Consider your physical and mental health, work-life balance, willingness to</p><p>try new things and take chances, and relationships.</p><p>Putting It All Together 207</p><p>For most people, even a modest reduction in their perfectionism will lead to meaningful posi-</p><p>tive changes in their life. Because of the negativity bias, sometimes the hardest part is actually</p><p>recognizing your progress and celebrating it. If you choose to continue keeping a gratitude journal,</p><p>try including your efforts to change and the positive results that you’re experiencing, which will</p><p>reinforce them.</p><p>Visualize Success</p><p>Another way to stay motivated and think positively about the change process is to visualize</p><p>yourself acting in new ways. This creates a mental picture of success that strengthens your confi-</p><p>dence. This technique is most helpful when you visualize changing what you can control (yourself)</p><p>rather than visualizing yourself achieving a particular outcome. For example, try visualizing your-</p><p>self practicing assertive communication at work instead of visualizing yourself getting a raise,</p><p>which you can’t completely control. Use the steps below to get started with visualizing a successful</p><p>change process.</p><p>1. Think of a particular change you want to make.</p><p>2. Identify the barriers or challenges you face in making this change.</p><p>3. Find a quiet place to sit.</p><p>4. Relax your body and close your eyes.</p><p>5. Imagine yourself making this change, overcoming the barrier or challenge, and acting in</p><p>the desired way. Describe the scene to yourself in as much detail as possible. Try to use all</p><p>of your senses. Who or what do you see? What do you hear? What are the facial expres-</p><p>sions of the people you are with? What are you doing? How do you feel? How do you</p><p>overcome the barriers?</p><p>208 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>You can also describe the situation in writing in the space provided.</p><p>Most people find that visualization works best when they repeat it regularly.</p><p>Increase Your Self-Care</p><p>As we discussed in chapter 11, self-care is taking care of our physical, emotional, and spiritual</p><p>needs. It’s worth revisiting here, because when we ask a lot of ourselves, we also need to give a lot</p><p>to ourselves. It takes a lot of time and energy to read and complete this workbook and apply the</p><p>concepts consistently in your life. In order to do this, you need to be consistently replenishing your-</p><p>self, or you’ll quickly become depleted, which can lead to procrastination, avoidance, frustration,</p><p>and discouragement. If you notice these feelings creeping in, it’s a cue to increase your self-care.</p><p>What’s one healthy, positive thing you can do for yourself when you feel discouraged</p><p>about your progress?</p><p>You may also find it useful to print out another Self-Care Plan (available at http://www</p><p>.newharbinger.com/41535) for a more structured approach to taking care of your needs.</p><p>In addition to staying motivated, people often struggle to maintain the changes they achieved.</p><p>Maintaining change requires ongoing practice and planning, which we’ll turn our attention to</p><p>now.</p><p>Putting It All Together 209</p><p>Maintaining Change</p><p>When making significant changes, it’s not uncommon for people to slip back into old patterns</p><p>from time to time. It takes substantial effort not only to make but also to maintain changes in our</p><p>thoughts and behaviors. After completing all of the exercises in this book, you’ve hopefully learned</p><p>a great deal about yourself and about specific ways to overcome perfectionism. Practice is the key</p><p>to maintaining these changes.</p><p>Continue to Use This Book</p><p>We all need ongoing practice to maintain the progress we’ve made. For example, after training</p><p>for and running a marathon, you couldn’t stop training and expect to maintain all of the gains</p><p>you’d made. We all accept that to remain physically fit, we need to continue the practices that</p><p>helped us become fit. Maintaining the gains you’ve made in overcoming perfectionism is no dif-</p><p>ferent; it requires ongoing practice. The new ways of thinking and acting that you’ve learned from</p><p>The Perfectionism Workbook will get easier and feel more natural the more that you practice them.</p><p>So it’s a good investment of time and energy to set up a plan for ongoing practice.</p><p>Reinforcing Concepts</p><p>Now is a good opportunity to reflect on the progress you’ve made and identify which areas of</p><p>your perfectionism need more of your attention. In chapter 2, you identified your perfectionist</p><p>traits and how perfectionism was negatively impacting your physical health; emotional well-being;</p><p>ability to prioritize work, personal interests, and needs; pursue new opportunities; and have satisfy-</p><p>ing relationships. It may be helpful to reflect back on your answers in those sections and then</p><p>answer the questions below. Again, remember that it’s completely normal to still be struggling with</p><p>perfectionist thoughts and behaviors.</p><p>Which areas of your life continue to be negatively impacted by perfectionism?</p><p>210 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Which of these areas do you feel most motivated to continue working on?</p><p>Continuing to work on the exercises in this book that were challenging the first time through</p><p>can also be beneficial, as can repeating the exercises that seemed to give you the best results.</p><p>Which chapters or exercises in this book were the most challenging?</p><p>Which provided the greatest insights or growth?</p><p>Identifying the areas that you’d like to continue to improve in, as well as the exercises that were</p><p>especially challenging or beneficial, will help you to focus your practice on the areas that will be</p><p>most useful and keep it manageable. Continuing to practice is likely to further reduce the negative</p><p>impact of perfectionism in your life.</p><p>Putting It All Together 211</p><p>Create a Routine</p><p>Routines make it easier for us to do things that are good for us or that are in alignment with</p><p>our goals and values. When we do the same thing at the same time each day, for example, it takes</p><p>less effort than if we have to decide when and how and even if we’re going to do something. Things</p><p>are more likely to get done if we put a consistent plan in place. When we set things up as optional—</p><p>waiting until we have time or we feel like doing them—it’s easy to procrastinate or not do them at</p><p>all. So creating a routine will help you prioritize practicing the skills you’ve learned in this book.</p><p>Being realistic about your time and energy, how much time can you commit to practicing</p><p>each week?</p><p>Which chapters or exercises will you focus on this week?</p><p>Open your calendar, journal, or whatever tool you use to keep track of your schedule and</p><p>record when you will do each exercise and for how long. Sticking to a routine will make it</p><p>easier.</p><p>212 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Sample Practice Schedule</p><p>Sunday 8:00–8:30 Challenging My Negative Thoughts (chapter 4)</p><p>10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal (chapter 7)</p><p>Monday 10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>Tuesday 10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>Wednesday 8:00–8:30 Noticing Perfectionist Thinking That Contributes to</p><p>Criticism; Challenging Perfectionist Thinking (chapter 10)</p><p>10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>Thursday 10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>Friday 10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>Saturday 10:00–10:15 Gratitude Journal</p><p>A good rule of thumb is to practice using the routine you’ve decided upon for thirty days and</p><p>then reevaluate whether more or less practice is needed. Over time, as your perfectionist tendencies</p><p>lessen, you’ll be able to decrease your practice time, so you won’t have to practice at this level</p><p>forever. However, you’re most likely to maintain</p><p>the changes you’ve made if you incorporate at least</p><p>some of the strategies and exercises into a routine that you maintain indefinitely.</p><p>Practice Being Imperfect</p><p>Being able to accept our imperfections and recognize that we’re worthwhile people despite</p><p>them is our ultimate goal in overcoming perfectionism. For years, our perfectionism has told us</p><p>that imperfections are unacceptable and that we should deny them, be ashamed of them, and go to</p><p>extraordinary lengths to correct them. When we embrace our imperfections, we don’t have to earn</p><p>our worth or feel bad about being less than perfect. While there may still be things we want to</p><p>change about ourselves, we can practice accepting ourselves just as we are right now. To reinforce</p><p>that being imperfect is normal and acceptable, try using the exercise below.</p><p>Putting It All Together 213</p><p>Write down your imperfections or mistakes you have made in the left-hand column, and</p><p>then write a statement accepting these things.</p><p>Imperfection or mistake Statement of acceptance</p><p>I’m overweight. I accept my body the way it is. I don’t have to</p><p>be a size 2 to have worth.</p><p>I overcommitted myself, got stressed out,</p><p>and snapped at my coworker.</p><p>I accept that I’m imperfect and sometimes</p><p>make mistakes like overcommitting myself</p><p>and losing my temper. This doesn’t mean I’m</p><p>less of a person.</p><p>In addition to practicing ways to change your perfectionist thinking and behavior, accepting</p><p>your imperfections can be a powerful way to boost your confidence and mood, and this will help</p><p>keep you on the path to overcoming perfectionism.</p><p>Summary</p><p>Overcoming perfectionism is a process. Completing this workbook is a big step in making changes</p><p>to your perfectionist thoughts and behaviors and creating happy, fulfilling relationships, but it’s not</p><p>the end of the journey. You may find it useful to continue to use the exercises in this book—con-</p><p>sistently practicing them or returning to them as needed. In particular, self-compassion, noticing</p><p>partial successes, setting realistic expectations, visualizing success, and practicing self-care can</p><p>help you stay motivated. Continuing to practice these concepts and implementing them in your life</p><p>will give you the freedom to be imperfect—to be your authentic self.</p><p>AppendixA</p><p>Cognitive Distortions</p><p>All-or-nothing thinking You see things as absolutes, with no in-betweens.</p><p>Example: I’m stupid.</p><p>Mind reading You assume others are thinking the same thing you are.</p><p>Example: I’m sure I didn’t get the job because I’m too old.</p><p>Double standard You hold yourself to a higher standard than everyone else.</p><p>Example: I don’t mind if your desk is a mess, but I keep mine</p><p>neat and tidy.</p><p>Catastrophizing You expect the worst.</p><p>Example: I was late on the rent. I’m going to be evicted.</p><p>Labeling You label yourself negatively.</p><p>Example: I made a mistake. I’m a failure.</p><p>Magical thinking You think everything will be better when</p><p>(you’re thinner, smarter, or richer; you get a new job).</p><p>Example: I’ll meet Mr. Right once I lose twenty pounds.</p><p>Should Statements You judge yourself and criticize yourself for what you should</p><p>be doing.</p><p>Example: I should run five miles every day before work.</p><p>AppendixB</p><p>Questions for</p><p>Challenging</p><p>Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>• How do I know if this thought is accurate?</p><p>• What evidence do I have to support this thought or belief?</p><p>• Do I have a trusted friend whom I can check out these thoughts with?</p><p>• Is this thought helpful?</p><p>• Are there other ways that I can think of this situation or myself?</p><p>• Am I blaming myself unnecessarily?</p><p>• What or who else contributed to this situation?</p><p>• Is it really in my control?</p><p>• Am I overgeneralizing?</p><p>• Am I making assumptions?</p><p>• What would I say to a friend in this situation?</p><p>• Can I look for shades of gray?</p><p>• Am I assuming the worst?</p><p>• Am I holding myself to an unreasonable or double standard?</p><p>218 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• Are there exceptions to these absolutes (always, never)?</p><p>• Am I making this personal when it isn’t?</p><p>• Who gets to decide what I have to or should do?</p><p>• Does this align with my values?</p><p>• Is this a realistic expectation?</p><p>• Am I expecting myself to be perfect?</p><p>AppendixC</p><p>Feeling Words</p><p>220 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• calm</p><p>• peaceful</p><p>• at ease</p><p>• comfortable</p><p>• pleased</p><p>• encouraged</p><p>• clever</p><p>• surprised</p><p>• content</p><p>• quiet</p><p>• certain</p><p>• relaxed</p><p>• serene</p><p>• blessed</p><p>• reassured</p><p>• good</p><p>• strong</p><p>• secure</p><p>• impulsive</p><p>• free</p><p>• sure</p><p>• great</p><p>• fortunate</p><p>• rebellious</p><p>• bold</p><p>• anxious</p><p>• glad</p><p>• joyful</p><p>• playful</p><p>• courageous</p><p>• energetic</p><p>• optimistic</p><p>• provocative</p><p>• frisky</p><p>• animated</p><p>• spirited</p><p>• thrilled</p><p>• wonderful</p><p>• alive</p><p>• positive</p><p>• eager</p><p>• keen</p><p>• unique</p><p>• loved</p><p>• comforted</p><p>• thankful</p><p>• important</p><p>• festive</p><p>• understanding</p><p>• confident</p><p>• reliable</p><p>• amazed</p><p>• sympathetic</p><p>• interested</p><p>• satisfied</p><p>• receptive</p><p>• accepting</p><p>• kind</p><p>• happy</p><p>• loving</p><p>• considerate</p><p>• affectionate</p><p>• sensitive</p><p>• devoted</p><p>• attracted</p><p>• passionate</p><p>• admiration</p><p>• warm</p><p>• ecstatic</p><p>• lucky</p><p>• curious</p><p>• concerned</p><p>• inquisitive</p><p>• inspired</p><p>• determined</p><p>• excited</p><p>• enthusiastic</p><p>• elated</p><p>• cheerful</p><p>• touched</p><p>• challenged</p><p>• hopeful</p><p>• intrigued</p><p>• brave</p><p>Positive Feelings</p><p>Feeling Words 221</p><p>Uncomfortable Feelings</p><p>• angry</p><p>• helpless</p><p>• incapable</p><p>• alone</p><p>• paralyzed</p><p>• fatigued</p><p>• useless</p><p>• inferior</p><p>• vulnerable</p><p>• empty</p><p>• hesitant</p><p>• despair</p><p>• frustrated</p><p>• distressed</p><p>• pathetic</p><p>• hurt</p><p>• crushed</p><p>• tormented</p><p>• confused</p><p>• upset</p><p>• uncertain</p><p>• embarrassed</p><p>• shy</p><p>• disillusioned</p><p>• skeptical</p><p>• distrustful</p><p>• lost</p><p>• unsure</p><p>• uneasy</p><p>• pessimistic</p><p>• victimized</p><p>• heartbroken</p><p>• appalled</p><p>• humiliated</p><p>• wronged</p><p>• alienated</p><p>• indifferent</p><p>• unhappy</p><p>• lonely</p><p>• threatened</p><p>• deprived</p><p>• pained</p><p>• rejected</p><p>• offended</p><p>• reserved</p><p>• bored</p><p>• depressed</p><p>• lousy</p><p>• disappointed</p><p>• discouraged</p><p>• ashamed</p><p>• powerless</p><p>• guilty</p><p>• dissatisfied</p><p>• miserable</p><p>• disgusting</p><p>• terrible</p><p>• tense</p><p>• sad</p><p>• tearful</p><p>• sorrowful</p><p>• irritated</p><p>• enraged</p><p>• hostile</p><p>• annoyed</p><p>• hateful</p><p>• offensive</p><p>• bitter</p><p>• aggressive</p><p>• resentful</p><p>• preoccupied</p><p>• cold</p><p>• provoked</p><p>• infuriated</p><p>• indignant</p><p>• afraid</p><p>• fearful</p><p>• terrified</p><p>• suspicious</p><p>• anxious</p><p>• scared</p><p>• worried</p><p>• desperate</p><p>• panic</p><p>• nervous</p><p>• restless</p><p>• shaky</p><p>AppendixD</p><p>Self-Care Activities</p><p>• Sit outside and enjoy nature</p><p>• Have coffee with a friend</p><p>• Do a guided meditation</p><p>• Watch the sunrise or sunset</p><p>• Journal</p><p>• Color</p><p>• Read a good book</p><p>• Knit or crochet</p><p>• Listen to a podcast</p><p>• Take a nap</p><p>• Practice deep breathing</p><p>• Call a friend</p><p>• Take a vacation day</p><p>• Walk along the ocean</p><p>• Blow bubbles</p><p>• Pet your cat or dog</p><p>• Take yourself out to lunch</p><p>• Doodle</p><p>• Cuddle with your partner</p><p>• Speak up for yourself</p><p>• Take a real lunch break during the</p><p>workday</p><p>• Go to a religious service</p><p>• Go to bed on time</p><p>• Write yourself a love letter</p><p>• Do a crossword puzzle</p><p>• Go to the library</p><p>• Have a snack</p><p>• Do just one thing at a time</p><p>• Take photos</p><p>• Sit in silence and do nothing</p><p>• Reread a favorite book from childhood</p><p>• Feed the ducks</p><p>224 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• Say no to something you don’t want to do</p><p>• Stargaze</p><p>• Take a class because you want to</p><p>• Have a family game night</p><p>• Take a bubble bath</p><p>• Pray</p><p>• Talk to a therapist</p><p>• Take medication as prescribed</p><p>• Eat a healthy meal</p><p>• Pick f lowers in your garden</p><p>• Crank up the music and sing along</p><p>• Practice yoga</p><p>• Watch a funny YouTube video</p><p>• Play the piano, guitar, or another</p><p>instrument</p><p>• Dance</p><p>• Bike ride</p><p>• Light a scented candle or diffuse essential</p><p>oils</p><p>• Play with your dog</p><p>• Hike</p><p>• Pull weeds in your garden or water your</p><p>plants</p><p>• Make something</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>•</p><p>References</p><p>Aron, E. N. 1998. The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. New</p><p>York: Harmony Books.</p><p>Aron, E. N. 2004. “Comfort Zone” (newsletter). The Highly Sensitive Person, http://www.hsper</p><p>son.com/pages/edAug04.htm.</p><p>Brown, B. 2012. Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live,</p><p>Love, Parent, and Lead. New York: Gotham.</p><p>Chua, A. 2011. Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. London: Bloomsbury.</p><p>Emmons, R. A., and M. E. McCullough. 2003. “Counting Blessings Versus Burdens: An</p><p>Experimental Investigation of Gratitude and Subjective Well-Being in Daily Life.” Journal of</p><p>Personality and Social Psychology 84, no. 2: 377–89.</p><p>Gottman, J., and N. Silver. 2015. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide</p><p>from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. New York: Harmony Books.</p><p>Hewitt, P. L., and G. L. Flett. 1991. “Perfectionism in the Self and Social Contexts:</p><p>Conceptualization, Assessment, and Association with Psychopathology.” Journal of Personality</p><p>and Social Psychology 60, no. 3: 456–70.</p><p>Hewitt, P. L., G. L. Flett, and S. F. Mikail. 2017. Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to</p><p>Conceptualization, Assessment, and Treatment. New York: Guilford Press.</p><p>Lowes, J., and M. Tiggemann. 2003. “Body Dissatisfaction, Dieting Awareness and the Impact of</p><p>Parental Influence in Young Children.” The British Journal of Health Psychology 8: 135–47.</p><p>Neff, K. 2011. Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. New York: HarperCollins.</p><p>Pai, S., and K. Schryver. 2015. Children, Teens, Media, and Body Image. San Francisco: Common</p><p>Sense Media.</p><p>Seligman, M. E. P., T. A. Steen, N. Park, and C. Peterson. 2005. “Positive Psychology Progress:</p><p>Empirical Validation of Interventions.” American Psychologist 60, no. 5: 410–21.</p><p>Sharon Martin, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, writer, speaker, and media contributor on</p><p>emotional health and relationships. Her psychotherapy practice in San Jose, CA, specializes in</p><p>helping individuals overcome codependency and perfectionism, and learn to accept and love</p><p>themselves.</p><p>Foreword writer Julie de Azevedo Hanks, PhD, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, licensed clinical</p><p>social worker, author of The Burnout Cure and The Assertiveness Guide for Women, and founder and</p><p>director of Wasatch Family Therapy.</p><p>MOR E BOOK S from</p><p>NE W H A R BI NGER PU BLICATIONS</p><p>(VISA, MC, AMEX / prices subject to change without notice)</p><p>1-800-748-6273 / newharbinger.com</p><p>ne w h a r b i n g e r pub l i ca t i ons</p><p>Follow Us</p><p>Don’t miss out on new books in the subjects that interest you.</p><p>Sign up for our Book Alerts at newharbinger.com/bookalerts</p><p>END THE INSOMNIA</p><p>STRUGGLE</p><p>A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You</p><p>Get to Sleep & Stay Asleep</p><p>978-1626253438 / US $24.95</p><p>THE STRESS-PROOF BRAIN</p><p>Master Your Emotional Response</p><p>to Stress Using Mindfulness</p><p>& Neuroplasticity</p><p>978-1626252660 / US $17.95</p><p>THE WORRY TRICK</p><p>How Your Brain Tricks You into</p><p>Expecting the Worst & What You</p><p>Can Do About It</p><p>978-1626253186 / US $16.95</p><p>DISARMING THE NARCISSIST,</p><p>SECOND EDITION</p><p>Surviving & Thriving with</p><p>the Self-Absorbed</p><p>978-1608827602 / US $17.95</p><p>ANXIETY HAPPENS</p><p>52 Ways to Find Peace of Mind</p><p>978-1684031108 / US $14.95</p><p>WHEN PERFECT ISN’T GOOD</p><p>ENOUGH, SECOND EDITION</p><p>Strategies for Coping</p><p>with Perfectionism</p><p>978-1572245594 / US $19.95</p><p>Perfectionism</p><p>Evidence-Based Skills to</p><p>Help You Let Go of Self-Criticism,</p><p>Build Self-Esteem & Find Balance</p><p>A STEP-BY-STEP APPROACH TO HELP YOU:</p><p>Stop People-Pleasing n Avoid Stress & Burnout</p><p>Overcome Your Need for Control n End Procrastination</p><p>Find the Courage to Try New Things</p><p>SHARON MART IN , MSW, LCSW</p><p>F O R E W O R D B Y J U L I E D E A Z E V E D O H A N K S , P h D</p><p>A N E W H A R B I N G E R S E L F - H E L P W O R K B O O K</p><p>The CBT</p><p>Workbook for</p><p>The CBT W</p><p>orkbook for Perfectionism</p><p>M</p><p>ARTIN</p><p>SHARON MARTIN, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, mental health writer, and</p><p>media contributor specializing in perfectionism, self-esteem, and healthy relationships,</p><p>with a practice in San Jose, CA.</p><p>Don’t Let Perfectionism Take Over Your Life</p><p>Do you hold yourself—and perhaps others—to extremely high standards? Do you have</p><p>a nagging inner-critic that tells you you’re inadequate no matter how much you achieve?</p><p>If the answer to one or both of these questions is a resounding “yes,” chances are you’re</p><p>a perfectionist. And while there’s nothing wrong with working hard and having high</p><p>standards, needing to be perfect can also get in the way of your happiness and take over</p><p>your life. So, how can you find balance?</p><p>With this workbook, you’ll identify the root causes of your perfectionism, and</p><p>uncover how your need to be perfect has been negatively impacting your life and your</p><p>relationships. Rather than measuring your self-worth by “error-free” productivity and</p><p>accomplishments, you’ll learn to exercise self-compassion, and extend that compassion</p><p>to others. Finally, you’ll discover ways to move past your need for perfection and stop</p><p>focusing on achieving fixed goals. If you’re ready to break free from perfectionism and</p><p>start living a richer, fuller life, this workbook will help you get started.</p><p>“Perfectionists, procrastinators, and people-pleasers take note. There is a new book</p><p>available that can change how you live your life! … You will find enormous comfort and</p><p>guidance in this well-thought-out, highly structured workbook.”</p><p>—Jonice Webb, PhD, bestselling author of Running on Empty</p><p>“There’s no better book on the market that offers such practical advice and exercises</p><p>for someone who wants better control over their perfectionism.”</p><p>—John M. Grohol, PsyD, founder and editor-in-chief of PsychCentral.com</p><p>SELF-HELP</p><p>newharbingerpublications</p><p>www.newharb inger . com</p><p>Foreword</p><p>Acknowledgments</p><p>Introduction</p><p>Chapter 1. What Is Perfectionism?</p><p>Chapter 2. What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life</p><p>Chapter 3. Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism</p><p>Chapter 4. From Fear to Courage</p><p>Chapter 5. From Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion</p><p>Chapter 6. From Procrastinating to Getting Things Done</p><p>Chapter 7. From Busy to Mindfully Present</p><p>Chapter 8. From People-Pleasing to Being Assertive</p><p>Chapter 9. From Anger to Peace</p><p>Chapter 10. From Criticizing to Accepting Others</p><p>Chapter 11. From Guilt to Self-Care</p><p>Chapter 12. From Shame to Connection</p><p>Chapter 13. Putting It All Together</p><p>Appendix A. Cognitive Distortions</p><p>Appendix B. Questions for Challenging Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>Appendix C. Feeling Words</p><p>Appendix D. Self-Care Activities</p><p>References</p><p>and high levels of criticism. And both high standards and criticism can be directed</p><p>toward yourself or toward others (or both). People often have a combination of the three perfec-</p><p>tionist personality traits. For example, earlier in the chapter, I told you about Jeremy, who had all</p><p>three traits: He demanded perfection from himself, worked too much, and was self-critical. He</p><p>criticized the nurses and gave no allowances for their mistakes. And his parents imposed unrealis-</p><p>tically high expectations.</p><p>Perfectionism can impact any or all of these areas:</p><p>• Professional accomplishments: You work nonstop and expect professional achieve-</p><p>ments like earning promotions, winning the biggest accounts, being the top salesperson,</p><p>and having financial success.</p><p>• Parenting: You expect that you and your spouse or partner will be perfect parents, and</p><p>you demand perfection from your children. You want it to seem like parenting is always</p><p>fun and easy and like your children are successful in all they do.</p><p>• Body, weight, or physical appearance: You’re highly critical of and preoccupied with</p><p>what you look like and being judged based on your appearance, and you never feel thin</p><p>enough, tall enough, toned enough, or attractive enough.</p><p>10 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>• Academic performance: When in school, you expected to get more than a 4.0 GPA</p><p>and be valedictorian, and you believed your future success rested on your academic</p><p>performance.</p><p>• Athletic abilities or fitness: Sports and fitness aren’t things you pursue for fun or simply</p><p>to stay in shape. You’re a driven athlete, expecting yourself to excel in all athletic pursuits.</p><p>You compete competitively, constantly raising the bar, and pushing yourself beyond the</p><p>limits of most people of similar age or fitness level.</p><p>• Physical environment: You expect your home and office to be neat, clean, and orderly.</p><p>You might consider yourself a neat freak and feel anxious and overwhelmed when things</p><p>are disorganized, not in their proper place, or messy. Your need for order and cleanliness</p><p>can be so compelling that you have to clean and straighten your physical environment</p><p>before you can relax, engage in meaningful conversation, or attend to other tasks.</p><p>• The “perfect” life: You need your life, family, and self to appear perfect and shiny on the</p><p>outside—so everyone can see how wonderful it is. You want your home to look like it</p><p>belongs on the cover of a home decor magazine, your children to behave impeccably, your</p><p>clothes to be of the newest designer labels, and your marriage or relationship to be a pic-</p><p>ture-perfect romance with your soul mate.</p><p>Where do you notice perfectionism in your life?</p><p>Perfectionist Thinking</p><p>Perfectionism shows up in our thinking as well as our behavior. Throughout this book, I’ll share</p><p>more about the connection between your thoughts, feelings, and actions and, in particular, how</p><p>What Is Perfectionism? 11</p><p>changing your thoughts can lead to behavior change. For now, let’s begin to get a sense of what</p><p>perfectionist thinking sounds like.</p><p>Perfectionists tend to see things as black or white; they define themselves and their actions as</p><p>absolutes. “If I don’t succeed at this, I’m a failure”—there’s no middle ground to a perfectionist.</p><p>Clearly, no one wants to be whatever negative label you’re assigning to yourself (failure, loser, fat,</p><p>stupid, lazy), so the only alternative, according to this way of thinking, is to impose more pressure</p><p>and higher demands and become intolerant of mistakes, imperfections, or anything that keeps you</p><p>from being the top performer.</p><p>Perfectionists believe that if they don’t strive for perfection, they’ll end up being mediocre.</p><p>And mediocrity really means inferiority to a perfectionist.</p><p>Perfectionists overemphasize their weaknesses and underestimate their strengths. We have an</p><p>easier time noticing mistakes or f laws and a harder time noticing our strengths. For example, you</p><p>might discount the ten things you completed on your to-do list and only focus on and berate your-</p><p>self for the one thing left undone. Or you might do the same to your spouse when you come home</p><p>and immediately notice the dishes in the sink and kids’ jackets strewn across the f loor but fail to</p><p>notice that your wife fed the kids, gave them baths, and has them tucked into bed. You’re filtering</p><p>out the positives.</p><p>Perfectionist thinking is based on a belief that we’re inadequate: “I’m not enough, and the only</p><p>way to be enough is to accomplish .” This way of thinking means we always</p><p>have to work to prove ourselves. We can never stop working, because as soon as we accomplish</p><p>today’s goal, we’ll set a new one, and on and on. Perfectionist thinking sets us up to spend our days</p><p>on the perfectionism hamster wheel. We’re always chasing our self-worth, but we’ll never find it as</p><p>a perfectionist, because being perfect is an impossibility.</p><p>Jot down a few examples of your perfectionist thinking.</p><p>12 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Summary</p><p>As you know, perfectionism can be a stressful experience. It’s riddled with painfully high stan-</p><p>dards, the false belief that achievement determines our self-worth, and fear. Now that we’ve identi-</p><p>fied some of the most common aspects of perfectionism and how it manifests in our actions and</p><p>thinking, we’re ready to delve deeper into understanding and changing your particular perfection-</p><p>ist behaviors. In chapter 2, you’ll identify the specific ways that perfectionism shows up in your life.</p><p>This will help you target your change efforts to address the areas where perfectionism is causing</p><p>you the most problems.</p><p>Chapter2</p><p>What Perfectionism</p><p>Looks Like in Your Life</p><p>In chapter 1, we took a look at what perfectionism looks like in general. Now, we’ll turn our</p><p>attention to what perfectionism looks like for you specifically and how it may be negatively</p><p>impacting your life. Having a clear understanding of your perfectionist traits and the result-</p><p>ing problems will help you focus your change efforts on your particular areas of struggle. And</p><p>lastly, we’ll explore the benefits of perfectionism, so you can moderate, rather than completely</p><p>discard, those aspects of your perfectionism that serve you well.</p><p>Identifying Your Perfectionist Traits</p><p>Perfectionism looks a little different for everyone. Some of your perfectionist traits may be</p><p>obvious to you, but you may uncover some other perfectionist traits that are more subtle or</p><p>hidden through the checklist and questions in this chapter.</p><p>The perfectionist traits checklist that follows isn’t a test that will be scored. It’s not designed</p><p>to tell you definitively whether you’re a perfectionist or not. Perfectionism isn’t an all-or-noth-</p><p>ing characteristic; there isn’t a threshold that says if you have X number of these traits, you’re</p><p>officially a perfectionist. In fact, it doesn’t actually matter how many of the traits you check off.</p><p>14 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>My aim is to provide you with insights into yourself, so you can work on changing the particular</p><p>perfectionist behaviors and thought patterns that get in the way of you living a fulfilling life.</p><p>Which of these traits describe you?</p><p>� You set exceptionally high standards for yourself.</p><p>� You have high standards for others and find they often don’t live up to them.</p><p>� You feel others have unrealistic expectations of you.</p><p>� You’re concerned about errors or mistakes.</p><p>� You’re goal driven.</p><p>� You never feel satisfied; there’s always more to do or accomplish.</p><p>� You’re sensitive to criticism and try to avoid it.</p><p>� You’re detail oriented.</p><p>� You’re highly self-critical.</p><p>� You’re critical of others.</p><p>� You’re afraid of disappointing people.</p><p>� Your expectations are often unrealistic, leading to disappointment or frustration.</p><p>� You’re always busy.</p><p>� You rarely take a sick day.</p><p>� You crave organization, lists, planners, charts, and data.</p><p>� You try to avoid making mistakes, and you see them as bad.</p><p>� You dwell on your mistakes and imperfections.</p><p>� You base your worth as a person on your accomplishments.</p><p>� Even when you succeed, you feel like it’s not enough or that you could have done</p><p>better.</p><p>� You’d rather do things yourself than have someone else do them “wrong.”</p><p>� Sometimes it takes you a long time to finish things, because you redo, check, and</p><p>try to make them perfect.</p><p>� You worry a lot about what people think of you.</p><p>� You try to avoid conflicts.</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 15</p><p>� You procrastinate or don’t start things, because you don’t think you can do them</p><p>perfectly.</p><p>� People have judged you harshly in the past.</p><p>� You’re afraid to fail.</p><p>� You feel angry or resentful.</p><p>� You feel defective or flawed.</p><p>� A change of plans can be upsetting to you.</p><p>� You ruminate or overthink things.</p><p>� You have stress-related health problems such as headaches, gastrointestinal</p><p>problems, or high blood pressure.</p><p>� You play it safe.</p><p>� You don’t like to try new things, especially when there’s a chance of</p><p>embarrassment, incompetence, or not being as good as everyone else.</p><p>� You’re a workaholic, putting in long hours and missing out on leisure activities</p><p>because you have to work.</p><p>� You have a hard time relaxing.</p><p>� You have insomnia or trouble sleeping.</p><p>� You have trouble being happy for others’ success.</p><p>� You don’t like to share your weaknesses or vulnerabilities with others.</p><p>� You tend to feel tense, stressed, or anxious.</p><p>� You need to win at all costs.</p><p>� You think that if you were really smart or talented, you wouldn’t have to work so</p><p>hard.</p><p>� You demand a lot of others.</p><p>� You’re frequently disappointed when people fail to meet your expectations.</p><p>� You have difficulty being spontaneous.</p><p>� You believe that a single failure or flaw defines you.</p><p>� You want to feel in control at all times.</p><p>� Despite many signs of success, you don’t actually feel successful.</p><p>16 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Which perfectionist traits cause you the most distress? Identify the three to five most</p><p>problematic traits you have, and describe how often you experience them.</p><p>How Does Your Perfectionism Impact</p><p>Your Life?</p><p>Let’s take a look at how your perfectionist traits are impacting your life in order to get a clearer</p><p>picture of how your life can improve by being more compassionate and realistic.</p><p>Stress</p><p>I have never met a perfectionist who wasn’t stressed! When things are going well—you’re</p><p>achieving your goals, and life is generally going as planned—perfectionism may not cause you</p><p>many obvious problems. But if it’s your nature to demand a lot from yourself, work harder than</p><p>most, and sacrifice sleep and rest to fulfill one more obligation or do one more thing, you’re going</p><p>to feel stressed, due to the pressure you put on yourself both emotionally and physically.</p><p>Stress can show up in our bodies as aches and pains, insomnia and trouble sleeping, gastroin-</p><p>testinal problems, muscles tension, and low energy. Stress also impacts our mood, contributing to</p><p>anxiety, depression, and a short temper. Some perfectionists have trouble managing their emotions</p><p>when they get angry, disappointed, or frustrated, and others shut themselves off from their</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 17</p><p>feelings. You may blow up over seemingly small problems or changes. Or you may go the opposite</p><p>route, becoming quite unemotional, because you’re trying to cope by ignoring, distracting, or</p><p>numbing yourself to avoid feeling the things that stress you out. Neither is an effective way to deal</p><p>with your feelings. A build-up of negative feelings (anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration, fear,</p><p>sadness) contributes not only to stress and tension but also to larger problems like anxiety and</p><p>depression.</p><p>Perfectionists also tend to struggle even more than the average person when life takes an unex-</p><p>pected turn, whether it’s moving, the death of a loved one, the stock market plummeting, or failing</p><p>to meet a goal. We often have a hard time recovering from setbacks such as these, because we’re apt</p><p>to focus on the negatives, let single events define us, and think in rigid, all-or-nothing parameters.</p><p>These things make it tough for us to roll with the punches and adjust when life feels out of control</p><p>or just isn’t going the way we’d hoped or expected. As a result, we seem to overreact when we expe-</p><p>rience disappointments, failures, or unplanned events.</p><p>Even though I’ve come a long way with my own perfectionism, I still find it challenging to</p><p>quiet my mind. I tend to have so many ideas and worries that my brain is in overdrive. (Later in the</p><p>book, I’ll share with you some of the techniques I use to stop worrying and relax.) This is common</p><p>among perfectionists and overachievers—we have busy minds, which is not surprising, given all</p><p>the balls we’re juggling. And we tend to overthink things, as well as to ruminate or think about the</p><p>same things over and over again, which not only interferes with productivity but also increases our</p><p>stress level. For me, this shows up as difficulty making decisions. When we believe it’s imperative</p><p>that we choose the perfect color to paint the house or the perfect outfit to wear to an important</p><p>meeting, it gets overwhelming and analysis paralysis can set in. We agonize about needing to get</p><p>it right, as if there is only one nice color to paint the house or wearing the wrong suit will have dire</p><p>consequences.</p><p>How does the stress of perfectionism negatively impact your health? Do you have physical</p><p>symptoms, like trouble sleeping, headaches, backaches, or gastrointestinal issues? Does</p><p>stress exacerbate a chronic illness or medical condition?</p><p>18 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What about mental health concerns like feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger? Do you</p><p>think stress contributes to those?</p><p>When you encounter setbacks, how do you typically feel? And how do you respond?</p><p>Do you experience overthinking or difficulty making decisions?</p><p>Work-Life Balance</p><p>Working eighty hours a week is exhausting, no matter whether it’s at an office, as a volunteer,</p><p>or as a caregiver and household manager for your family. One of the natural consequences of</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 19</p><p>working so much is that we don’t have time or energy for other things, such as hobbies, relation-</p><p>ships, fun and play, vacations, or daily rest and relaxation. We simply can’t do everything, and as</p><p>perfectionists, we often choose work or put other people’s needs above our own. You may be think-</p><p>ing, Work is important, and I put in all those hours because I have to. Sometimes working long hours is</p><p>necessary, but perfectionists tend to work excessively, either out of duty and not wanting to disap-</p><p>point people or because they genuinely love to work and get great satisfaction from a job well done.</p><p>In either case, there are often changes that we can make to bring our lives into better balance. Mei</p><p>and Chris, both overworked teachers, illustrate how work and personal life can be out of balance</p><p>when perfectionists feel driven to work excessively.</p><p>Mei’sStory</p><p>Mei is an enthusiastic young fifth-grade teacher at an urban public school. She</p><p>routinely gets to school at six thirty in the morning in order to do lesson planning</p><p>and grading. She has an open-door policy, which means her students can stop by</p><p>before school, during lunch, or after school for extra help. During most lunch</p><p>periods, Mei has a group of girls come to eat lunch and chat with her. Between</p><p>meetings, straightening up her classroom, and directing the school musical, it’s</p><p>unusual if she leaves school before six. Evenings and weekends are spent grading</p><p>papers, making costumes, and learning creative new approaches to teach her</p><p>students. Mei loves her job and her students. She sees teaching as her calling and</p><p>feels it’s essential that she’s a</p><p>positive role model and inspiration, as many of her</p><p>students don’t have anyone at home who encourages their academic and emotional</p><p>growth. Mei gave up on dating, because she doesn’t have time, and her friends have</p><p>stopped calling, because she always turns down their invitations to happy hour or</p><p>weekend barbeques. At this point, her social life consists of dinner with her parents</p><p>on Sunday nights.</p><p>Chris’sStory</p><p>Of course, not everyone who spends a lot of time at work enjoys it. Chris is a</p><p>committed high school math teacher who also puts in long hours. Unlike Mei, he</p><p>resents having to spend his evenings and weekends working. He’d rather be</p><p>spending time with his wife and kids or restoring classic cars with his brother.</p><p>Everything about his job seems to irritate Chris—he can’t take a real lunch break, the</p><p>students are disruptive and unmotivated, and the parents expect an immediate</p><p>response to their frequent e-mails. Chris had to give up his morning run when he</p><p>got roped into coaching swimming before school four days a week. However, Chris</p><p>20 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>made a commitment to teaching for two more years, and he’ll see it through despite</p><p>feeling resentful and burned-out.</p><p>Perfectionists are workhorses, and despite our fatigue and overwhelm, people count on us to</p><p>get things done—and we generally come through for them. You may work nonstop because you</p><p>love it, like Mei, or out of obligation or fear, like Chris, but the end result is always that our per-</p><p>sonal life, our hobbies, and our fun and self-care fall by the wayside.</p><p>Another challenge that perfectionists often have with hobbies and recreation is that we turn</p><p>them into competitions and situations where we feel compelled to excel and prove our worth. So</p><p>we might take a casual weekend soccer game and turn it into a competition; we get fixated on</p><p>winning, playing by the rules, or micromanaging the game. Or we take a painting class with a</p><p>friend, and instead of going with the f low, we want our painting to be exactly like the example.</p><p>This can suck the fun right out of activities that are meant to be low-key opportunities to kick</p><p>back, relax, and bond with our friends and family.</p><p>What would happen if you worked less?</p><p>What drives you to work so much?</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 21</p><p>What are you giving up in order to work so much?</p><p>What do you do for fun? What do you do to relax? Do you prioritize time for hobbies or</p><p>relaxation?</p><p>Can you keep a hobby light and fun, or does it turn into a competitive or perfectionist</p><p>endeavor?</p><p>22 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Are there things that you used to do for fun, but now you’ve quit, because you don’t have</p><p>time or it doesn’t seem important?</p><p>Missed Opportunities</p><p>In addition to our busyness, we miss out on a lot of life’s pleasures because of fear. Our fears can</p><p>be so deep that we actually convince ourselves that we don’t want to do things rather than tap into</p><p>the awareness that we’re afraid of failure, embarrassment, criticism, rejection, and not being as good</p><p>as everyone else. These fears can prevent us from doing specific things, like public speaking or</p><p>joining a community softball league. And despite being high achievers, our fears hold us back from</p><p>doing things that might enhance our lives. These could be business opportunities, forming new</p><p>relationships, traveling, or hobbies. We like to stick to things we know we’re good at; this way, we’re</p><p>assured success and accolades (or at least not embarrassment and criticism). Because our self-worth</p><p>hinges on our performance, we work really hard at avoiding things that are new and different.</p><p>Think about things you’re not doing because you might not be good at them. Do you avoid</p><p>joining the softball team because you might look foolish? Have you given up on dating because</p><p>you’re tired of the rejection? Do you avoid parties and get-togethers because they’re a waste of time?</p><p>How do you play it safe in your life? Are there opportunities that you’ve passed up or</p><p>things you’ve quit or haven’t even bothered trying because you might not be good at</p><p>them?</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 23</p><p>The flip side is that we may also continue to do unsatisfying things for the same reasons—fear</p><p>of failure, embarrassment, criticism, rejection, and not being as good as everyone else. Chris, the</p><p>high school teacher, is a good example of this. He’s clearly unhappy in his job, but he stays, because</p><p>it’s what he’s always done and he knows he’s good at it. Starting over with a new job or career feels</p><p>daunting. Sometimes we choose the devil we know over the uncertainty of making a change. In</p><p>these circumstances, our perfectionism and pursuit of achievement above all else can keep us from</p><p>pursuing new opportunities that could lead to growth, creativity, greater success, and satisfaction.</p><p>Are there things that you continue to do or relationships you maintain because you’re</p><p>afraid a change will be worse than what you’re doing now?</p><p>Relationships</p><p>Relationships are another area where we pay a steep price for our perfectionism. First, we gen-</p><p>erally don’t prioritize our relationships. We’re all about work first and play later. And let’s be</p><p>honest, the work never ends, so we don’t play! Fear and busyness cause us to put relationships, like</p><p>hobbies, into the “unnecessary” category. But this leaves us unsatisfied and questioning what’s</p><p>wrong with us.</p><p>Being connected to and accepted by others is a universal human desire. Humans were designed</p><p>to depend on each other and live in community. But over the years, across Western culture, and</p><p>particularly in America, we’ve promoted work, individual achievement, and independence over</p><p>interdependence, cooperation, and balanced living. Our fierce independence has translated into</p><p>permission to work ourselves to death, pushing people away and insisting that we can do it all</p><p>ourselves.</p><p>24 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Understandably, it sometimes feels easier to do everything ourselves. When we rely on others,</p><p>we can be let down and frustrated, but focusing on achievement over relationships can be a lonely</p><p>and painful experience. We all want to feel understood, loved, and needed. We want to care for</p><p>others and be cared for. We want to belong. Perfectionism can be a barrier to connection by making</p><p>us feel separate, different, and less than.</p><p>Relationships require our emotional and physical presence. Our relationships will suffer if</p><p>we’re putting the bulk of our time and energy into working, training, or pursuing our next goal.</p><p>We can get so busy or goal driven that we don’t prioritize quality time with our friends or family.</p><p>Some perfectionists are physically present in their relationships, but mentally distracted. Your</p><p>mind may be caught up in ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. Or you may just</p><p>be juggling so many things that you’re perpetually distracted. It’s entirely possible to be in the same</p><p>physical space but not be connected to others. In chapter 1, I told you about Laurie, whose husband</p><p>just wanted her to sit down and watch an entire movie with him. He wanted to connect with her,</p><p>put his head on her lap, and laugh at the same jokes with her. Instead, she would take out her laptop</p><p>and multitask or get up to wash some dishes. Her husband felt rejected and taken for granted. It</p><p>didn’t seem like Laurie really cared about spending time with him.</p><p>Have you neglected your relationships? Do you spend quality time with your partner or</p><p>family? Have you lost touch with friends because you’re too busy?</p><p>In addition to quality time, relationships also require vulnerability. You may be married and</p><p>have plenty of friends but wonder if you feel truly connected to them. In these cases, perfectionism</p><p>can act as a shield that we</p><p>use to keep people—our coworkers, our family, our friends, even our</p><p>spouse and children—at a distance, allowing them to see only the parts of us that we feel are</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 25</p><p>perfect or pleasing. But relationships without depth and vulnerability can feel shallow and leave us</p><p>questioning whether we’re truly loved and accepted. Deep inside, we may still be afraid that if we</p><p>show our messy, imperfect selves, we won’t be loved. That fear of not being good enough convinces</p><p>us to keep the imperfect pieces of ourselves hidden.</p><p>Do your friends and family know the real you? Do you share your secrets and intimate</p><p>thoughts and dreams, or do you tend keep relationships superficial? Do you confide in</p><p>others about your struggles, worries, and failures?</p><p>Do you worry about what your friends and family would think if they knew your inner</p><p>thoughts or missteps?</p><p>26 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>If perfectionism has been a barrier to deep connection with others, how have your</p><p>relationships suffered as a result?</p><p>Perfectionists can also be quite critical of others. If we demand perfection from our spouse,</p><p>kids, or coworkers, we’re probably frequently frustrated with them, and this frustration often comes</p><p>out as criticism. Frequent and harsh criticism hurts relationships. It doesn’t feel good to be criti-</p><p>cized. People will naturally pull away from someone who is always pointing out their f laws and</p><p>telling them they’re doing things wrong. People may tiptoe around, afraid to upset us, feeling like</p><p>they can’t be themselves around us because of our intolerance for imperfection. Our friends and</p><p>family may be outwardly angry with us for the way we criticize them. Or, more likely, they put up</p><p>with our perfectionist criticism but are secretly resentful of it. Our critical and controlling behav-</p><p>iors may or may not be effective at getting others to behave as we feel they should, but odds are,</p><p>they’re damaging our relationships.</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 27</p><p>How have your relationships been negatively affected by your critical and controlling</p><p>behaviors? If you’re not sure, consider telling your close friends and family that you are</p><p>working on changing and that it would be helpful to understand how your criticism</p><p>impacts them. Or try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how it might feel to be</p><p>criticized regularly.</p><p>Might your relationships be better if you could be more accepting of other people’s</p><p>imperfections? How?</p><p>28 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>What Perfectionist Traits Do You Most</p><p>Want to Change?</p><p>As we move through this book, we’ll take an even deeper look at the major ways that perfectionism</p><p>costs us physical health, relationships, fun, opportunities, creativity, peace of mind, deep connec-</p><p>tion with others, and self-acceptance. And we’ll learn ways we can change these patterns.</p><p>Before we move on, try to identify a few of the changes you most want to make.</p><p>What do you do as a perfectionist that you’d like to stop doing?</p><p>What does perfectionism prevent you from doing? Is there an opportunity you’d pursue or</p><p>a risk you would take if perfectionism weren’t standing in your way?</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 29</p><p>Which of your relationships do you most want to change or repair?</p><p>Does Your Perfectionism Have Any Benefits?</p><p>To be fair, perfectionism isn’t all bad. I want to assure you that the goal of this book isn’t for you to</p><p>throw out all of the traits that have contributed to your success and accomplishments. Many of</p><p>them are beneficial, and with modification, they can be important pieces of creating the life you</p><p>want.</p><p>However, as we’ve noted, perfection isn’t achievable, and in trying to pursue it, we often create</p><p>a great deal of suffering for ourselves and others. But with some tweaks, we can be successful and</p><p>fulfilled. It’s important that we distinguish unhealthy perfectionism from healthy striving for</p><p>excellence and hard work. So, let’s consider which aspects of your perfectionism are worth keeping</p><p>and how we can adjust them to work better for you.</p><p>How is perfectionism helpful or beneficial to you?</p><p>30 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Which perfectionist traits are you reluctant to give up?</p><p>What concerns you about giving up perfectionism? Do you think you can still achieve your</p><p>goals without perfectionism?</p><p>What Perfectionism Looks Like in Your Life 31</p><p>How do you think your life might be better if you could tame your perfectionism?</p><p>Summary</p><p>Many of you have been willing to pay the steep price that comes with perfectionism, but you picked</p><p>up this book because perfectionism also causes some problems in your life. Now that you’ve got a</p><p>clearer picture of how perfectionism can contribute to stress, overworking, missed opportunities,</p><p>and feeling disconnected and lonely, you’re probably able to see how modifying some of your per-</p><p>fectionist traits can bring more contentment to your life. Moving forward, we’re going to look at</p><p>where these perfectionist traits came from. Gaining a greater understanding of the roots of our</p><p>perfectionism can help us to be both more self-compassionate and more adept at changing them.</p><p>Chapter3</p><p>Uncovering the Roots</p><p>of Your Perfectionism</p><p>It’s normal to want to understand where your perfectionist traits originated. People are</p><p>complex, and there isn’t one single cause of perfectionism. Your present self is a complicated</p><p>and synergistic combination of your biology and experiences. As we explore the roots of per-</p><p>fectionism, we’ll specifically look at how your childhood experiences, including your gender,</p><p>culture, and the way you were parented, impacted your beliefs about yourself and the expecta-</p><p>tions you have for yourself.</p><p>Many perfectionists grew up with unrealistic expectations from parents or caretakers, or</p><p>even themselves. Often, perfectionism is encouraged in families, communities, and institu-</p><p>tions. Sometimes parents require straight As in school and flawless piano recitals; they know-</p><p>ingly or unknowingly establish perfection as the standard. For other children, perfectionism</p><p>is self-imposed. Your parents may not have expected perfection, but you set this standard for</p><p>yourself as a result of the culture and community expectations that surrounded you.</p><p>When no one explicitly accepts you just as you are—when you always feel you must earn</p><p>or prove your worth—you turn to achievement as a measure of self-worth. I want to help you</p><p>untangle this connection. Your achievements are not who you are. Success is not a measure of</p><p>your worth. You are so much more than your resume or a shelf full of trophies.</p><p>34 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>Childhood Experiences</p><p>We all hold certain beliefs about ourselves. You might see yourself as hardworking or overly sensi-</p><p>tive or capable or not creative. You’re probably aware of some of these beliefs, but many are in our</p><p>subconscious and influence our thinking and actions without us realizing they’re even there.</p><p>Your parents or primary caregivers were the single biggest influences on how you came to see</p><p>yourself. Young children believe what their parents tell them. If an adult tells a small child that he</p><p>or she is a failure, not smart enough, too fat, or not talented, the child will accept this as fact and</p><p>internalize these beliefs about himself or herself. The child then continues to unconsciously find</p><p>evidence to support this belief. So, if your mother has been telling you that you’re fat since you were</p><p>four years old, you probably still think you’re unattractive or overweight, or you worry about your</p><p>weight (unless you’ve worked hard to undo this belief). This was the case for Kayla. These</p><p>early</p><p>messages from her mother became ingrained, because she unconsciously reinforced them by repeat-</p><p>ing them to herself and assuming that others thought the same. For example, she misinterpreted</p><p>her dear friend’s aloof response to her new outfit as critical when, in reality, her friend was just</p><p>preoccupied with something else.</p><p>To understand where your perfectionist self-story originated, try to recall some of the early</p><p>messages you received about who you are and what makes you worthy or unworthy.</p><p>What messages did your parents or caregivers give you? What did they say or do</p><p>repeatedly that formed the roots of your identity and self-esteem?</p><p>As we grow up, our brains develop, and we gain the thinking skills and life experience to</p><p>understand that sometimes adults are wrong. But children are at the mercy of adults when it comes</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 35</p><p>to building their self-worth. Young children also naturally have a strong desire to please their</p><p>parents or caregivers. It’s a survival instinct, given that young children are unlikely to survive</p><p>without a caregiver. It’s also why children continue to try to please their parents even when they are</p><p>abused or neglected or when their parents are constantly critical and demeaning. If you haven’t</p><p>already, try on the idea that your parents’ appraisal of you isn’t the be-all and end-all of who you</p><p>are. Now that you’re an adult, you can form your own self-assessment, which may be quite different</p><p>than the early messages you got from your parents.</p><p>How does it feel to consider that your parents were misguided or wrong in their appraisal</p><p>of you? Can you see that the labels they used to define you are not completely accurate?</p><p>Because our coping skills, personality traits, habits, and the way we see ourselves and the world</p><p>can usually be traced back to childhood, we’re going to take a look at four parenting styles that can</p><p>lead to perfectionism. As you read, consider the extent to which your parents’ parenting style fits</p><p>each description.</p><p>Demanding Parents</p><p>Some parents demand perfection from their children. Demanding parents value achieve-</p><p>ments—external markers of success such as awards, grades, money, titles, and prestige—and are</p><p>overly concerned with what other people think. They see their children as an extension of and</p><p>reflection of themselves. Therefore, demanding parents actually derive some of their own</p><p>36 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>self-esteem from their kids’ achievements. They feel embarrassed or inadequate if their children</p><p>are less than perfect.</p><p>Jeremy, the doctor that I told you about in chapter 1, had demanding parents. They were</p><p>ashamed when he didn’t get an A+ in a class, and they expected him to go to Stanford or Harvard</p><p>and become a doctor, even though that wasn’t what Jeremy wanted. They didn’t seem to care that</p><p>he dreamed of becoming a musician. In their eyes, music was not a real career; it was a hobby.</p><p>Demanding parents tend to tell their children (even adult children) what to do rather than</p><p>inquire about what the child wants, needs, or feels. This way of parenting is a dictatorship. The</p><p>children must live up to their parents’ expectations or there will be severe consequences.</p><p>Demanding parents rely on emotional control strategies to establish that success is a must and</p><p>that there is no room for failure, insolence, or disobedience. Emotional abuse (excessive yelling,</p><p>cursing, and name-calling—“stupid,” “good for nothing,” “failure”), manipulation, and passive-</p><p>aggressive strategies (the silent treatment, withholding affection, guilt trips) are often employed by</p><p>demanding parents.</p><p>They may also use physical discipline and punishment (such as beatings, locking children out</p><p>of the house, or forcing children to stand in the corner for lengthy periods of time) to force their</p><p>children to live up to their standards. Demanding parents behave in these ways out of frustration</p><p>and anger toward the child, but they also feel justified and believe that harsh consequences will</p><p>motivate their children to succeed.</p><p>The most profound consequence of demanding parenting, however, is the damage that is done</p><p>to the child’s self-esteem. Children with demanding parents become extremely hard on them-</p><p>selves. In my experience, they often experience anxiety and depression related to the pressure to</p><p>perform and achieve. They constantly feel like they aren’t living up to their parents’ (and their own)</p><p>expectations, leaving them with a sense of shame, failure, and inadequacy. They may have a hard</p><p>time identifying what they really want and need, because they’ve internalized their parents’ goals</p><p>and expectations. They have difficulty asserting themselves, so there is often resentment and anger</p><p>under the surface. Children with demanding parents also learn that love is conditional. They learn</p><p>that they are loveable only when they please others. Perfection becomes a way to gain acceptance,</p><p>love, and praise.</p><p>Did your parents display any of the traits of demanding parents?</p><p>� They valued achievements and external markers of success.</p><p>� They were concerned about what others thought.</p><p>� They felt embarrassed or inadequate if their children were less than perfect.</p><p>� They set unrealistically high expectations.</p><p>Uncovering the Roots of Your Perfectionism 37</p><p>� They told their children what to do with little concern for the child’s interests,</p><p>dreams, or abilities.</p><p>� They micromanaged their children’s social lives, academics, sports, or</p><p>extracurricular activities.</p><p>� They were intolerant of mistakes and saw them as failures.</p><p>� They were rigid, all-or-nothing thinkers.</p><p>� They used emotional abuse such as yelling, name-calling, the silent treatment,</p><p>withholding love, or guilt trips to shame and control.</p><p>� They were highly critical.</p><p>� They had strict rules and harsh consequences.</p><p>� They were physically abusive.</p><p>� They offered praise only for achievements.</p><p>� They provided minimal affection (loving words, hugs, kisses).</p><p>Perfectionist Parents</p><p>Perfectionism can also be learned by children growing up with goal-oriented, driven, perfec-</p><p>tionist parents who modeled or rewarded this way of thinking and acting. Perfectionism is encour-</p><p>aged when children are praised excessively for their achievements rather than their efforts or</p><p>progress. The focus is on what the children accomplish rather than the process or who they are as</p><p>people.</p><p>Marco’sStory</p><p>Marco, now a young adult struggling with his perfectionism, recalls his freshman</p><p>year of high school. He had set his sights on making the varsity football team. He</p><p>trained and practiced all summer, regardless of the heat or the fact that most of his</p><p>friends were hanging out at the pool. Marco’s parents had always encouraged him</p><p>to aim high; they were proud of his work ethic and dedication. They never had to</p><p>remind him to study or do his chores. Marco’s dad was a well-known, high-powered</p><p>divorce attorney. He was up at five o’clock in the morning, seven days a week,</p><p>headed to the gym and then to work, and often wasn’t home until after nine at</p><p>night. Marco’s dad liked to make sure everyone knew he was successful by insisting</p><p>on hand-tailored suits, a new car every year, and a beach house (which he was too</p><p>38 The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism</p><p>busy to enjoy). Sadly, Marco’s father died of a heart attack when he was only fifty</p><p>years old. Marco’s mom is a homemaker and volunteer extraordinaire. Her house</p><p>looks like a page out of a luxury magazine, and even when she was raising three</p><p>boys, it was always pristine. She also keeps herself impeccably dressed and</p><p>manicured. Marco can’t remember ever seeing his mom without her hair and</p><p>makeup done.</p><p>Marco was never satisfied with his grades, even though they were excellent, or</p><p>his performance on the football field. He thought if he could just make the varsity</p><p>team, then he’d be happy. So when he</p>
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